"Speak, Lord..."

Mk, so I'm peace-ing out for three weeks. No facebook or blogger or email, and I will not be texting starting tomorrow. So please, don't text me for the next three weeks because I won't respond. Call if it's really important, por favor. 

Later. 

Take Two

I'm very partial to new semesters. It's fun to start different classes with different people, and plus, in my opinion, second semester is always better than first, if not any easier. This semester I have Honors Spanish 4 (yay! hopefully I'll be fluent by graduation), AP Literature and Composition, AP Environmental Science, and Honors Psychology through JCC. I'm really excited. Lit/Comp and Psych are going to be my favorites, I can already tell. Spanish looks terrifying— there's no english or vocabulary in the entire book! They all seem pretty challenging, but to be honest.... I love a challenge. And I'm giving you a sneaky wink right now, dear reader, so imagine it in your head. I absolutely love school, no matter how difficult it is or how dorky that sounds. And when it's killing me, and I'm crying at my desk at 1:30 in the morning because I'll never get it all done, wishing that I had early release and was a TA every other class, I'm secretly glad. BUT if you ever quote this back to me when I'm really stressing, I'll call you a dirty liar. 

And I don't even have to worry about lunch! Most unfortunately, I no longer enjoy it with Raquel while we daydream about college :( but I do have it with the "breakfast club"! Which makes it much better. Actually Rachel, what lunch do you have? I have 5th. 

Now off to homework and reading! 

Obedience is a 9 letter word.

Want to know something really strange about me? I have all of my major epiphanies in the shower. No joke— any time I've ever had any sort of revelation, I've been in the shower, washing my hair. Even some of my most intimate prayers have been while showering; strange, I know. Maybe God is trying to tell me something... cleanliness really is close to Godliness! Ha, just kidding. (I promise, this has a point, just stick with me for a second.)

So tonight, after I ate dinner, I decided to take a shower, hoping for a revelation and feeling a mix of foolishness and hopefulness. I don't know if I really had a revelation per say, but I did get some things straightened out. It's really been a long time coming— have you ever heard something over and over, and wonder why this is being repeated to you until God finally takes the "scales" off of your eyes and you say oh! well maybe that really was something I needed to hear. And it's so funny how everything falls in place at just the right moment, and then you can really see that it wasn't meant to be revealed even a minute sooner. 

This repetition in my life has been the whole "spiritual introspection" concept. For the past few weeks, the sermons at church have all touched on 2 Corinthians 13:5, which talks about examining yourself. Not other people (which is what tonight's half sermon was about!). So anyway, this popped into my mind as I was rinsing shampoo out of my hair. I need some serious examination. I mean, I've been really blind— Adell, isn't this what you've been preaching to me? On a side note, I remember when I was in 5th grade I got a bad grade on some quiz, and my dad said "Kristina! Wake up and smell the coffee!" It's always stuck with me, and now is the time to wake up and take a good long whiff of the garbage that's piled up in my life. 

Now, all of you girls know that as soon as you shampoo, you condition, which is no easy process when you have long, thick hair. It takes some serious time to run your fingers through those tangles. So this gave me time to think about the things I need to work out with God, and here's what I came up with. Keep in mind, the following is probably the weirdest analogy you will ever come across in your life, but it just made such sense! One of my most serious problems with the Lord is obedience. At first I fought the thought, because most of the time I see myself as a pretty obedient person, to the point that people walk all over me. But then I had my epiphany, so here goes my analogy: 

The weather has been horrible lately, and you've developed a pretty sick-nasty (picked that expression up from the guys) chest cold. And this thing is bad; you're not only feeling stuffed up, but it feels like a huge brick is settled on your chest, and your ears are plugged, and since your sinus cavities are full your face is puffy. So you decide to go to the pharmacy and pick up some Mucinex like any smart person and try to get all of the congestion out. Have any of you ever taken Mucinex before? Because when you take it, it loosens up all of your congestion, but you still have to cough it up before it really starts working. Anyway, you get the medicine and come home and the directions say to take some every four to six hours and whatnot. You take it and wait. Nothing happens. You can feel the mucus loosening up in your chest and throat, but you say to yourself, "I really don't want to hack this stuff up— that's nasty. I mean, this medicine was suppose to get rid of all of it for me. It must not work." You decide to throw the bottle of medicine away and suffer through the rest of your cold. 

