Little Toy Boats

"It really does feel like a maze. I don't know where I'm going."

'You don't know where you're going? Well, what are you leaving?'

"What?"

'If you're going somewhere, you have to be leaving something behind.'

True story.

Today I walked down to the lake from my house. The air wasn't necessarily chilly, but the wind felt nice across my skin. I pulled on a white sweater over my green tee and crossed my arms, closing my eyes to fully soak up the smell of grass and moisture. The sky was grey and made things look colder than they were. It was funny to walk down Cameron, simply because I hadn't done it in so long. The path to the lake isn't until the end of the road, where it becomes a cul-de-sac. I passed the Codd house, where a bunch of Pete's friends were playing basketball in his driveway. I still got the same anxious feeling when I passed them as I did when I was in middle school, when they used to shout at us for using "their" property to get to the water. Today they didn't pay me any mind; I was of no consequence to their game. I jumped the ditch and pushed past the undergrowth, with long weeds encircling me and waving gently overhead, creating a tunnel of flora and fauna crowned with seasonal marigold flowers. Though my walk had been quiet, the field was alive with the buzzing and croaking of all sorts of amphibians and other small creatures, none of which I saw. The trail branched off to the left, but I followed it straight to the little bank where one could push off a boat, if they wanted. My brother usually goes fishing there with his friends, so there was a blue tarp off to the side and the ground was littered with old Diet Coke and Gatorade bottles underneath it. I paused for a moment under a small tree, already yellow and brown, where my lips had met love in the early months of the year. I continued to the water's edge. It rippled in, barely moving, and was a pearlescent sheen of reflection. Long-dead trees stood stark against the apathetic clouds, and the opposite shore was still green and thick with trees and the occasional dock. Someone was playing music a long ways away. I couldn't help but stand and remember, and think, and let emotion wash sluggishly over me like the water on the pebbles beneath my feet. I stood there a long, long time. The wind tugged at my hair, loose around my shoulders, and it smelt of intangible things that I could no longer touch. I picked up a few rocks and skipped them, hard, until I ran out and couldn't find any more smooth edged ones. Then I turned back, pausing this time by a bump in the way, where I had sat and listened to a very different kind of music, on a very different sort of day, when the sunlight has cascaded through the foliage and danced over the waves and a different sort of scent was filling my senses, warm and inviting, spicy and alive. I was tempted to sit on it again, but decided against it for the sake of time. Real life was still waiting outside of that place and was calling me back, back to the present, back to where I didn't want to be. But I went, not because I wanted to, but because I knew it was right. And that's the kicker— what you want isn't always what's right, and what you don't want usually is. I hoped one day the two would merge; this, I decided, takes hard work and probably a miracle from God. God, with whom I'm grappling. God, who is silent. God, who I am waiting on. God, who is real and who loves me beyond my own comprehension. Yeah. God.

What's it going to take to turn this ship around?

It's been a long while since it started going down,

But a new breeze shakes the sail,

Though the wind brings rain, and sleet, and hail,

And if the fire could intensify

This wood's not proofed, but by-and-by,

Goodbye, this time we're going to try...

What's it going to take to turn this ship around?

Another week of college.

More and more I watch the prophesy come into play. Not that I'm looking for it or thinking about it every day— it just sort of manifests itself and I realize it as it happens.

Dear Father,

I think this has been a long time coming. Between me and You. I am going to follow You even when You don't answer me. Even when it feels like You're not there, even when I'm blind to what You're doing, even when it seems like You're not doing anything at all. I will obey and follow Your divine will when everything is going wrong and when I can't feel Your presence. The test of true faith. The enemy knows my weaknesses and he plays off of them; he is smart, but Lord, You are faithful. I will rest knowing that I have no knowledge, and whether You want to share the answers with me or not is up to Your disclosure, because You are God and I am not. I will be content with You. I will be content with Your Word, which is unchanging and unfailing.

