Remember that Money Tree in the Backyard?

I hate money. With a burning passion.

My checking account= $31.94

I just over-drafted last week by $44.00 and so the bank kicked in $100 with a $5 charge.

My expenses:

1. Gas. I need it by tomorrow. But I can only put in $20 because I want at least $10 in my account.

2. Shorts for the cruise because somehow I don't own a single pair.

3. Spending money for the cruise (which is in a week and a half!).

4. Dinner money for prom (next week).

5. Shoes to match my dress (next week).

6. AP test money (at $86 apiece) and I'm taking two and the money was due two days ago.

7. AP Environmental project costs money to buy supplies and I REALLY need to start that before spring break because it's going to take three weeks to complete and it's due mid-May...

8. UNC says I need to take the SAT II Math test before summer break, and isn't that like $50?

9. God still says to tithe.

My income:

1. Today I got my state tax return... $7.... I'm really going to have to control myself, I mean that's so much...

2. I get paid next Wednesday and it will be no more than $100.

3. Er... wait, I have no more income.

FOWEIWHTGLS@%)*&%)(*$%_#!$*%&%&(DQOFP*#)(*&)T*HTR

God, why did You ever stop the fur trade? Or any trade at all, for that matter? I would be so willing to trade....

Stream of Consciousness

so that wasn't expected but its good i never thought but hey what do i know i'm glad that you're glad and it's a new day like the sun coming up in so many ways but to change topics so many other ways i see it setting and sunsets are pretty in a melancholy sort of way but they symbolize new beginning too and heres a new beginning for you and for me and for the rest of us and then there's college and friends and i'm watching it all revolve so quickly and its coming to an end and a beginning and for some reason beginning has just been on my mind as well as purity oh my goodness purity is overwhelming me because i don't know what i'm standing or if i'm standing at all maybe i'm not is that ok? i don't know but i'm learning and it's like a new chapter in my life every day that i'm working on figuring out finding out living out and i think that's alright because i'm taking baby steps and evolving from childhood to adulthood and i have to say the transition is scary and this is probably hard to read but i encourage you to try it because it feels so good and tonight was interesting because some things heal and some things don't and that's okay too and i'm learning to accept things as they come and not be so uptight man it's so nice not to have to type periods or be grammatically correct hey i cold even misspell words if i wanted to but anyways God i know that this is hard but i'm glad that you won't leave me and you speak so directly sometimes that i'm wondering if you think i'm stupid because i go right past the things you say all the time God will you open up my spiritual eyes and ears because you tell isaiah to tell the people to keep on looking but never seeing and to keep on hearing but never listening and then isaiah says lord how long? and i'm wondering lord, how long because i've been here since november and it's a rut and there are little ups and downs but there is a deep cave i feel like i'm wandering in ever since because there has been a light awakened in my life and i know i have been blessed and satan is after me like a bloodhound and i can feel it, father, i can feel it and it's terrifying and at the same time invigorating because i'm going to stand my ground for you and do whatever it takes to love you and defeat the enemy God clothe me and my peers with the amazing holy power of your armor, the armor of God. and then father all of a sudden i am swept up in romance that i never would have expected and father it came out of a fiasco that is still somewhat burning and i can smell it and the smell of burnt rubber is never good and God you know i can't stand to hurt peoples feelings but them sometimes and somehow i doand i go through this weird phase where i almost don't care because i'm screaming LET ME LIVE MY LIFE and then i remember that with you i have no rights because who am i a foolish human to have rights idk i'm following you and then we're back at purity and i've come full circle and mutuality is such a blessing God and i thank you every day father for mutuality and for future tenses and for random spanish phrases that i love throwing around como estos. haha yeah there you have it i don't even know what i'm talking about but this feels so wonderful and it's late and my heart is racing a trillion miles an hour but i love you. i love all of you and it's overflowing and i mess it up OMG I MESS IT UP but i'm going to come right back and do it all over again God teach me to love, teach me my lesson and let me grow.

Not quite sure what's been going on lately but I've felt the insane urge to write. It's strange; sometimes I have nothing for weeks on end, and then there's an explosion that lasts for a few days where everything slops onto the canvas and it's sticky and turns into a syrupy conglomeration around the mouth of the container.

No soy qué tú eres.

Father, so many different voices! So many sounds, so many calls, so much nagging and advice and cautions and disputes and it's all incessantly incessant. So many questions, so much jousting, so much juggling and pacifying and misunderstanding, miscommunication, misinterpretation, mistakes. So many minutes spent pulling at my hair and worrying and thinking and trying to mentally unwind. I feel raw, as if I've been standing on the edge of the sea and the wind is salty and its ripping at my skin until I'm red and sore to the touch, burned by the howling and bitterness of its roar. I'm back on the beach, the stupid beach where I started, and it's time to go back to the hill country (Monday, August 4, 2008) but oh, Father, I lost your letter with the directions and I'm so lost. In most regards, anyways.

But I know that there is hope. Oh, what a beautiful word! Esperanza. Para el futúro, para el presente, y para el pasado con todos de mis errores. I have hope in the Lord my God, for He alone is worthy. I am so thankful for the 6:15 prayer time and the accountability; even though it's only been two days it's like a breath of fresh air that I've been needing so badly. Father, I want to breathe You in so that Your aroma exudes from me and people wonder what I've been smoking.

Gravity.

You (vosotros) were. You were suppose to be like that. I don't even know how to explain it, or where I'm coming from, or what I'm trying to say. But you were. You were suppose to be like that.

