Ode To Facebook

I didn't go to sleep at all last night, 

That's why today I have bags under my eyes,

But you know it's all right, it's all right. 

Because I 

Was discovering myself by the light

Of the computer screen that shone so bright,

I was taking that quiz

"Which Beatles Song Describes Your Life?"

It's on Facebook 

With all of my twenty million friends

Your daily connections never have to end

Even though you don't know half of them

And wouldn't care if you never saw them again,

Hey hey, let's be Facebook friends. 

We all know getting together is so last year,

If you see my face you might see my fear

But you know it's all right, it's all right. 

So you 

Check your inbox for the fortieth time

When it's empty (again!) you sigh

You update your status

To some mysterious quip or music line. 

We're on Facebook

With all of my fifty zillion friends

You're daily connections never have to end

Even though you don't know three-fourths of them

And don't care if you never saw them again

Hey hey, let's be Facebook friends. 

Oh,

I think I'll check out everyone's photos,

Where does the time go?

I can't believe I've been on here for

Three hours straight, it's getting so late. 

Oh,

I barely know who you are,

I've seen your profile eight times so far

Your "About Me" sections says

That your seventeen, 

Prom queen,

And I shouldn't assume by your car

That you are a snob. 

So get on Facebook!

With all your hundred trillion friends,

Search for the perfect bumper sticker

Man, the fun never ends!

It doesn't matter that your Friend Wheel 

Can't display everyone, 

Or that your Super Wall is covered with

All sorts of forward junk,

And even though you don't remember

Who you've accepted or denied,

Or just don't care about them 'cause

You couldn't remember if you tried,

HEY HEY, let's be Facebook friends. 

Vine (Grape, Tomato, and Relationship)

Tonight convinced me. 

Most of you know by now that when I observe my relationships with people I see a vine connecting us. The thicker and shorter the vine, the closer I am to you; likewise, visa versa. And it has occurred to me that, after numerous observations, shortcomings, and experiences, this is the root of almost any and every given heart disease. 

Let's go back to the beginning; that is, the very beginning. All the way back to Eve. When she, and in turn Adam, ate the apple (or pomegranate, whatever), God separated them from Himself. It was the ultimate severance of the first and strongest vine in history. The result was heartbreaking, and Adam and Eve found themselves with a limp, gnarled knot of what used to be a fruitful, life-giving thread between them and the Creator. And I believe that as a result of this, because God and the first humans He lovingly made suffered this first tragedy before any other suffering, it is the seat of all present discomfort and anguish. Our relationships are the things that will affect us most in life, and those is discord will cause the greatest pain (and I use that term flexibly). 

Did God not feel such pain because He loved Adam, because He loved Eve? Did Jesus not submit to crucifixion because of the relationship He desired with us, because He loved us? And we in turn have the same burden and desire. The same flame resides in us, longing to have deep and intimate bonds with those surrounding us. Is it not the truth, then, to say that the hardest thing to do is put out a fire, and try to rekindle the saturated wood? 

On the other hand, why do we allow ourselves to go through such anguish at our own expense for the sake of another? Why is it that we continue to stumble, reaching out helplessly to clasp one another's hands, striving for understanding and compassion when we know we will be let down repeatedly? Why do we put ourselves through it? God, you made us creatures of love. There must be nothing else like it, judging by what we subject ourselves to. 

If there was ever anything I could ask for, give me understanding. Let this love you have created throttle through my veins like liquid fire, illuminating the dark in me, emanating out into the lives of others even if it returns to be no more than a spark and I am left gasping for oxygen. Water these vines of mine and multiply them; nourish them so that they may become like tree trunks; let them bear the fruits of the Spirit. 

What does our vine look like? Tell me. What can I do to nurture it? 

d3L3r!uM

You were kept close to my chest. 

I thought it was best to finally free this unrest

That I didn't even realize was

Keeping me so depressed, the situation

This relation

Made me doubt, my every hesitation

Swelled upon me like the ocean

Creating unbearable commotion

I couldn't see

But couldn't leave,

I had made you a part of me

Until you unwittingly chained me

And caused all of this debris. 

