Gosh, it's been a long time since I last wrote out an actual post. I guess this is just what college does to you when things get busy. I hardly have time to sit down and think, much less type out everything that's been going on.

Thanksgiving was this past Thursday, and it was nice. It's good to be home relaxing, before the crushing stress of exams and finals before the long Christmas break. Tonight Luke and I are going out to dinner, then renting "Up" to watch. We saw it in theaters over the summer and it was so good. I think I cried a little if I remember right. So much has changed that it's crazy, but I'm no longer in such pain or hurting for lost time like I originally had been. Time may not heal all wounds, but it does keep pushing us toward the future too fast for us to keep holding on to what's already disappeared. The past few months have been a blur and yet there are moments that stand out in stark relief, be them good or bad. Perhaps I'm just tired of being emotional!

I'm killing time between now and the moment that Luke shows up on my doorstep. That means I still have plenty of time and, if my memory and conscious would allow it, plenty of space to write out everything that has happened so far— however, if I ever decided to make this public again, I'd have to go back and revise so much, because some things are just inappropriate for the public eye. As in, it stands against propriety to be so forthcoming with one's intimate thoughts and experiences, wouldn't you agree? I feel very Anne-ish.

I think I will go back to reading, instead. Oh my.

O.C. (5) This one hurts...

These words mean the breaking and collapse of my independence brought about by my own hands, and the surrendering of my life to the supremacy of the Lord Jesus. No one can do this for me, I must do it myself. God may bring me up to this point three hundred and sixty-five times a year, but He cannot push me through it. It means breaking the hard outer layer of my individual independence from God, and the liberating of myself and my nature into oneness with Him; not following my own ideas, but choosing absolute loyalty to Jesus. Once I am at that point, there is no possibility of misunderstanding. Very few of us know anything about loyalty to Christ or understand what He meant when He said, ". . . for My sake" ( Matthew 5:11 ). That is what makes a strong saint.

Has that breaking of my independence come? All the rest is religious fraud. The one point to decide is— will I give up? Will I surrender to Jesus Christ, placing no conditions whatsoever as to how the brokenness will come? I must be broken from my own understanding of myself. When I reach that point, immediately the reality of the supernatural identification with Jesus Christ takes place. And the witness of the Spirit of God is unmistakable— "I have been crucified with Christ . . . ."

The passion of Christianity comes from deliberately signing away my own rights and becoming a bondservant of Jesus Christ. Until I do that, I will not begin to be a saint.

One student a year who hears God’s call would be sufficient for God to have called the Bible Training College into existence. This college has no value as an organization, not even academically. Its sole value for existence is for God to help Himself to lives. Will we allow Him to help Himself to us, or are we more concerned with our own ideas of what we are going to be?

Options.

I. Can't. Take. This.

Maybe it's because I'm drinking a Starbucks doubleshot energy drink and my caffeine intake is skyrocketing. But this started before I even began drinking anything, when I was in the car with just my mother and we started talking about life. Again. In particular, my life. My future, and the three different ways in which it could possibly progress. Yikes.

I want to know what I'm doing. I want to have a plan! I want to be able to sit down with my mental calculator and figure in all of my options, divide all of the consequences, add in the assets and subtract the liabilities, and somehow evenly and logically equate what I should do with my life. Then, I'd like to work the problem backwards, so that I could see through hindsight the exact steps that I need to take and the choices I need to make to get there. If I knew what I needed to get done, I could plan! I could have steps! I could evenly and logically and meticulously get things done in a timely, rational manner. BUT. I. CAN'T. It drives me up the wall. "Where do you want me, where do you need me the most?" I have had that song in my head for well over a month, now. It's plaguing me. I'd even say it's haunting me. When I sleep, I hear it, when I wake up, I hear it, when I'm tired or frustrated or even happy and preoccupied I hear it. Where do YOU, Father, want me?

All of my so-called "wants" contradict each other. There are three things that I want, three ways that my life could go and none of them seem to align, and I'm so freaking selfish that I couldn't imagine losing any of them for the other.

Option 1.

