I Just Want You to Know

I want to know where I'm suppose to be. Because in all honest honesty, I don't think it's here. That's hard enough to admit to myself, much less everyone else. The implications are imposing to the question this obviously proposes: if not here, where? And when? And more importantly, how? Am I even sure? No, not really. But something is not sitting well, and it's past the point of "settling in." If these are the best years of my life, why am I spending them somewhere where I'm not enjoying myself, not making the best use of my time, not thriving? It's good, yes, no question there— but it's not the best. The difference, though perhaps so small that it could be called miniscule, is creating waves.

I assumed this was right almost from the beginning. To make matters worse, it was broadcasted (no backing out now!). It's easy to get swept up in it and to push your gut instincts under the rug. Plus, it looked good. Why wouldn't I want to go somewhere that would boost my intellectual, egotistical genius and make everyone else think I was a somebody? Yeah, I worked hard all through high school, yeah I made good grades and did well on the SAT, yeah I'm pretty smart. But what does that accomplish? What does that even matter, in the long run? God can't use me if I'm so caught up in my own abilities that I fail to see Him and be humble enough for use in His Kingdom. Maybe God is breaking my pride in a bigger way than I ever imagined. Maybe He has to temper it, and all of my "smarts" will never even be known or come into play in the big scheme of my life. What if I were in South America for a few years— what would it matter, then, how good my test scores were or how many college classes I had taken? What if God made me smart so that He could show me that I didn't need to be smart to be worth something? Does that even make sense? He will use the humble to shame the wise. He will use the humble to shame the wise.

I have a love for the hispanic culture. For the language, for the people, for their past and for their future. What if God were calling me to the mission field? What if? I have always wanted to do missions. I have always wanted to travel. This has never quite made it to the table; it was always, "Um, you're going to college, end of discussion." Okay, so, here I am— in college. But what if all along I was suppose to be training for something so much bigger than just college? You hear people's stories about how they felt called to do things that "normal" people considered crazy; why can't I be one of those people? There has to be something bigger than college out there, and I don't care what people think about me any more. I don't care about the expectations. I want to do the Lord's will. Father, where do You want me, where do You need me the most? Send me, send me.

And yes, there are those of you (my father probably included) who would say well, Kristina, you're already on a mission field at college, or finish your college career and then do whatever you want. Fine, fine, I see your point, I'm not ignorant. Everyone thinks that getting a successful, secure job is what matters the most. News flash— it's not. It's really not. There is something so much bigger, so much more Kingdom-focused than a nine-to-five job! PAUSE— I am definitely not saying that having a good job isn't what God wants for everyone. I'm just saying that I don't know if that's what He wants for me. I feel like there is something more, a call over the waters that I'm somehow missing here. I'm praying for discernment. Feel free to join me.