Father, I pray that You would set the world on fire. Set me on fire. It doesn't have to wreak havoc, Lord, so long as it is undying and unwavering. May my life be a pleasing aroma to you, Abba; cleanse me before You, that I may raise clean hands with a pure heart. Open my eyes, God, show me what I must improve, what I must change, what I must kill and what I must grow. I trust You. Lord, give me the faith of a martyred woman. God, if I had to die for you... give me that sort of faith, that is unselfish and strong and true.

Fresh Pair of Eyes

I love this song. The lyrics don't even start until 1:30. Perfect.

An Irritating, Repeat Blog.

I have been at UNC for a month now. Isn't that crazy? It's getting easier and harder simultaneously, depending on how you look at it. Classes are fully underway, I'm making friends, doing homework, rushing and sleeping and lazing and reading like crazy... so much to do and yet sometimes I feel like I'm sitting around— am I living my life? I've been doing so much thinking lately about where I'm going and what I'm doing, who I'm doing it with and does any of it matter at all. This is NOT a pessimistic blog, so don't get that impression. It's thoughtful.

I think the biggest thing that's been rubbing me raw is God. Go figure, ha. Leaving high school and the security of my church was a bigger spiritual drop than I thought it would be. Of course, that is my own ignorance and pride coming to light yet again (you'd think I'd learn!). My last blog that I deleted was a lot like this one, and that worries me. I don't want to be chasing myself in circles but I can feel in my heart that I'm not moving forward. I'm stuck in a rut, but I can't quite define it. Or maybe I can, but I'm choosing to turn a blind eye towards it, because getting out requires so much more work than falling in. I'm going to a Bible study, but that cannot be my fill-up, because quite honestly, the past couple times just haven't cut it. Maybe I'm not involved enough— I'm not sure. Hebrew Bible still poses problems, of course, but now I realize that it's so much more than just defying the Bible's validity... It's defying my faith. It's causing me to look at the Word through the eyes of a nonchalant, indifferent student, who cannot feel it's breathe or find its power. I see it and I compare it to a poorly pieced-together textbook. It's the most awful thing I can describe, and I hate it. I hate that I've allowed myself to so quickly come to this point. The Bible has been my lifeline in so many countless situations in my past, and now I've let go of it so quickly, have I? No, no, no, it can't be. I'm now looking at my beliefs over the past few years of my life and finding that the roots have been, if not shallow, certainly not as deep as they need to be. All of the questions in the world will not bring me to Jesus. All of the ANSWERS in the world won't bring me to Jesus. I've had the knowledge, I've had the passion to learn, but have I had the capacity and the faith to love and trust Him? Two completely, completely different concepts; a war between the soul and the mind. I WANT to know Him intimately. The Bible will defend itself— the question is, will I accept it?

There are so many, many expectations that I see and I don't know if I can compete. The majority of them come out unconsciously, unintentionally, but I recognize them. The politics. The mission field. The clubs and organizations. Being in leadership positions. Getting the grade, but more importantly, getting the degree. Danielle is going into pharmacy and her to-do list makes me feel inadequate. So I double-major, find a minor, and hope that my life will amount to something useful. Then maybe I'll go live in some foreign country where everyone is dirt poor and teach English and Jesus to the children. And then I'll settle down and get married, have a couple kids, and call my life successful. I'll find a home church and volunteer in some ministries. I'll write for a political journal and travel and put my children in daycare, and be smart and economically-minded. I'll go to bed with this "blessed" life around me and wonder what I'm doing, just like I am right now.

Oh, scorn and sarcasm. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dear reader, whomever you may be, if you exist at all. It was the most gorgeous day today... that's meaningful, right? Sigh... identity crisis, much?

Hope.

I have a hope in the shape of a little ring. I always wore it on the fourth finger on my left hand. Today I gave it away for safe keeping. For an assurance. It was small and silver, but it's meaning was bigger than life. It feels really strange not to have it on, to look at my hand and not see it gleaming there. But it was only a transfer for the time being.

[FYI: Dad? I know you read this, but still. Don't freak yet.]