Of course, we think, hopefully no one would be so stupid as to go out and buy Mucinex (or any medicine for that matter) only to give up so quickly and throw it away. Obviously, if they did, they probably didn't read the directions very well. To connect it all together, that's how my obedience trouble is with God. I am trying to live my life for God, and as a result, He's got to "clean out my system", because I'm sick. In order to do this, I have to be obedient to Him and buy the medicine He's prescribed, so to speak. But taking the medicine is only the first part. I have to continue to "hack up" everything and get it out, until it's all gone, even though it's nasty and I really don't want to do it. God gave me the solution, but accepting that solution is only step one. Following through (which requires work on our part!) is the make-it-break-it. I'm sorry, by the way, if that just totally grossed you out. 

The thing is, I'm going to keep having to look for these things. I KNOW that this is only the first of a long list of "black spots" on my heart that God is going to have to point out, and together we'll clean them up, with His power and my obedience. 

Good thing I don't have to take another shower until tomorrow. 

Statue

Choose me to choose you, 

But dear, I never wanted to lose you.

That will never be believed,

It doesn't matter—

I don't say it to deceive. 

If you choose to have deaf ears,

Discreet discretion isn't fear

(Who is lurking in the corner

Of the former)

Why say what won't be heard?

It's the two of you that I can't make

See daylight. 

Living in your own eternal

Twilight. 

And I'll gladly find it on my own,

He can only get to me when I'm alone. 

It's not the words I didn't say, 

But what you said to me 

That made me lose my voice. 

"Pick up your cross" is my better choice. 

Because love makes hard decisions

Yet I'll face open derision 

When you're close enough to know His voice

I don't have to question what I've done

We're breaking dawn

Here comes the sun. 

I don't need confrontation to make you wonder. 

It's pride that's going to force us to go under. 

Carpe Diem

So today I spent the day with my mom and brother, which was nice. We went shopping and stuff. I got Raquel's birthday present, and I hope she likes it. Actually I just hope I finish it in time, haha. I worked on that for a while until dad got home and we ate dinner together, just me and him, because my mom had to go to work and my brother was playing guitar hero or something in his room. Then, I went to Dressbarn to visit my mom, and to try on dresses for fun. And you know, it really was fun. I ended up buying three, because they were all on sale plus my mom gets a discount, so I spent sixty bucks on three really nice dresses. I'll make good use of them during spring break (Ashton girl, you've got some shopping to do!). But there was no one else in the store while I was there except my mom and her manager, Jill, who was really nice and admired all of my escapades and told me what she liked and what she didn't like. I danced around the dressing room to Michael Bublé like a lunatic, pretending I was in a ballroom with some handsome future husband. I'm weird, what can I say? Then I came home and danced in them some more. I love to dance too, no matter how much I suck— who's going to see me? I danced to Brooke Waggoner and the Beatles. HA. Then I showed them to my dad while he watched UNC basketball (he gets irked when I call him a band-wagoner, but seriously, how much did he watch it before this year?) and he admired them too. 

It was sunny today. Sunny and cold, and everything was glinting and shining off of the snow, which is melting at its own luxurious pace. It felt good to be outside, even though all I was doing was shopping. The air smelt like Minnesota, which is a strange thing to say if you've never been there. But it did. Tomorrow is going to be sunny too, and I'm meeting Amanda for breakfast, then going to Mrs Dell's house to chill out, and then to Chick-Fil-A for a training session. I'm looking forward to it all. Then on Friday I work for a little bit, and on Saturday as well. Then I think I'm spending the night at Ashton's house; we'll see. I like working now, and I'm glad it's finally turned out that way. Plus, I like the people I work with, which is such a big plus. 

I guess that's all I have to say for now. Time to go greet mom, since she just walked in the door...

"Hi, I'm ________!"

Dear Future College Roommate,

You scare the crap out of me, just to let you know. Sort of, anyway. Because I have no control over who you are, or where you've come from, or what you like to do. For all I know, you're going to be coming into the dorm each night at one a.m., smelling like alcohol and/or cigarettes, maybe with some random guy who isn't even your boyfriend. My hair is already standing on end. Are tasers allowed on campus? I don't mean to alarm you... actually that's a lie, I hope I'm alarming you so much that you'll think better of being my roommate and stay with someone else! But hey, I'm getting way ahead of myself. And I'll bet all of the above is just a poor assumption that is completely incorrect (hopefully).

I hope that, above all else, you love God. That's basically the ONLY thing I hope for, because if you truly love Jesus, then I won't have to worry about anything unlawful happening. Someone, I think St. Augustine maybe, said "Love God, do as you please." I love that quote, but so many people misinterpret what it says. Or maybe I'm misinterpreting it and sounding like a fool. Whatever, that's a tangent.

In case you're wondering here's some stuff about me.

