When Your Eyes Are Bigger Than Your Stomach...

I don't know if you've ever noticed, but we give into temptation all too easily. It's so crafty. Half of the time it looks so good, so beneficial, so necessary. It's like if we don't accept it right away, the moment will pass and we won't ever get the chance to do whatever it is again. And sometimes we look at temptation as though it were a part of life, or something that "everyone does" at our particular age. Like it's some sort of passage into adulthood, some secret right or ritual. 

My temptation is service. If someone's sentence begins with "Kristina can you...?" I already know what I'm going to say: Yes. Of course I can. I'm a big enough person. I can do everything. Design a rocket? Sure. Find a cure for insomnia? Uh, no problem. Give a twelve page report on the feeding habits of rare African mammals? I'll have it done by tomorrow. I feel the need to do something about everything, whether it's school clubs, working, helping out a friend or being more involved in my church. I'm the "yes" girl. It's like some sort of whacked out disease, that takes control of your brain and makes you think you're some sort of super hero. And, as horrible as it sounds, I love it. I thrive off of being incredibly busy. I practically plan out my emotional breakdowns and know exactly when I'm going to start stressing. I can rattle off all of my activities in perfect order to anyone who cares to ask, and probably throw in a couple things that just sound good. Why? I'm not actually sure. I think I have control issues. 

But temptation is so much bigger than that, and so much more broad. Temptation can be in a relationship. Temptation can be at the mall when you're looking at something you could never afford. Temptation could be cheating on a test, lying to your parents, taking what isn't yours, drinking, drugs, sex, anything. I hate how it gets into your system and just looks so desirable. And then, after you give in to it, you cry. Because ultimately, it lets you down and you know it. It promised to be good and it sucked. It told you it would satisfy you and it made you feel dirty. It almost, oh, almost looked Godly, until you took it's hand and it pulled you into the pit and you have no idea how to get out. 

I was talking to my manager, Joe, about some things and he said (and I paraphrase), "Don't you think when Jesus went into the desert he was hot? Don't you think his feet were blistered and his lips were cracked and his skin dry and irritated? He was human. And yet he resisted the temptation he faced despite all of these things. Sometimes we look at the Bible like it's just a bunch of "Bible stories." But we forget that He was a real person, that these "stories" are to show us what things are really like, that we can relate to them." 

And you know, I have never thought about Jesus having blisters. Or dry, cracked skin. How much did he want relief? How badly must he have wanted a drink of water? I wonder. 

I've been reading James this week. Isn't it funny how you'll be reading something in the Bible, not really thinking about how God's going to whack you upside the head with it, and suddenly BAM!! A day or so later God's like, uh hello? Didn't I just reveal this to you in my Word? 

James 1:13-15

"And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, 'God is tempting me.' God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death." 

1 Timothy 6:11-12

"But you, [insert your name], are a man [woman] of God; so run from all these evil things. Pursue righteousness and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses." 

Exhaust Fumes

It's not even a month into the school year. 

Kristina=stress=work=school=stop or else. 

Working four nights a week, two Bible studies, Mosaic club, senior project, who's my advisor, where do I find time to go to Wilmington to hang with my mentor?, tutoring freshman, trying to raise money for hurricane Ike victims, homework and studying, looking at working with raquel=spending time at the elementary school, birthday parties, makeup tests, chemistry project, struggling in chemistry and math already, college essay and apps, running too many little errands that take up time, picking up jeff from wrestling, filling my gas tank (fifty bucks!!), church all day sunday, quiet times?, crying in Mrs Pearce's classroom [embarrassing], crying at work [even more embarrassing], geez this is so frustrating...  

it's only thursday i'm falling asleep in class why do i do this to myself? Martha, martha, martha...

"I am the comfortable, secure, 

Definition of this western world

And I have it perfected, it seems, 

Even I believe I'm above saving. 

...

It takes me falling to the ground

To admit to finally needing you

...

How come it takes so much

To bring me to my knees

Why does it take so much

Pain for me to see

I know that strength is found when

I am on my knees

Why is it so hard to

Show that I am weak?"

Barlowgirl "Song for the Broken" 

"Sweet Revenge" BarlowGirl

Did you see that I was hurt?

Did you know that you had left me crying there?

Now I'm holding all your words close

Till you feel this pain too

You live on so unaware

While I thought somehow this hate would heal me

But this hate is never ending

And it's only killing me

Oh sweet revenge you've lied again

I find I 

Can't get free

Till I release this vengeance that I seek

Forgive you

The only thing

I wanna live

I'm ready to be free. 

