The shower of the year should shine tonight

Amidst the galaxy of others burning bright,

Sirius, and the glowing Venus, too,

A blazing Mars, all entwined in view,

The wick of candle light,

A shower on the ever-darkening night.

However, not a single one I see,

This meteor cried wolf completely,

At least, the time in which I stood

Revealed not one, as wish I would,

No sprinkle dust to be

Us waiting revelers agree.

From balcony a waiting crowd has stood

The sky tonight, produce it should,

Orion will flash its lustrous sheen

Remnants from Haley, so it seems,

But one o'clock reveals no good

Though it wish't, it never could.

A fair shot from the truth, I think,

Meteor showers falling as a drink

From Milky Way, this love

Of falling, from the imminence above,

Yes, pretty lights distinct,

Yet reason offers forty winks.

So back to bed I slowly carry on

Whilst others wait, hoping the dawn

Produces what so far hasn't shown

It's face, at least, from what I know,

But sleep will make dreams long

As the stars continue singing nature's song.

All The World Is Waiting

Tonight, there is a premier symphony in Memorial Hall. It's called "Of Angels and Neurons"— the guy who composed it came and talked to my Great Musical Works class yesterday. He's been nominated for Grammy's and whatnot. I think it's so cool how famous people will come and talk to our classes here... I've met and talked to a symphony composer! It's like a modern-day Beethoven experience!... Okay, maybe not that great, but you get the point. It's sort of cool.

Oddly, I enjoyed the rain today. It seems like it's always raining here, and usually it's sort of irritating, but today I like it. It was cold and the wind stung my face and my nose turned red, and the rain was fat and chilly. I should be in England, but this is close enough. Stranded on bricks that are so crooked that it's like walking in one long, continuous string of puddles, needing rain boots, tilting my umbrella back and spinning it nonchalantly, pretending I'm a younger, classier version of Mary Poppins. Yes, I am a nerd.

I am somewhat looking forward to the weekend. I'll be here, in Chapel Hill. Danielle goes home every weekend and that makes it harder because I'm here alone in the dorm room, but this weekend I am intentionally going to look for things to do. I'll go back to Grace Church on Sunday morning. Maybe I'll get in touch with some of the girls from my small group on Saturday or find a game to go to. There's an event called Late Night with Roy on Friday where the basketball players put on a little show, so I may go to that. It's not very late (6-9) but it's better than sitting on my computer. And then next week is fall break. Hallelujah. Hopefully I'll go to the fair, too. I have a few doctor's appointments, but they shouldn't take too long.

I can do this. For the Son.

Do You Remember?

Close your eyes.

We were pushing through a crowd of people. You couldn't see my face, and you didn't know where we were going. But you grabbed my hand to hold on, as I assured you that we were going home. Part one has already been completed. We said, "Let's go!" Now phase two is in the process and you've got to grab my hand and hold on as everyone and everything pushes in around us, forcing separation. The final scene is coming. Where the color comes into the picture. I might turn my back at one point, and you may feel like you can barely breathe, but the color, the life, is coming. At the end, we'll be so close that our smiles will touch. Do you remember?

Pause. Inhale. Exhale.

God is faithful.

Sometimes, I forget this. Sometimes I want to forget and do what I want to do instead. I want to shake my fist at the ceiling and say, Okay, God! Where are You now, hmm?

Oh, the rights I think I have. The truth is, I am a vessel. I can't always choose my voyage, but at least I know the destination. I do decide whether I work to keep up or let myself sink. But a sinking ship was never ordained to be used for His purposes; at least, not when the ship chooses to capsize itself. To walk on water, I must fix my eyes... and my joy.

If there's one thing I'm learning, it's that in His silence there is so much peace. It's hard to recognize and sometimes (a lot of the time) I mistake it for apathy. But the truth is, God is quiet for a reason, and it is when I praise Him despite this that I learn the biggest truths, whether they are about myself, my circumstances, or Him. When I am right with Him, that peace that transcends all understanding is contagious... and I am okay.

For example: it is no secret that I am struggling in college. BUT before you cringe and think I'm about to complain again, just wait. Yes, I am struggling here at Chapel Hill; no, it's not my favorite place to be every day. However, I also could be doing a lot better of a job being joyful in the pit, in the midst of my trial. God never said to stop praising Him when we were in the valley, and that is exactly what I did. I allowed (and still allow) my eyes to settle on the work, the lack of Christian companions, the distance between me and my family and me and Luke, the lies being thrown in my face, etc. etc. This, I am sorry to realize, is exactly what satan wanted. If he couldn't completely screw my faith over in one fell swoop, he was going to make me pity myself and feel as miserable as possible about my circumstances. I have had unending sleepless nights, weight loss, appetite loss, potential depression— why? Because I took my eyes off of Jesus, and put them on myself. My faith took a major detour when God wasn't quick to wave a wand over me and "make it better." What does that say about my knowledge of Him? What does that say of my faith, my hope, my supposedly renewed life? I am thankful for His silence because He knows what I need before I even ask, and I know He will provide. I was told that if I endured this confinement, this maze of uncertainty, and follow Him even when He seems invisible, that all would work for His glory and my joy. Maybe I can't laugh today— but then, I will laugh at His goodness, His mercies. My confidence is in the Lord.

Unfortunately, this doesn't mean I will suddenly wake up tomorrow morning shouting out how much I love Chapel Hill and eagerly bouncing up and down on my way to class, ready to make new friends, oh boy! Ha, naw, but it does mean that my attitude is on the up and up. My joy is in the Lord, not my location. My joy is in the Lord, not my family. My joy is in the Lord, not my accomplishments. My joy is in the Lord, not my boyfriend (though I try to make it that, sometimes, and it only hurts us both). My. Joy. Is. In. The. LORD. He is faithful. Whether I believe that or not does not change that fact that He is faithful. My belief, or lack thereof, does not shape my Father's character, hallelujah! He does not have a self-confidence issue; He does not need me to praise Him to make Him feel better about Himself. He is God. I need HIM— He does not need me.

So tomorrow begins a new day. My mom likes to hang it over my head that I told her a some random point in my weirdo-loser-teenybopper years, "If you can't change a situation, change the way you look at it." I don't know if I believe her— why would I have said such a thing? Regardless, I guess I'll take my own advice. Father, it's just You and me.

If I lost everything... it would be okay.

Blah blah blah.

Today I took my Astronomy midterm. I forgot my calculator, so I guessed on a lot of the questions. I honestly probably failed it. I don't care. I feel bad for not feeling bad.

I'm really having to fight through this fog. There are so many times where I just feel like giving up. It's obvious that I'm not making much progress, as almost everything I've written sounds exactly the same. At least I don't make it public any more.

I lied to my dad about where I was this past weekend. He thought I was at Elon, but I was in Greensboro. I told my mom, who told me that I have to tell my dad. I know I do. I didn't even lie because I didn't want him to know I was there— it was just more convenient at the time to have him think I was at Elon when all the bank stuff was happening that to explain in the midst of it how I ended up being somewhere else.

I wish I cared about something. I wish this apathy would go away and that the sun would somehow make it through to me. Because right now, I can't see anything. And it doesn't even bother me. I'm probably going to have awful grades this semester and it doesn't matter to me. I don't feel uptight or nervous about it. It doesn't shock me. I don't feel the need to improve or work harder. I don't feel anything.

There's got to be something more. There's got to be something more.

"Apathetic" --Relient K

I don't understand this. Again. I've had three posts like this, which is why I changed my URL so that no one else could see the depression creeping in like a cold fog. It's apathetic, which is the worst part. I'm not necessarily suffering for company and I keep decently busy. But I don't care. I don't care at all. If people want to meet up I agree without thinking about it or disagree because I'm lazy. I'm getting poor grades in class and it doesn't bother me a bit. I'm not doing the reading and I'm just getting by. I laugh and joke around without the joy; I look around and don't find an interest in anything. I've even become apathetic with my Jesus-relationship. I'm not reading my Bible consistently, I'm not praying, I'm not going to church or Bible study on a regular basis. I'm not doing anything, really. Not worth any amount of significance, anyways.

Honestly, this is scary. Underneath my apathy there's a terrible, terrible fear to watch myself slip away into gray area. I never expected myself to be the one to suffer from this. I've always been positive, always been upbeat, always been happy and content. But now, all of a sudden, I don't even know where the real me went. I'm watching her be overtaken by this uncaring, indifferent girl who might as well be anyone else. The difference is subtle but overwhelming. The real Kristina comes out from time to time, in certain situations, and the sun comes out and the clouds get pushed aside. But then, quickly, they come right back in and it starts to drizzle. There's no torrential downpour, really, but it's always misting and gray and dim. It's like having a veil over your brain, over your heart. I think that's another reason why I'm so hesitant to make new friends; I want them to know the old me, the happy me, not this new me who I don't recognize or even like, for that matter. I don't want people to know a depressed me. I want them to know who I was. Who I still hopefully am, somewhere.

If this is some sort of sahara I need to get through, I'm just hoping that I make it out alive. I'm dying of thirst; I want living water so badly but I'm too stupid to get it. I'm wandering in circles, hallucinating and then getting shocked by reality intermittently. This sound depressing. I really think I am suffering from depression of some form. I am sleeping badly. I am always sore and have a headache. I don't care about anything. I don't feel challenged with school; I don't tackle it like I did in high school. I feel like I always have a blank expression on my face; I don't smile much. I cry for no real reason other than I'm so tired of crying that I cry about it. It's either that or I force so much caffeine into my system that I go crazy just for the sake of feeling something. I laugh hysterically about nothing and make stupid jokes about nothing, but it's the adrenaline rush that I'm craving. That only happens late at night though, when the room smells like too much nail polish and acetone and the girls think I'm funny. I want to give up. I really want to give up.

