Circles

Work tonight got me thinking. 

A manager and another employee got into a discussion about politics and what party they stood behind and such. The manager, a republican, was questioning the employee, a democrat, about the issue of abortion. (I started this by asking the manager how he voted, and managed to escape direct conversation while still enabling myself to listen in.) The manager, being rather conservative, believes that abortion is wrong period, end of discussion. The employee believes it to be wrong only when people go out and are stupid/unprotected and have abortions left and right out of their idiocy. However, the employee believes it to be alright when the mother will die if the baby is born, or the baby is going to die anyway, or other circumstances alter an otherwise normal pregnancy/birth. 

The matters of life and death have been on my mind recently because of the death of my friends mother. Here is how I see it, and perhaps I see it this way because a friend challenged my perspective over the summer, but nonetheless: 

A person lives to fulfill God's divine will. We, being human, do not usually know what God's will for our life is; we probably will not know when we accomplish it, and therefore we do not know when our time on earth is done. Now, if a woman (or girl, I suppose) becomes pregnant, her child has a purpose and a so-called destiny. The mother does not know what the destiny is, nor the child, but there is something that God has designed especially for this baby to do in its lifetime; God has created this being to have an impact on the world that He has ordained to no one else. What right has the mother to take that away? 

Now, you say, what if the mother died because the baby was born? Well, I will go back to my original statement. A person lives to fulfill God's divine will, which we do not understand. Perhaps that mother was born to give birth to her child, so that the child may accomplish wonderful things and impact many lives, more than the mother could do if she had lived and had an abortion. Or perhaps things would have been worse down the road if she had stayed. Either way, if she passes while the baby lives, she has fulfilled whatever God had planned for her. 

Some would argue the case of rape or incest. To that I ask a question: Why would you punish the innocent baby for a crime that it did not commit? For rape: it is the rapist who should be punished for what he or she did, not the unborn child. Same thing for incest. Give it up for adoption if the mother doesn't want it; there are plenty of couples out there longing for children. A grave longs for no one. 

That is my take on abortion. 

This Christmas

My brother woke me up at 5:30 this morning. I was very tired and cranky; I had not slept well and dreamed odd dreams. I had dreamed that I had a little baby boy, and I loved him very much. I remember rocking him and kissing his face and seeing him smile. It was an odd dream. 

I went downstairs as my brother rushed to jump on his new motorized thing that looks like the product of a scooter and a bike. I stumbled past my "Santa present" to crash on the couch. My parents came out all smiling and sleepy, taking pictures and opening presents of their own. We had opened most of our gifts the night before, on Christmas Eve, after I got home from work. My grandpa Jim was still fast asleep in our guest room upstairs. After everything was opened and the new Wii was discovered on our coffee table, I stumbled back to my bed and drifted back to slumber until 8:30. 

When I woke up, I got dressed and such and went back downstairs to eat breakfast. I opened my telescope and began to assemble it. While doing so, Lauren called. Isaac's mother had died that morning at 4 A.M. from cancer, leaving behind four children and a husband. I send up a prayer for them on this Christmas. 

Mistakes

I am so sick of making mistakes. 

Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes! That's all I do all the time is constantly mess up. At school, at home, and most definitely at work. It is so frustrating. Tonight, for example. Ten minutes before I left I spilt a whole box of Buffalo Sauce all over the floor. I take orders wrong, and am forever getting in people's way because I'm not sure what to do, so when I actually get around to doing something it's someone else's job or I'm obscuring some other job from getting done. I want to scream. Why can't I do something right for once? Why can't my body and brain coordinate smoothly? Why am I such an idiot? 

Of course, messing up leads to another thing: I am constantly saying "oh, sorry," which irritates me to death because I know it irritates others as well. I'm sick of saying sorry. I feel like such a doormat. If I mess up I wish I had the confidence to just keep going without a second thought after I've corrected myself. No saying sorry. No feeling stupid. Forget sorry. It's a fake word anyways when it becomes trite and overused. 

I want to be right for once. I want perfection. I want to be Christ-like. What is wrong with me? 

Flawed

I don't know about you, but I have found that my greatest assets are also my greatest flaws. Like, the things that make me strong are also the things that make me weak. For example, my compassion can make me a doormat. I love relationships, but sometimes I desire more than I can have. I want to go the extra mile, but I don't always know how far is too far. 

