Do You Remember?

Close your eyes.

We were pushing through a crowd of people. You couldn't see my face, and you didn't know where we were going. But you grabbed my hand to hold on, as I assured you that we were going home. Part one has already been completed. We said, "Let's go!" Now phase two is in the process and you've got to grab my hand and hold on as everyone and everything pushes in around us, forcing separation. The final scene is coming. Where the color comes into the picture. I might turn my back at one point, and you may feel like you can barely breathe, but the color, the life, is coming. At the end, we'll be so close that our smiles will touch. Do you remember?

Pause. Inhale. Exhale.

God is faithful.

Sometimes, I forget this. Sometimes I want to forget and do what I want to do instead. I want to shake my fist at the ceiling and say, Okay, God! Where are You now, hmm?

Oh, the rights I think I have. The truth is, I am a vessel. I can't always choose my voyage, but at least I know the destination. I do decide whether I work to keep up or let myself sink. But a sinking ship was never ordained to be used for His purposes; at least, not when the ship chooses to capsize itself. To walk on water, I must fix my eyes... and my joy.

If there's one thing I'm learning, it's that in His silence there is so much peace. It's hard to recognize and sometimes (a lot of the time) I mistake it for apathy. But the truth is, God is quiet for a reason, and it is when I praise Him despite this that I learn the biggest truths, whether they are about myself, my circumstances, or Him. When I am right with Him, that peace that transcends all understanding is contagious... and I am okay.

For example: it is no secret that I am struggling in college. BUT before you cringe and think I'm about to complain again, just wait. Yes, I am struggling here at Chapel Hill; no, it's not my favorite place to be every day. However, I also could be doing a lot better of a job being joyful in the pit, in the midst of my trial. God never said to stop praising Him when we were in the valley, and that is exactly what I did. I allowed (and still allow) my eyes to settle on the work, the lack of Christian companions, the distance between me and my family and me and Luke, the lies being thrown in my face, etc. etc. This, I am sorry to realize, is exactly what satan wanted. If he couldn't completely screw my faith over in one fell swoop, he was going to make me pity myself and feel as miserable as possible about my circumstances. I have had unending sleepless nights, weight loss, appetite loss, potential depression— why? Because I took my eyes off of Jesus, and put them on myself. My faith took a major detour when God wasn't quick to wave a wand over me and "make it better." What does that say about my knowledge of Him? What does that say of my faith, my hope, my supposedly renewed life? I am thankful for His silence because He knows what I need before I even ask, and I know He will provide. I was told that if I endured this confinement, this maze of uncertainty, and follow Him even when He seems invisible, that all would work for His glory and my joy. Maybe I can't laugh today— but then, I will laugh at His goodness, His mercies. My confidence is in the Lord.

Unfortunately, this doesn't mean I will suddenly wake up tomorrow morning shouting out how much I love Chapel Hill and eagerly bouncing up and down on my way to class, ready to make new friends, oh boy! Ha, naw, but it does mean that my attitude is on the up and up. My joy is in the Lord, not my location. My joy is in the Lord, not my family. My joy is in the Lord, not my accomplishments. My joy is in the Lord, not my boyfriend (though I try to make it that, sometimes, and it only hurts us both). My. Joy. Is. In. The. LORD. He is faithful. Whether I believe that or not does not change that fact that He is faithful. My belief, or lack thereof, does not shape my Father's character, hallelujah! He does not have a self-confidence issue; He does not need me to praise Him to make Him feel better about Himself. He is God. I need HIM— He does not need me.

So tomorrow begins a new day. My mom likes to hang it over my head that I told her a some random point in my weirdo-loser-teenybopper years, "If you can't change a situation, change the way you look at it." I don't know if I believe her— why would I have said such a thing? Regardless, I guess I'll take my own advice. Father, it's just You and me.

If I lost everything... it would be okay.

Blah blah blah.

Today I took my Astronomy midterm. I forgot my calculator, so I guessed on a lot of the questions. I honestly probably failed it. I don't care. I feel bad for not feeling bad.

I'm really having to fight through this fog. There are so many times where I just feel like giving up. It's obvious that I'm not making much progress, as almost everything I've written sounds exactly the same. At least I don't make it public any more.

I lied to my dad about where I was this past weekend. He thought I was at Elon, but I was in Greensboro. I told my mom, who told me that I have to tell my dad. I know I do. I didn't even lie because I didn't want him to know I was there— it was just more convenient at the time to have him think I was at Elon when all the bank stuff was happening that to explain in the midst of it how I ended up being somewhere else.

I wish I cared about something. I wish this apathy would go away and that the sun would somehow make it through to me. Because right now, I can't see anything. And it doesn't even bother me. I'm probably going to have awful grades this semester and it doesn't matter to me. I don't feel uptight or nervous about it. It doesn't shock me. I don't feel the need to improve or work harder. I don't feel anything.

There's got to be something more. There's got to be something more.

"Apathetic" --Relient K

I don't understand this. Again. I've had three posts like this, which is why I changed my URL so that no one else could see the depression creeping in like a cold fog. It's apathetic, which is the worst part. I'm not necessarily suffering for company and I keep decently busy. But I don't care. I don't care at all. If people want to meet up I agree without thinking about it or disagree because I'm lazy. I'm getting poor grades in class and it doesn't bother me a bit. I'm not doing the reading and I'm just getting by. I laugh and joke around without the joy; I look around and don't find an interest in anything. I've even become apathetic with my Jesus-relationship. I'm not reading my Bible consistently, I'm not praying, I'm not going to church or Bible study on a regular basis. I'm not doing anything, really. Not worth any amount of significance, anyways.

Honestly, this is scary. Underneath my apathy there's a terrible, terrible fear to watch myself slip away into gray area. I never expected myself to be the one to suffer from this. I've always been positive, always been upbeat, always been happy and content. But now, all of a sudden, I don't even know where the real me went. I'm watching her be overtaken by this uncaring, indifferent girl who might as well be anyone else. The difference is subtle but overwhelming. The real Kristina comes out from time to time, in certain situations, and the sun comes out and the clouds get pushed aside. But then, quickly, they come right back in and it starts to drizzle. There's no torrential downpour, really, but it's always misting and gray and dim. It's like having a veil over your brain, over your heart. I think that's another reason why I'm so hesitant to make new friends; I want them to know the old me, the happy me, not this new me who I don't recognize or even like, for that matter. I don't want people to know a depressed me. I want them to know who I was. Who I still hopefully am, somewhere.

If this is some sort of sahara I need to get through, I'm just hoping that I make it out alive. I'm dying of thirst; I want living water so badly but I'm too stupid to get it. I'm wandering in circles, hallucinating and then getting shocked by reality intermittently. This sound depressing. I really think I am suffering from depression of some form. I am sleeping badly. I am always sore and have a headache. I don't care about anything. I don't feel challenged with school; I don't tackle it like I did in high school. I feel like I always have a blank expression on my face; I don't smile much. I cry for no real reason other than I'm so tired of crying that I cry about it. It's either that or I force so much caffeine into my system that I go crazy just for the sake of feeling something. I laugh hysterically about nothing and make stupid jokes about nothing, but it's the adrenaline rush that I'm craving. That only happens late at night though, when the room smells like too much nail polish and acetone and the girls think I'm funny. I want to give up. I really want to give up.

And I don't want anyone to know. My parents inevitably see a change and don't like it. I try to hide it as best I can from people who don't know me, from Danielle (but sometimes she sees a little; that's unavoidable), from Luke, from anyone, really. I need to get over this. I'm thinking about seeking counseling here at school. We'll see.