"Apathetic" --Relient K

I don't understand this. Again. I've had three posts like this, which is why I changed my URL so that no one else could see the depression creeping in like a cold fog. It's apathetic, which is the worst part. I'm not necessarily suffering for company and I keep decently busy. But I don't care. I don't care at all. If people want to meet up I agree without thinking about it or disagree because I'm lazy. I'm getting poor grades in class and it doesn't bother me a bit. I'm not doing the reading and I'm just getting by. I laugh and joke around without the joy; I look around and don't find an interest in anything. I've even become apathetic with my Jesus-relationship. I'm not reading my Bible consistently, I'm not praying, I'm not going to church or Bible study on a regular basis. I'm not doing anything, really. Not worth any amount of significance, anyways.

Honestly, this is scary. Underneath my apathy there's a terrible, terrible fear to watch myself slip away into gray area. I never expected myself to be the one to suffer from this. I've always been positive, always been upbeat, always been happy and content. But now, all of a sudden, I don't even know where the real me went. I'm watching her be overtaken by this uncaring, indifferent girl who might as well be anyone else. The difference is subtle but overwhelming. The real Kristina comes out from time to time, in certain situations, and the sun comes out and the clouds get pushed aside. But then, quickly, they come right back in and it starts to drizzle. There's no torrential downpour, really, but it's always misting and gray and dim. It's like having a veil over your brain, over your heart. I think that's another reason why I'm so hesitant to make new friends; I want them to know the old me, the happy me, not this new me who I don't recognize or even like, for that matter. I don't want people to know a depressed me. I want them to know who I was. Who I still hopefully am, somewhere.

If this is some sort of sahara I need to get through, I'm just hoping that I make it out alive. I'm dying of thirst; I want living water so badly but I'm too stupid to get it. I'm wandering in circles, hallucinating and then getting shocked by reality intermittently. This sound depressing. I really think I am suffering from depression of some form. I am sleeping badly. I am always sore and have a headache. I don't care about anything. I don't feel challenged with school; I don't tackle it like I did in high school. I feel like I always have a blank expression on my face; I don't smile much. I cry for no real reason other than I'm so tired of crying that I cry about it. It's either that or I force so much caffeine into my system that I go crazy just for the sake of feeling something. I laugh hysterically about nothing and make stupid jokes about nothing, but it's the adrenaline rush that I'm craving. That only happens late at night though, when the room smells like too much nail polish and acetone and the girls think I'm funny. I want to give up. I really want to give up.

And I don't want anyone to know. My parents inevitably see a change and don't like it. I try to hide it as best I can from people who don't know me, from Danielle (but sometimes she sees a little; that's unavoidable), from Luke, from anyone, really. I need to get over this. I'm thinking about seeking counseling here at school. We'll see.