I like my space, but don't take that the wrong way. It just means you won't ever have to worry about anything of mine encroaching on your half of the room. But if we become good friends, that statement doesn't matter, because I'm sure both of our things will be all over the room and we'll be borrowing each others clothes and stuff like every girl does with her friend. However, I will warn you right now. I do have a "beast mode", that you can ask anyone who knows me about, and they will testify that after a certain point, if I have not had enough sleep, I will bite your head off. Don't worry though, it will be a clean bite, practically painless. I also have a decent sense of humor.

I'm a pretty good listener and I consider myself easy to get along with, for the most part. You have to really go out of your way to tick me off and get me to not like you. There are really only three things that really irritate me: 1) you talk way too much about really stupid things, 2) you're always negative and trying to use me as a shoulder to cry on, and 3) you like to pick fights with me. If you're any of those three things, I'm warning you now, I'm going to request a room change. So please, don't take it personally... look at it like good advice. Oh, and if you're some creepy cultist or satanist, we will not be staying in the same room. Sorry.

I like doing well at things, and because you're at college too, I'm going to take the liberty to assume you're the same to some degree. If I have some huge test to study for and you're trying to get me to go listen to some underground band that will never make it, don't waste your time. Well, I take that back. I hope you always try, because I want to have fun too, and you might just have to force me to relax so I don't die. I'll do the same for you.

So I just reread this and I'm making myself sound like a prim-and-proper jerk. I'm not, really, I'm not. I love laughing over silly jokes and if you're upset I'll always be the first one to try and cheer you up in the least annoying way possible. I'm a very adaptable person— if you like quiet, I'll be quiet; if you're loud, I'll be loud... and then tell you to shut up and chuck a pillow at your head, while laughing because I'm not really serious. I like to read and write and sing and I try to play the piano sometimes but it doesn't always work out. If you're shy, I'm going to talk to you, but all you have to do is tell me to stop and I'll leave you alone. I'm big on respect, and it works like a two-way street: I respect you and you respect me. If you catch me watching you the first week or so, it's because I am, but not in a creepy way (which I hope you understand!). I love to observe people, and the best way I'm going to get to know you is if I watch how you operate. So don't freak out, por favor.

At this point you're probably thinking that you need to switch rooms. I don't blame you.

Your potential future roommate,
Kristina

El Futuro

I love writing in future-tense. When I close my eyes to look at it, everything seems bold and brassy when I know what's going on. It can be clean and beautiful and so solid that I'm waiting to dive into the ocean; whether or not I have a life vest doesn't seem to matter. But then it can be like smoky glass, twisted into a dazzling figurine, opaque and mysterious. That's when I want the life jacket. 

I got accepted to UNC Chapel Hill. I've been looking at facts and figures, filling out FAFSA's and printing out scholarships, checking out dorm rooms and trying to get everything organized. My dad and I sat down for six hours today, just working the system. Crazy stuff. 

It's late, which means that my imagination is just getting started. I don't care whether this gets read or not— I simply must let out this glorious explosion of feelings inside me into words, into English, into future-tense. When I close my eyes I see beautiful things, wonderful places. I see blue skies that are so bright and crystalline that they make my eyes water simply imagining them. I see wide fields so green that they're like fresh dill or celery, crunchy and bittersweet, smelling of the earth and something alive and present. Have you ever opened yourself up to it? And I mean really, truly let down your guard and let your senses overwhelm everything around you? I can hardly breathe enough to explain it; it's like letting God awaken all of the musty things inside of me that get trapped up by daily routines and rituals, and things just sort of get swept out so that everything is refreshed, renewed, and clean. Goodness, have you ever thought of the billions and trillions of stars out there? Galaxies and force fields and planets and eternity. How are we the only ones? And here we are on this little planet, thinking that we matter, thinking we're important. How ridiculous! Right now I'm smelling daisies and roses and I'm sitting in the shade of some fragrant pine tree, and there's a wind whispering into my ear and it's so delightful. There's a salt smell because the ocean is nearby, and in the distance you can hear birds and something magnetic that's pulling you in, pulling you deeper, and you can't resist it. It's too good, too pure. It's the best memory you've ever had, playing through your mind. There's music playing that's sweet and soothing, and you close your eyes and listen to it's shades. There are colors dancing and waves crashing and the sun is warm, warm, and delicious against your skin. Yellow is all around you and blue and it's invigorating! Just wrap yourself in it. Angles are singing, you're dancing under these pine trees, God is good, oh so very good. Things are how they should be, whole and together. Maybe this is worship. Oh, worship! 

O.C. (4)-- Again. This is crazy.