Oh! But it's so hard to say farewell,

And tell this boat to set sail

Into the rising of the waves, oncoming gales 

I watch you shrinking on the shore

Your face a blur and nothing more

But I think, could have sworn

That your body line was ridged

Your demeanor so frigid

And I long to run back to you

But you've already diminished. 

Now the silence falls like fine, thin dust

I'm so afraid that the past will start to rust

And my bubbled future will bust

But I must

Keep my head above the water

Though temptation's getting strong

To turn, to turn

But I spurn, this desire

You have to lead me through this fire

Though I'm toeing the wire, 

You've got my soul lifting higher.

Outfit me for this struggle

So I may no longer stumble

I can hear the thunder rumble

And I'm nervous, start to fumble

I'll never be comfortable, no,

Not until this worlds final show

When the stage is set

I've got my bet

On who gets the fatal blow,

You got my faith, 

As far as that goes. 

Now, we shall begin. 

"I Do It For Love"

When God says "come back to ME", the best thing to do is to drop everything and go back to HIM. Because whatever you sacrifice will be returned tenfold. "'Test me in this', says the Lord, 'and see if I do not throw open the floodgates of Heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough to contain it.'"

I don't even understand what I'm doing. So it's unlikely anyone else will either. All I know is that God is calling me. Maybe back to where I was, or to somewhere I've never been. But I can't let things stop me. I can't let my parents, my brother, my friends, my selfish desires and dreams, material possessions, Facebook, or anything else block me off from God. This is me jumping off of the cliff. Hitting air resistance. Grabbing frantically for my parachute cord to realize that I'm merely free-falling. This is me trusting. I can't see where this leads and it's scary. It keeps me awake. It creates new obstacles. But I know that I have to do this because my life and my heart have not been right lately. I've been hurting my family, hurting my friends, and hurting myself. And all of this hurts God. 

Maybe you think I'm fake. Maybe I am. Maybe you think I'm afraid. Maybe I am. Maybe you think I'm mean, rude, childish, irresponsible, or untrustworthy. Maybe I am. 

Maybe you think I'm not working to change; maybe you're wrong. 

A very few of you ask me not to shut you out. I told you it was hard. You told me you loved me, told me fourteen things that were beautiful about me when only seven were required. For this I will forever be grateful because you wouldn't let go. Leigh and Kenna, Rodney-- I see God in you. I love you guys. Thank you from the bottomless well of my heart. 

"The way we look tonight, I know

Nobody else could get in the way this time,

Just can't stop the light, I know

Nobody's gonna get in the way of my shine."

--Shine, Krystal Meyers

Ever gone back and read through old diaries? Well, if any guys read this, you probably can't relate. But you girls know what I'm talking about. The stuff that seemed so important when you were 12 is laughable now; your next door neighbor has moved and doesn't remember half of the embarrassing moments you shared; the time your dog ran out the front door to get chased around the block by a snow plow; the time you told on your guy friend for telling you he loved you and the teacher scolded him; the time you moved across the country; the time you and your best friend memorized "Anne of Green Gables"; the time you snuck out into the park in the wee hours of the morning to look at the stars; Lake Johanna; 5th grade; Jefferson Elementary; the library that was less than a mile walking distance from your house with the cushy, colorful seats; the ice rink your dad built in your backyard; the Beanie Baby houses you made out of grass shavings beneath your favorite tree; the rocks you painted in the shed and sold to your neighbor for 5 cents.... 

I loved my childhood. I really did. I miss the thick grass we had; I remember the day my dad came home with rolls and rolls of sod to lay down. My favorite tree resembled a willow, with droopy, tiny leaves like hair. The deck we had that I would lay on and watch fireworks from the Anoka Park miles away, the moon rise in the evening, the sun beat on in the summer. Our hand prints are in the concrete of that deck. The shed that my dad built and varnished; the ice rink he made; the swing set he constructed that my childhood friend, Ashley, and I would swing on upside down so that we looked like trolls. I miss the first snow of each winter when my mom would wake us up from dreamland and we'd bundle up and go to play in its freshness. I miss my beagle, Jesse. I miss the playground at my elementary school and the nature trail they built behind it that we were privileged to walk through on rare occasions. So much is coming back to me tonight. The past is rising like the moon. It makes me a little sad. 