And it's funny, you know? Because for all the good that it could have been, for all of the things that might have worked out, planned out, evened out, whatever, it wasn't. But it was suppose to. It's probably always suppose to. Aren't we the ones to mess up all of the suppose-to-be's, though? No one is so in control as ourselves of our own situations. Of course, the Father is suppose to direct our lives if we give that control, but walking away from that foundation we are in control and He says, "have it." Yeah, suppose to be, but now it's supposedly. So let's wallow in it, why don't we? Disgusting.

Then there are the things that I don't understand and that I cannot see. The things in my future are potential but flat at the same time. The scenery is stunning but my depth perception is finding cracks that don't exist because it's only two-dimensional. Maybe it's because I'm seeing backwards yet time is no longer linear but spherical. It's revolving and I'm afraid the same thing is happening as it was before with simply a new face. Read between the lines, even though there's only white space and meaning that I long to share but can't find the words or I'd write them in such a way as to soothe you because it wouldn't come off so bluntly that way.

"And if you're always so intently listening,

Then the smartest thing to say

Is to tell myself not to say a thing."

-- Relient K, "Bite My Tongue"

Details In The Fabric

Guess what?

I love you. I love you when you vent, when you're mean, when you don't like me. I love you when your words are hard to hear, when I want to cry, when you want to cry. I love you despite.

Father, break open my hands. Draw me to the River of Life where I am satisfied. Keep me innocent, Father, and child-like in nature. Guide my path and keep my eyes fixed on You, the One who Was, and Is, and Is To Come. You will be first. I will be Your bondservant, Your love-slave, Your child. I want to listen to Your voice alone, Abba, and hear Your whisper in the midst of a noisy world, a noisy life. Thank you, Daddy, that You bring Conviction, and not condemnation. Thank you for loving me... me, a sinner.

Have you ever tried to write notes with your eyes closed? Like, on lined paper, when you look at it, you can write perfectly within the solid lines. But as soon as you close your eyes, or glance away, your letters will probably start veering off to the top or bottom and get all messy, and then you have to erase it and start all over again.

Or how about this: have you ever taken your shirt fresh out of the dryer and buried your nose in it to try and smell the fabric softener? The shirt is so close to your face that you can smell it, but you can't see what's on it because it's so close. You can sense it, but you have to pull it away from you to get the "big picture." When you're holding it so close you can't see the detail that makes up such a big part of the whole image, the whole reason...

Perhaps this is better— you're investigating the foundation of a house because the owners have complained of it's lack of solidity. For years, no one has touched any of the wooden beams that hold it all together, and they look fairly sturdy. You poke at them a little, and suddenly there are termites swarming all over the place. No one ever saw them because they were never disturbed, but they had always been there, eating away a little at a time.

Father, make me aware of Your reality.

Ecclesiastes 3

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stone and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. he has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God. And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God's purpose is that people should fear him. What is happening how has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again."

Night Like Tonight

Oh, but it's nights like tonight

That light up the world,

A half slice of pie is

The moon shining bright

On this girl, who's amazed,

At the journey she's made,

Let's be brave, brave tonight.

The world won't slow down

Yeah it's speeding things up

And your melody is flowing o're

The rim of this cup

Watch it spill on the canvas,

Because the picture is clear

All the wonderful colors

Every season, each year,

Is tonight.

The air's getting warmer,

Blooming into spring

These words are shortcoming

For the tune that I'll bring

It's alright, this

Mutual feeling is tightening

While constricted

I'm singing tonight.

And my heart's playing over the keys,

This piano will burst at the seams

So it seems

Can't you see

By the glow of a white-chocolate moon

That it's soon,

Oh yes, it's so soon tonight.

Three, three in a row

You must know that

I'm laughing,

Grinning at the show,

On a night like tonight.

Love This Life.

I love this life. Not so much the life as in what most people would say (parties, living it up, whatever), but the life that God has blessed me with. It's good and He gave it to me to enjoy. Thank Jesus!

Father, I will enjoy this life. And I will take time to grow myself in you and not worry so much about other people. I will not be selfish, but I will not neglect my own life to try and satisfy someone else's. I will no longer be ashamed when I am happy, or feel guilty if someone isn't appreciative of my decisions if I know they were right. I do not need to fix people or fulfill them because I can't. What I can do is love You, and live in You, and be filled with Your joy despite this world and all the crap it throws at me. Because it's ok. I have You and You are all I need. 

And when I go to Chapel Hill, I'm not going to worry about "saving" people, or saying the right thing, or making the best argument. I'm going to love You. And heck, I'm going to enjoy the college life! It will be wonderful, and good, and beautiful. 

Thank You, Father!

The River [Meredith Andrews]

"Everyone is broken

And in need of a Savior,

So He came and was broken

For the mocker, for the shamed,

Still our eyes are blinded

By the culture, by the lies,

We can't see that we're filthy

We're fallen and so dry....

And He invites us

Can you hear Him say

He invites us

Hear Him call your name

Welcome to the river

Come drink, come wade

Come find your very life

Welcome to the river of God

Where your brokenness is washed

Welcome to this river

Come drink, come wade

Come find your very life. 

Welcome to the river

Where your brokenness is washed away..."

Isaiah 48:18

"If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea." 

Ezekiel 47: 5, 9, 12

"He measured off another thousand, but now it was a river that I could not cross, because the water had risen and was deep enough to swim in— a river that no one could cross... Swarms of living creatures will live wherever the river flows. There will be large numbers of fish, because this water flows there and makes the salt water fresh; so where the river flows everything will live... Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing." 

Revelation 22:1-2

"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations."