Like A Lion

You b r o k e me

He helped me see

You          left me

He pushed me free

You

          let

              me

                     fall

He brought me to my knees.

My loneliness may have a name

But my rescuer is a lion, untamed,

For He is fiercer than my pain

And you who've left won't take my faith.

1:14 AM

I love one of the songs that Thomas wrote. I don't know the title, but the lyrics are amazing. My favorite part is:

"And do you know Him

And how could you come this

Far just to be the same,

Just to be the same?" 

I think about my life whenever I hear this. I'm running, I'm running, I'm running. There's always some new destination, some new goal, a new friend to make, a new activity to do, something, anything that I think will get me farther or better.... but I end up being just the same. Because, you see, I'm taking the wrong steps. I'm picking my own direction and following my own plan. And I end up being the same, feeling unsatisfied, yearning for something just around the corner that I can't put a finger on, can't quite obtain. I am insatiable; I crave a New thing. I'm hungry, I'm starving, I'm a fool with nothing to satisfy because I'm looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places. So often lately I cry out "God! Strip me down! I want to be nothing." I hope in my heart of hearts that I will be rebuilt into a different person. A New, True person. 

Yet no matter how far I come, I can not make myself any different by my own power. It's a hard lesson to learn: that you can't fix yourself. I never believed it until this past year. It used to be so easy for me to believe that whatever I worked for, sweated blood and tears for, I could achieve. I mean, come on, it's beaten into you by all of your teachers and mentors from the minute you reach comprehension and forward. "If you set your mind to it, you can be anything you want to be!" Yeah... shut up. 

If Christ doesn't completely suffuse everything I am, if I don't let Christ overwhelm me and become all of me, what am I doing? I'm barely getting by. What am I if I am not Christ? I am a shell. An empty, empty shell, with unending hunger, never full, always searching, echoing, in a world full of shells who fill themselves with useless CRAP, who cover themselves in makeup and nice clothes, who look in the mirror and say "See, I'm a normal, happy person", when really they are naked and starved, so sick they are dying, but too human to know the difference. I don't want to wake up forty years from now thinking that my life has been wasted to the point where I couldn't care less whether the sun continues to rise or not. 

I'm at a crossroads. I can't go back and there's a wall ahead of me. You from my past: thank you for helping me get this far. It's really up to you how much further you want to go with me to the next phase. You from my future: Are you going to let me in? Or are you going to watch me from the other side of the wall, contemptible at my feeble attempts to scale it? Because I'm going forward. 

Goodbye, Special K. Goodbye, Kristina. This is You in me, God. Give me a new name. A new song. It's time to be reborn. 

And Thomas's lyrics lull me to sleep. 

It's A Small World After All

"I step out onto the busy street

See a girl and our eyes meet

She does her best to smile at me

And hide what's underneath. 

There's a man just to her right

Black suit and a bright red tie

Too ashamed to tell his wife

He's out of work, he's buying time.

All those people, going somewhere,

Why have I never cared? 

Give me your eyes for just one second

Give me your eyes so I can see

Everything that I keep missing 

Give me your love for humanity.

Give me your arms for the brokenhearted

The ones that are just beyond my reach

Give me your heart for the ones forgotten

Give me your eyes so I can see."

      --"Give me your eyes" Brandon Heath

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It's hard to write whatever it is you're feeling when you're blog is public to EVERYTHING you want to write about. A blog is suppose to bring freedom to the writer, in a sense, but all it really does is give the reader the ability to become offended and assume and really, all in all, restricts the writer from writing about whatever he or she wants because she has to think about all the potential viewers. 

There are days when my flesh wants to eat me alive, if that makes sense. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what I'm "suppose to be". What college am I suppose to go to? What am I suppose to major in? What kind of scholarships do I match the criteria for? What friends should I have? Where do I draw the line? God: this is so hard. And it's summer! It's not suppose to be hard! Right? 

Actually, I really don't care about readers right now. I am just going to talk to myself. Childish me. 

This is what has been going through my mind: 

1) College, majors, potential future careers, scholarship opportunities. 

2) God. I need to put Him first but I am going to be honest and show you and the world that the first thing that came to my head was college and not God. There's problem numero uno. 

3) My relationships with others, and potential relationships. I am a "pour-er out-er". And I want to be able to give myself equally to everyone and I can only do that with so many people before I stretch too thin. I want to be nice and friendly to everyone, of course. But I am realizing that I can only have a small group that I can really give myself to. ¿Comprendé? 

4) I love my family. My daddy just had surgery today. Pray for him. 

5) I am concerned for my friend and her friend. I'm not sure which one I'm concerned for more. 

6) Raquel: thank you again for coffee and forgiveness and a listening ear. 

7) I've been really, really getting into Bible history and such lately. Theology? It's so cool. 

8) Ashton I love you girl. Your new friendship is beyond words. 

Lalalalalalalalala. 

Luke 2:19

"... but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often." (NLT)

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." (NIV)

"Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself." (Message)

Some things you just can't let go of. They can be thoughts or ideas, or, as in Mary's case, miracles. Perhaps, sometimes, they can be teachings. Laws. Sermons. Some things can't be taken for granted. You have to examine them. Why did Mary wonder at the angel's message, the shepherds stories, the kings and their gifts? Why didn't she just immediately accept them? I mean, it was an angel! It was kings! It was shepherds who had traveled very, very far just to see her baby boy! 

What you listen to, talk about, see, do, hear, watch, whatever, is going to do one of two things: it's either going to pull you away from God or draw you to Him. There is no in between, no alternative, and no luke-warm. There is hot or cold. 

Luke 11:23 "Anyone who isn't with me opposes me, and anyone who isn't working with me is actually working against me." (NLT)

There is a great need to determine what is truth and what is lie. What is prophesy and what is heresy. What is good and what is evil, what is moral and what is immoral, what to run to and what to run from. Arm yourself! Strive to learn! Because the more you know of the Lord, the less likely you are to fall to false teachings or unhealthy circumstances. Of course I say this as much to myself as to anyone else. Mary knew. Mary understood the importance of asking God what the truth was, the importance of following God instead of getting caught up in the whirl-wind of shepherds tales and kings gifts. Man. Especially today, how much to we need to realize the truth! 

Dark Knight and a Darker Night

I'm not sure if you've heard of the movie "The Dark Knight", but I went and saw it tonight with some friends. It's a sequel of a previous Batman movie (which I didn't see) and the basic plot line is this: Batman must play the role of the good outcast, perpetually the savior, trusting people's good nature, to defeat the evils of insanity and indifference, or the Joker. 

About a thousand Christian parallels are swarming like bees through my mind right now; however, I am not going to take the time to point them all out. Yet there is something I would like to mention. 

The scariest sort of person is the person who has nothing to lose. No fear of death or consequence, no care towards someone or emotional baggage, nothing monetary or spiritual in which to make them human. How can a hero defeat an apathetic enemy, who thrives off of chaos and makes no rules, lives by no plan, and leaves everything to chance? Or perhaps a better question would be, is this person even "human" anymore? 

Indeed, what is it that personifies us? What is it that grounds us, makes us vulnerable, propels us to believe in good and love and justice? What part of the conscious or psych connects us to our instincts? Is it a switch that can be broken under the cruelest of circumstances, and in that case forever dooming us to a life between something human and something almost demonic? 

For a Christian, a Disciple, Christ is the switch. Christ becomes our center, our clarity, Christ overshadows us in that we are no longer alone. Christ is our magnetic jacket that pulls forth our hopes and aspirations, that creates our sense of law and regulation; He is our ground on which we can say "I know how to be. I know what it is to feel love and compassion; I know what it is to live and be human." Christ becomes our argument when we are pulled at by the Joker. "People are all the same," he hisses, "Desperate, greedy, selfish." 

"This may be," you reply, "But it is no longer I, but Christ in me, which makes me whole." 

I will forever believe that people are born desiring to be good. That somewhere, as God tugs at there hearts, so does His sense of righteousness. And sometimes, it comes through. And sometimes, it is overpowered by the passions of sin. Yes, we are born sinners with sinful desires at times. But at the climax, at the root of everything, if pressed to the very wire I have to believe and cannot imagine otherwise that a person will not have something inside of them saying "do the right thing." 

A person himself cannot be satan. Only satan can be satan. But a person can be so reborn in Christ as to become part of the holiness, to become Christ-like. It is our calling for human nature to become Christ-nature. Maybe that is the instinct of goodness. I don't know. I'm not even sure what I'm talking about or if it makes the slightest sense. But of one thing I am certain, and that is that all will be righted through Christ, and human nature will continue to believe that justice will prevail. 

Consolidated Cogitation, Rhetorical Rumination.

"Not right tonight, not right tonight!" she cries. 

The air felt thick and heavy. It skulked around the doorway of her room and seeped into the corners, filtering into the pores of her pillows and dangling like mottled compost from the ceiling. It made the temperature plummet, and she shivered under clammy blankets while her thoughts collected and dispersed randomly, the atmosphere making it difficult to to be organized or succinct. 

Why was it not right tonight. 

I am wary of you. I watch you and I listen. You, the destroyer, I hate you. You mock us and shred us to pieces, you poison our minds and mutilate our intents until we are monsters. You despicable filth, you make me sick. I hope you choke on your own misfortune and are forever tortured in the pit of your own waste, you scum of creation. I pray you drown in a sea of agony, with each fiber of your being screaming until your mouth opens up to shriek the most horrible of death songs and fills with the most loathsome detritus beyond imagination. You have no power, you impotent idiot, you foul carrion, king of lies and all that is evil, you have no power. 