I really can't believe it. God, are you writing these for me?! I mean honestly, it's almost creeping me out, except it's too wonderful and amazing to be creepy. Everything I've been reading these past couple days has fallen into place, it seems... and of course I am being cautious about it, but I almost can't believe how clearly Your voice is coming through the haze, whether by a sermon (two of them, actually), the daily devotional, Unto Full Stature, or the book of Jeremiah... I'm awed. 

Have You Ever Been Alone with God? (2)

When He was alone... the twelve asked Him about the parable— Mark 4:10

His Solitude with Us: When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship— when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us. Notice Jesus Christ's training of the Twelve. It was the disciples, not the crowd outside, who were confused. His disciples constantly asked Him questions, and He constantly explained things to them, but they didn't understand until after they received the Holy Spirit (see John 14:26). 

As you journey with God, the only thing He intends to be clear is the way He deals with your soul. The sorrows and difficulties in the lives of others will be absolutely confusing to you. We think we understand another person's struggle until God reveals the same shortcomings in our lives. There are vast areas of stubbornness and ignorance the Holy Spirit has to reveal in each of us, but it can only be done when Jesus gets us alone. Are we alone with Him now? Or are we more concerned with our own ideas, friendships, and cares for our bodies? Jesus cannot teach us anything until we quit all our intellectual questions and get alone with Him. 

O.C. (3)-- Wow.

So I finally read the devotion for the day and was shocked... and convicted. 

What My Obedience Costs' Other People

"As they led Him away, they laid hold of a certain man, Simon..., and on him they laid the cross that he might bear it after Jesus" Luke 23:26

If we obey God, it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the pain begins. If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything— it is a delight. But to those who do not love him, our obedience does cost a great deal. If we obey God, it will mean that other people's plans are upset. They will ridicule us as if to say, "You call this Christianity"?  We could prevent the suffering, but not if we are obedient to God. We must let the cost be paid. 

When our obedience begins to cost others, our human pride entrenches itself and we say, "I will never accept anything from anyone." But we must, or disobey God. We have no right to think that the type of relationships we have with others should be any different from those the Lord himself had (see Luke 8:1-3).

A lack of progress in our spiritual life results when we try to bear all the costs ourselves. And actually, we cannot. Because we are so involved in the universal purposes of God, others are immediately affected by our obedience to Him. Will we remain faithful in our obedience to God and be willing to suffer the humiliation of refusing to be independent? Or will we do just the opposite and say, "I will not cause other people to suffer"? We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but it will grieve our Lord . If, however, we obey God, He will care for those who have suffered the consequences for our obedience. We must simply obey and leave all the consequences with Him. 

Beware of the inclination to dictate to God what consequences you would allow as a condition of your obedience to Him. 

Jeremiah 15:15-21

You who know, O Lord,

Remember me, take notice of me,

And take vengeance for me on

my persecutors.

Do not, in view of Your patience,

take me away;

Know that for Your sake I 

endure reproach

Your words were found and I ate

them,

And Your words became for me

a joy and the delight of my 

heart;

For I have been called by Your

name,

O Lord God of hosts.

I did not sit in the circle of merrymakers,

Nor did I exult.

Because of Your hand [yoke] upon me I

sat alone,

For You filled me with

indignation.

Why has my pain been perpetual

And my wound incurable,

refusing to be healed?

Will You indeed be to me like a

deceptive stream

With water that is unreliable?

Therefore, thus says the Lord,

"If you return, then I will restore

you—

Before Me you will stand;

And if you extract the precious 

from the worthless,

You will become My spokesman.

They for their part may turn to 

you,

But as for you, you must not turn

to them.

Then I will make you to this

people

A fortified wall of bronze;

And though they fight against

you,

They will not prevail over you;

For I am with you to save you

And deliver you," declares the 

Lord. 

"So I will deliver you from the 

hand of the wicked,

And I will redeem you from the

grasp of the violent." 

Regeneration

Have you ever watched cells split apart under a microscope? I'm not much of a science/biology person, but I love learning about how the body works. And cells are pretty cool, on a miniscule level. They make up EVERYTHING— they're necessary. Anyway, cells regenerate, right? They can split apart and multiply and be independent and work together to make up anything. 

I am made up of cells; you are made up of cells. Living, growing, expanding tissue that fights infection and carries oxygen to our brain. So my new year is kicking off with this theme— regeneration. I want to be a big, fat cell, to "split" into something new and yet stay connected and together, to make up whatever God wants me to be. I don't want to rush; I'm not going to force-feed myself. I'm going to let God do His work. That's my purpose today.