I heard somebody say once that you love a person not because of their good qualities, but because of their flaws. I

sorta understand what they're talking about, but really it doesn't make much sense. If you love them because their good

qualities are their downfalls (like mine) then I get it, but obviously you're not going to love someone because they are a

compulsive liar or a cheat.

The thing is, we are all born flawed. That's why we need Jesus. He makes our flaws into beauty marks :) haha. 

Anyways, today was good. Busy and good. I got to hang out with a friend I don't know very well, which was nice. I hope 

that I can continue to hang out with her in the future. At first I thought she was a little reserved, but I think that a 

good relationship with her will take time, and then there will be more openness. This I have learned from experience. 

I went outside and watched the end of the meteor shower. There was one perfect falling star; it streaked right over my 

house and lasted a good five seconds. Usually they're so short that you only have time to see them dance for a second

before the black swallows them up again. "When I look at the stars I feel like myself." --Switchfoot

Tomorrow is the Epic part and our Christmas party at Joe's house! I'm excited :). It should be interesting now that our

friendships have turned to relationships and we are all wary of each other...

Stars

So how about tomorrow night is suppose to be the best meteor shower of the year and it's suppose to be cloudy. It's been clear the past few nights, there's no moon, it's not even going to be cold... and it's going to be cloudy! 

Stars are such amazing things. They're like wonder and beauty and mystery all wrapped up to make a tiny prick of white in the dark. I wonder what the star over Bethlehem looked like the night Jesus was coming into the world. Now that would be a sight to see! It was a sign, a guide, leading the shepherd to the birth of the Messiah... wouldn't it be nice to go out and find direction from the bright stars over your house?

Sometimes I imagine that all those stars are angels in their brilliant white robes, watching us from the heavens. What would they see? A world filled with suffering, yet compassion; a world with despair mingled with hope; a world smothered in Darkness, yet dotted with Light. Maybe out world is their sky.... they see a Dark sky (sin and unbelief in so many people) with little bright Lights shining through it (rebirth and love in believers). Like parallel worlds...

We will see what the weather is like tomorrow. 

The Traveler

There once was a young woman 

Who wanted to travel,

To travel and to understand:

The world and its treasure,

Its worth and the measure 

Of what she could hold in her hand. 

The journey was fraught with danger,

And illness of mind and soul. 

For people were greedy

Never satisfied, needy, 

Taking more than they could hold. 

Some people had wealth but no money,

Those with money 

Refused to have shame.

From greatest to small

Hunger captured them all,

Hunger for power, fortune, and fame. 

The was a loss in communication

No one talked

No one dared to express

That they longed for compassion

Love and anger, distractions

From the earth that created this mess. 

The young woman was greatly troubled

And distraught at a world

So diseased. 

She wanted to run

To undo the undone 

From which suffered all the displeased. 

So she knelt as a small, grassy hillside,

With her face tilted up 

Towards the sky.

"For the people," she prayed,

"Let there soon come a day

When for truth and forgiveness we'll cry."

Ecclesiates has never been so true...

"For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless."

I am so tired. This week has been the weirdest, scariest, and most tiresome week in a long time. I don't remember having a time like this since the beginning of last February. I hate to write only to complain, though. But it's like this week never ends. I worked last night from five to close after school, got home at 11:45, got to bed around 12:30, and got back up this morning at 5:45 to wash my uniform, because I have to be back to work by 8. Then I work until 2:30, and spend the rest of the day trying to get all of my homework done and start on my junior paper, which is due on the 10th and I haven't even thought about it. Tomorrow is church all day, and maybe Starbucks in between if I'm lucky. Then it's Monday and I do it all over again. 

I am sure, for whoever reads this, that you have felt this way a few times (perhaps many times) over the past couple months. And you may say, "well Kristina, what did you expect? Cest la vie- It is life." Life. How joyous it sounds now that I know that these endless weeks just keep going. 

Yet despite all this, I am anxious for tomorrow. I am hopeful; I rely on God for strength, peace, and more than that, joy and contentment. There is always hope, for I believe that God has us here for more than to run ourselves ragged, more than to be sad, more than to despair. 

"Whatever I've gotta be

I'll be for you,

Whatever you need from me

To see you through,

Every one of us has stumbled

Everybody's humbled,

We hit the ground and our lives crumble.

Whatever I've gotta be

I'll be for you,

I'm for you."

-- tobyMac "I'm For You"