And I don't want anyone to know. My parents inevitably see a change and don't like it. I try to hide it as best I can from people who don't know me, from Danielle (but sometimes she sees a little; that's unavoidable), from Luke, from anyone, really. I need to get over this. I'm thinking about seeking counseling here at school. We'll see.

Heartache.

We knew this was going to be difficult. But now the true test has kicked in, and how are we doing? Going long periods of time without seeing each other has made it seem dream-like and surreal. What does that mean? The end so soon?

I freed you, you know. Before we left for college, I freed you from every promise you had ever made me, so that if the time were to come where mutuality would fade, you would be good to go and I would hold nothing against you. And that still holds, that freedom. If you need to go your own way and do your own thing; if you think I'm holding you back or making things difficult; if you no longer feel the same, then baby, you're free. I will not be the cause of distress in your life.

But I won't lie to you, either. I am deeply and desperately in love with you. I think of you and it's like a million tiny knives to my heart, twisting enough to create such an intense pain that it's almost unbearable. I love you honestly and purely and with a longing and passion that I can't describe on paper. You are breaking my heart and you don't even know it. I want to see you and hold you; I want to be your wife. Does the distance have that much power? Does time stretch us so far that the goal is unattainable? I don't know. I will always, always love you. No matter where we are, who we're with, or what we're doing, there will always be a part of my heart that is broken because you are not mine any longer. You will always hold a piece of me, whether you like it or not, and I'm sorry for that, but for you it will be unnoticeable anyways.

Yes, for the present, you are still mine and I am still yours. Nothing about our relationship status has changed, but I am wary. I cannot see the future. I don't know what's going to happen. I trust God when He doesn't answer. I have nothing else so secure as Him.

I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Luke, don't you understand? My life does not balance on you and my world does not revolve around you, but I want you to be a part of it all. I want to share life with you, to have a mutual life as well as an individual one. And this stupid, stupid distance does not afford that. I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you to see me every weekend, to call me every night, to text me five times a day or whatever. If my actions followed my every wish you would be constantly hearing from me or seeing me, but that is not healthy and so I refrain. All I can do is wait. Love you, wait, and pray.

His Will will be done.

I Just Want You to Know

I want to know where I'm suppose to be. Because in all honest honesty, I don't think it's here. That's hard enough to admit to myself, much less everyone else. The implications are imposing to the question this obviously proposes: if not here, where? And when? And more importantly, how? Am I even sure? No, not really. But something is not sitting well, and it's past the point of "settling in." If these are the best years of my life, why am I spending them somewhere where I'm not enjoying myself, not making the best use of my time, not thriving? It's good, yes, no question there— but it's not the best. The difference, though perhaps so small that it could be called miniscule, is creating waves.

I assumed this was right almost from the beginning. To make matters worse, it was broadcasted (no backing out now!). It's easy to get swept up in it and to push your gut instincts under the rug. Plus, it looked good. Why wouldn't I want to go somewhere that would boost my intellectual, egotistical genius and make everyone else think I was a somebody? Yeah, I worked hard all through high school, yeah I made good grades and did well on the SAT, yeah I'm pretty smart. But what does that accomplish? What does that even matter, in the long run? God can't use me if I'm so caught up in my own abilities that I fail to see Him and be humble enough for use in His Kingdom. Maybe God is breaking my pride in a bigger way than I ever imagined. Maybe He has to temper it, and all of my "smarts" will never even be known or come into play in the big scheme of my life. What if I were in South America for a few years— what would it matter, then, how good my test scores were or how many college classes I had taken? What if God made me smart so that He could show me that I didn't need to be smart to be worth something? Does that even make sense? He will use the humble to shame the wise. He will use the humble to shame the wise.

I have a love for the hispanic culture. For the language, for the people, for their past and for their future. What if God were calling me to the mission field? What if? I have always wanted to do missions. I have always wanted to travel. This has never quite made it to the table; it was always, "Um, you're going to college, end of discussion." Okay, so, here I am— in college. But what if all along I was suppose to be training for something so much bigger than just college? You hear people's stories about how they felt called to do things that "normal" people considered crazy; why can't I be one of those people? There has to be something bigger than college out there, and I don't care what people think about me any more. I don't care about the expectations. I want to do the Lord's will. Father, where do You want me, where do You need me the most? Send me, send me.

And yes, there are those of you (my father probably included) who would say well, Kristina, you're already on a mission field at college, or finish your college career and then do whatever you want. Fine, fine, I see your point, I'm not ignorant. Everyone thinks that getting a successful, secure job is what matters the most. News flash— it's not. It's really not. There is something so much bigger, so much more Kingdom-focused than a nine-to-five job! PAUSE— I am definitely not saying that having a good job isn't what God wants for everyone. I'm just saying that I don't know if that's what He wants for me. I feel like there is something more, a call over the waters that I'm somehow missing here. I'm praying for discernment. Feel free to join me.