Maybe you've been wounded too

Maybe all this is your self protection

All the hurts you thought were hidden

All the ones now hurting me

Who will make this pattern end?

(Chorus)

I wanna break this chain. 

I wanna see this through

Cuz setting you free

It means my freedom too... 

(Chorus) 

September

Oh, September, can you hear the wind?

It's pounding on the door,

And pulling at my skin,

Oh, September, can you smell the rain? 

It's dripping down the window,

And smudging up the panes. 

September, please oh please, 

Why do this to me? 

You fill me with this aching for the fall. 

September, are you listening?

I know that you're passing,

But your smell's intoxicating to us all. 

Your friends have died or have yet to be born. 

Every season holds it's sunny days and storms

It's this world of many color

That will let us all go under

Beneath it's crashing waves of golds and greens

While the sun is not yet warm. 

September, don't be jealous of this change. 

It's the course of things for time to rearrange. 

And in the blue, blue sky

Headed south, we'll fly

Until the light fades out from overhead

For the stars to playfully engage. 

Oh, September, won't you linger as you please?

Just deepen into autumn

Darken all your leaves. 

Oh, September, won't you break your easel down?

You're shaming all the artists

That try to paint you in the town. 

September, please oh please,

Don't do this to me,

I'm tired of this summer, of this fall. 

September, are you listening?

All this time is passing, 

Still your lazy sunshine dances on my walls. 

"In the Name of (Fill in the Blank)"

It's amazing what people will do in the name of love. 

For clarity, amazing is defined as "causing great surprise" by dictionary.com. So it is to say, I am surprised by people's actions when their reasoning is based on what they call love. Love. Are you kidding me? You don't know what Love is. 

It is of the utmost impossibility to have a pure relationship with someone who has no relationship with Love. For how does one love the absence of Love? In answer I would have to imagine that one, in such circumstances, is not loving Love, but loving Desire, is loving "World", is loving "humanism." Love never called you to become sucked into the world that can not and will not love in return. Love called you to compassion, love called you to care, love called you to Love in the true sense of the word, but Love did not call you to infatuate. 

My friend, how do you expect something to be removed when you have glued it to your hand? 

I do not understand why we put ourselves into situations we can't handle. I do it to myself all the time. It's amazing how we can dig ourselves into trenches  and then look to the sky, shrug, and say "well, God, this must be where you want me or I wouldn't be here!" No, no, no. We can never blame God for where our foolishness has taken us, whether it is a physical, relational, or spiritual place. Of course, that is not to say that God does not work all things for His own good purpose (Romans 8:28, Philippians 2:13); yet God never leads us intentionally where He knows we won't be able to resist temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13). 

Once we are made new in Christ, it is our duty to live a holy life as Christ. One of the hardest things is going to school knowing that you're different. Not to be spiritually egoistical, but those in Christ are held to a higher standard- when you begin at the top, everyone is watching for you to make that long fall to the bottom where they're all sitting. Temptation is constant. 

But oh, the hardest thing: to be different to your Christian friends. Because you're all in Christ, aren't you? Surely you're all on the same spiritual page; you read the same book, you go to church, you make sure you don't curse and you try not to gossip, because isn't that what links you? Isn't it your Christ-like lifestyle that connects you? Uh, no. Anyone can stick their hand in the water, but it takes a true believer to fully submerge and forget what it's like to live off of oxygen. It's beyond frustrating how Christians tend to  take their fellow believers faith for granted. It's like once you're saved, no one ever needs to spiritually challenge you again, because hey, you've got the golden ticket, and you can forget about the ride because you know your destination. How foolish! And unfortunately, ultimately dissatisfying. 

I've been thinking about the story in the book of Acts where there is a demon-possessed man, and two disciples try to cast him out. They come into the man's house and say, "We cast you out in the name of Jesus!.... of whom Paul speaks (Acts 19:13)." I'm thinking, what the crap?! Why do you add "of whom Paul speaks"? You cannot, CANNOT live off of another persons relationship. The story goes on to say that the demon basically laughs in their face and says "Jesus I know, and Paul also, but who are you?" and beats them up and leaves them for dead. 

Take away your church life. Take away your Christian friends. Take away your t-shirts with Bible verses, your tithe habits, your acts of service, everything. Where are you with God? In what "name" do you act? In the name of "love"? Sympathy? Self-confidence or insecurity? Pride, fear, desire, emotion, humanism, hurt, ignorance? 

You can't know where you're going if you can't read the map.... but that's a whole other sermon for another night ;) 

Peace.