Who is there to bring you to justice, oh son of sordid obscenity? 

Look! There arises from the mountain tops a Judge!

"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth!" Psalms 121:1-2

Here he comes in glory! Make way, make way for the King! The Holy Lamb, the Blameless One, the Pure, the Perfect, the Benevolent Father! He rides on the wings of the wind, the light as his garment and the sea as his mighty staff. Behold his radiant countenance, his righteous form, his incredible strength and powerful hands! Watch with wonder the miraculous deeds he performs, the mercy he shows those who adore him, the blessings he freely gives out of love! Praise Him, all ye nations! Shout with joy at the sight of your Lord! He who is deserving of all honor and devotion is coming, and coming with a vengeance against evil. Woe to those who follow the great traitor! For He who is coming comes with a imposing sword of Truth, behold, the Word!, and will seek to right the wrongs done by the father of arrogance. 

I will follow my Father. Behold, my Father is one of compassion and romance, slow to anger and abounding in love. He cradled me and is now instructing me, teaching me to do His will and pulling me close in his embrace that I may know Him more fully. Do not attempt to pull me astray, for my Father will bring me justice and you will cry out against the day you thought of causing me to sin. I warn you, detestable enemy, stay far from me! For the Light in me will burn you to ashes, and my Great Love will grind you to dust to save me. 

Send me, Lord, send me! Twist me and mold me, shape me! I will go! Let the nations tremble, God, let salvation reach them quickly! Bring swiftness to me feet and boldness to my heart, gentleness to my spirit and conviction in my words! Prepare the hearts of the nation, oh Lord, that they may receive the Message! Send me!

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

Name the Rain

Drip, drip, drip. 

I've been writing a lot of poetry and songs lately. So maybe this time I'll actually write an entry.... or not. 

Look at the sky! Bruised, angry, bitter. It crawls over the horizon like a monster clinging to the side of a skyscraper, thrusting one ugly and bulky fist into the air to clench the ledge above, pulling it inexorably up and up towards the top of the building, towards the spire. Only this is sideways, across the expanse of what should be blue softly melting into purple twilight. Can you hear the monster growl in it's ascent? Can you see the fire it creates in the sky? It's getting angry. 

Drip, drip, drip. 

Job 41:13-21

"Who can strip off its hide, and who can penetrate its double layer of armor? Who could pry open its jaws? For its teeth are terrible! Its scales are like rows of shields tightly sealed together. They are so close together that no air can get between them. Each scale sticks tight to the next. They interlock and cannot be penetrated. When it sneezes, it flashes light! Its eyes are like the red of dawn. Lightning leaps from its mouth; flames of fire flash out. Smoke streams from its nostrils like steam from a pot heated over burning rushes. Its breath would kindle coals, for flames shoot from its mouth."

Oh, the thunder and lightning! It reminds me of dragons. 

"Lock and Key" and smelling of rocks.

"Needing was so easy: it came naturally, like breathing. Being needed by someone else, though, that was the hard part. But as with giving help and accepting it, we had to do both to be made complete— like links overlapping to form a chain, or a lock finding the right key." --page 401

Hello, hello.

Let me pretend I've known you forever. 

The ending doesn't matter any more,

It's the beginning that made us

Who we were, and who we are. 

Hello, hello?

Tomorrow gains its clear appearance

Can you see it is a mirror to today,

I can see the future backwards

Hindsight is so clear to me,

Yeah, you're all out of focus

You don't even notice. 

Uh oh, my mouth just opened,

These thoughts have just become spoken

Way too fast, they come out

Way too fast, but it's truth without a single doubt.

Uh oh, I've gone and cracked myself

Open wide, though I'm nervous

It's too late, now you're inside 

Of me

I thought I was locked, 

But now you've got my key. 

Hello, hello.

I wish I could paint you this picture

Show you life as through my eyes

If you could only understand

That I understand

Then maybe you wouldn't act so surprised.

Hello, hello?

I've emptied out my cluttered past and

I can't seem to get quite past that

Maybe this will take more time that I thought

Everything I have to offer, I've already brought.

Uh oh, my mouth just opened

These thoughts have just become spoken

Way too fast, they come out

Way too fast, but it's truth without a single doubt

Uh oh, I've gone and cracked myself 

Open wide, though I'm nervous

It's too late, I have to swallow my pride,

You see?

I thought I was locked

But now you've got my key.

So many closed doors and closed minds

If I could leave it all behind

In an instant, in only a flash,

Could I throw away the key

To the door of my past?