It makes things now seem so trivial. So, so trivial. Let me be a child again. Let me go back to the house I grew up in. Lord, accept my childlike heart. Revert me back to childlike faith. 

People will not stand in my way. 

On a side note: google "tesseract" and click on the wikipedia link. then think of time. 

Five minutes ago will pass in five minutes from now...

I've often wondered about prayer. Not how to pray or what it consists of or what it means, but it's power. Something that really blows my mind is the thought of praying for the past. Because God always answers prayer in some form, and God's time is not our time. Nothing is impossible for God, and He already knows what we're going to pray... so does the influence what happens before we pray for it? It's like changing your past by your future. How strange to think about! Like sometimes I'll pray about things and find out later that the situation I was praying for had already occurred by the time my prayer started. So I wonder if the prayer I said whole-heartedly, without the knowledge that what I was praying for had already passed, had an effect of what happened earlier. Does that make sense? Like would things have gone differently if I hadn't ended up praying that specific prayer? I don't know, but I wonder.

I love this song.

"Question" (verb): to inquire, doubt

My mom has always teased me about my knack for getting into trouble. You see, I have a problem with asking too much. Wanting to know everything and why. 

Once, we were at the hair salon and I asked the stylist how old she was. Besides my mother being mortified, the lady gave me a lecture on how it was rude to ask a woman their age. Another time, we were at the doctors office, because my mom had a nasal infection. As the doctor preformed his examination, I asked him if he liked looking up people's noses for a living. That wasn't too good either. A year ago my dad went in for an cat-scan to make sure his MS wasn't getting worse. As I waited for him, I asked a lady how she was doing because she looked a little downcast. I got her life story for an hour and a half (no joke-- her father was dying and her brother was a truck driver with three kids and he hadn't gotten married yet, and she wasn't sure what he was going to do with his life. They lived in Iowa). 

Of course, when I was younger, it wasn't always apparent to me that there were proper and improper questions to ask. I looked at everything with the innocent curiosity that overcomes every child and opened my mouth whenever it seemed necessary. That curiosity never left, but it has become increasingly clear that I am no longer able to ask the questions that I feel need to be answered. When I do ask, they are pushed aside, ignored, or answered so vaguely that I might as well have never at asked at all. Or worse, I am given the reasons why I shouldn't be asking. 

Is it too much to want the truth? To need it? To thrive off of it? No one seems to have any answers. Yes, I know, God has all the answers I will ever need. But God doesn't seem to be flashing any neon signs in my face or even sending coded messages in bottles. Has anyone ever thought that maybe God would give me answers by speaking through other people? But if these people refuse to listen to or answer my questions, then I'm no better off than I was at the beginning. 

My parents say I am too gullible. I don't think this is true. I never take anything at face value. When someone tells me something, I always question it and act like what they're saying is a lie to test their truth. It makes it seems like I believe the opposite of what they're saying, but that's not it. It is only that I never want to be the one to stumble because I took someone's words for granted. I want something solid to stand on; save you're jell-o for kindergarten. 

I have big questions about God. About living out my faith. Questions about church and people I love and "how to deal" or react or speak. I have questions about honesty. I have questions about why no one wants to listen to my questions. Am I annoying? Am I stupid? Are the answers in front of my face? If so, please, don't hesitate to call me out on my ignorance, I beg of  you! 

When I don't know what I'm dealing with I become afraid. If I have truth in answers, I can conquer almost anything. All of the puzzle pieces will fit together so neatly if I can gather them up. An incomplete puzzle drives me crazy. 

Why did you really leave?

What does the authority really think? Why call?

When does He/It overtake you? 

How can I be so sure?

What defines it? 

Who are you and why can't I reach you?

What gives you this power/do you really have it?

Revival?

Why don't I have answers.

Why doesn't someone be REAL.