I want to be on the mission field. And if not the mission field, I want to be doing something that involves telling people about Jesus and being His hands and feet. I want people to intimately know Him, I want to lead them to the cross– I can't make them believe and I can't force them to accept, but I can point them to Him and I can be His hands and feet. I can help them find jobs, I can help them build homes, I can make them food, I can teach them, I can do something. I want people to know Jesus. I want to be able to stand before my Father on the day of judgement and say, "Jesus! I followed You. I did as You commanded and worked to make disciples of all nations. I was kind to the poor and helped the needy. I loved You, I knew You, I was faithful." God is the Best thing there ever was, He is my all, He is my everything. Jesus commands us to lay down our lives for Him and I truly want nothing else but for Him to be glorified in my life. My measly life. My education, my family, my own desires... none of these things compare to Jesus. HE says, "If anyone loves his mother or brother more than Me, he is not worthy of Me..." Jesus, I want to be worthy of you. Please... where do You want me?

Option 2.

I want to pursue a career. And not just any career— I want to pursue an amazing career that takes me all over the world, that let's me get my hands dirty, that challenges me and allows me to support myself and maybe, one day, my family. I want a career that blows everyone away, including myself. I want a career that utilizes my talents and my creativity and my drive, that I can take and tell myself that this is what I was working for, that I can finally feel accomplished and successful. I want to be a journalist and travel and talk to people and get the inside scoop, and write for a magazine or journal or newspaper. Maybe I'd take my own pictures and be a photojournalist on the side. I want to be fluent in Spanish and travel to South America to talk to the people there and get in on their political system, get into their culture, live like them and work with them to better their country and their lives. I want to go to Israel and Palestine (which no longer exists) and learn about their struggles, their wars, and bring the news to America and educate people and make them care about things outside of the safety of this country. I want to be an editor and work with correcting things before they hit the press, because I'm good at it and it feels good to correct things and know that what I'm doing is exactly right. I want to get involved in politics and fight for what I know is truth and argue with the people who are taking our country to crap and help the common man find his voice. I want to shape the future of our country and I want to make things fair, I want to help people, I want to represent them and influence laws and help immigrants get an education...

Option 3.

I want to get married. I want to be with the love of my life and do the normal things that people do— fall in love, get married, have an apartment those first couple years and struggle through college, have kids eventually, etc. I want to go transfer to UNCG and forget about everything else and have the normal college experience and be with Luke. I want to take normal classes, major in English and be a small-time editor or teacher, and take things one step at a time. We'd get married and enjoy things that happen every day, comfortable and normal and simple. There would be absolutely nothing wrong with that— people do it all the time. It sounds pleasant. It sounds good. I want that, too... a lot. To be able to genuinely enjoy college, to be able to call Luke up and say, "Hey, do you wanna catch lunch really quick before class?", to be able to fit in somewhere and not feel like I'm trying to compete to make myself heard.

I want each of these so badly. And the thing is, depending on the situation, I can see each of them play out so perfectly and at the moment, I feel like each one of them is right. Like when I'm listening to Pastor talk about not being comfortable, I know I want the mission field. When I'm reading the newspaper and talking to the educated people that surround me at UNC, I know that I want to pursue a great degree and career. And when I'm with Luke and we're talking about the future and just enjoying life in general, I know that I want to transfer and be normal and get married. I can't compromise any of these things. None of them nicely and evenly fit together, and somehow, at some point, I have to decide what I want the most. Right? I don't even know that much. This is just what I'm facing at the moment and it's driving me up the wall, crazy. I ignore it on a daily basis because it's just too much to deal with, and if I look at the whole picture I get overwhelmed and frustrated. It does me no good to worry about it today, yet I feel like if I think about it now, if I can just make a decision sooner, I'll be okay, and it'll be like a burden off of my shoulders. In my mind, it's like having a big paper that isn't due for another couple months. I could put it off until it's absolutely necessary, or I could start preplanning it now. I could be working on my rough draft, or writing down ideas, or something. Then I'd feel better, know that I'm working towards a goal. So while I don't want to think about these three things every day, it's like it's necessary.

I really wish that God would flash a sign. I know He won't, and I know why He won't, but still... I wish He would. I wish that I didn't wish this, ha. Father, Father, Father... where do You want me? Where do You need me the most?