Distance doesn't compare to the meaning. There is nothing too big to overcome and there is an abundance of faith. We've crossed our t's and dotted our i's, we crossed our lines and dotted our promises; there is no turning back. Moving forward means either epic success or epic failure with no middle ground. We shot the middle man and squelched time from now to then, and if then never arrives then we are lost in negative space. We are standing on the precipice, you and I, and if we time it right we'll start flying. It's sink or swim, and we're swimming against the current, soaring against gravity, striving against reason. It is a tough road to hoe, especially when the cheer from the stands turns into eye-rolling disbelief. But the biggest hill to climb will be the one of waiting and staying in line. It's the restraint involved, the self-control, the willpower that will be the ultimate test; if we love each other like we say we do, there will be respect, and commitment, and purity. If we love the Lord like we say we do, individually more so, even, than together, then there will be such things and temptation will fall short in the light of His Glory. Failure is undesirable but we must constantly be on guard; there is no "it won't happen to us." Trust? Hmm... trust.

So much was unexpected in you. Every new thing is an adventure and I love it. How would I ever have guessed? I wouldn't have. I would never have guess, or dreamed, or imagined. It just... happened. Things realigned. A first and simultaneously a last, for me. A sunrise and an eventual sunset, but we haven't even reached midday. It's the last wee, beautiful hours of the morning, with the light dawning over a landscape so serene that we can't quite make it all out yet.

The future is big. We will do things on our own; we will go our own ways; we will make our own friends and have our own adventures and accomplish our own dreams. It's wonderful! But there's a part that we will always, reassuringly, have together. Together. Six months behind us and so many, many more to go. As we always say, let's do it right.

Two Trees Converge in a College Park

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both,

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth." *

Two trees converged in a college park,

And sorry I could not see their fate,

And be one oak tree, long I stood,

And tried to grow sturdy, as much I could,

Until I was merged to another weight.

Our limbs were long and gnarled be,

Twined with garland and persimmon leaves,

And reaching up to touch the sky,

The cleanest, purest expanse on high,

We determined to flourish righteously.

"And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back."

As time took time, irrelevantly,

The days changed from summer into fall,

And more I merged the the louder I sang,

We had our promises and picked our names,

When autumn arrived, they were strong and tall.

But as the light turned bright to gray,

We shed our colors and bared our flesh,

And together in the dimming glow

The other we both came to know,

Proximity closed— thus failed the test?

"I should be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence;

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

I took the one less traveled by

And that has made all the difference."

I should be thinking this with a sigh,

Some days and hours later, yet,

With branches now exposed and bared,

Roots intertwined, all has been shared,

The closer we come, the closer we'll get.

And limb on limb, with all leaves fair,

Brushing together in the cooling air,

It must be done at an early age,

When we're still naive enough to say

This is right, and it's okay—

Will that make all the difference?

*Robert Frost reference, "The Road Not Taken"

The Pot Who Called the Kettle Black

I've never tried my eggs sunny side up. I have no idea if I'd like them or not, but I do like the idea of "sunny side up" anything. It's like being on the up and up, with a silver lining, where we're golden. All from an egg.

God has been good. I met some wonderful Christian friends while trying out for an a capella group, and through them a campus ministry. It's called InterVarsity. Dell— prayer works wonders. Thank you.

Danielle and Delsie and I actually went to the gym today. It was a pretty good workout, and we're going to make a habit out of it. I think Danielle and I figured Tuesdays and Thursdays work well with out schedules. Since it's free, there's no better excuse to get in shape!

... It's funny. I feel good. Not stuck in routine, not complacent. Today for my comic book class the teacher decided that the weather was so nice that we should have class outside. I loved it. Our campus is absolutely gorgeous and there was a breeze, and we were let out early to boot. It was a pretty productive day.

I had to write a paper for my Hebrew Bible class. I had to basically contradict everything I truly believe and sound like an atheist, and honestly, it was quite interesting. It wasn't hard to write at all, like I thought it was going to be. I just wrote what made logical, current sense. Which, of course, according to faith, makes no sense at all.

This is choppy. Probably because it's late and I want to go to bed. I have an 8:00 class in the morning (woo). But this weekend is going to be great. Fantastic, even. Because time will be of no consequence, and we'll crash. Amen.