"Apathetic" --Relient K

I don't understand this. Again. I've had three posts like this, which is why I changed my URL so that no one else could see the depression creeping in like a cold fog. It's apathetic, which is the worst part. I'm not necessarily suffering for company and I keep decently busy. But I don't care. I don't care at all. If people want to meet up I agree without thinking about it or disagree because I'm lazy. I'm getting poor grades in class and it doesn't bother me a bit. I'm not doing the reading and I'm just getting by. I laugh and joke around without the joy; I look around and don't find an interest in anything. I've even become apathetic with my Jesus-relationship. I'm not reading my Bible consistently, I'm not praying, I'm not going to church or Bible study on a regular basis. I'm not doing anything, really. Not worth any amount of significance, anyways.

Honestly, this is scary. Underneath my apathy there's a terrible, terrible fear to watch myself slip away into gray area. I never expected myself to be the one to suffer from this. I've always been positive, always been upbeat, always been happy and content. But now, all of a sudden, I don't even know where the real me went. I'm watching her be overtaken by this uncaring, indifferent girl who might as well be anyone else. The difference is subtle but overwhelming. The real Kristina comes out from time to time, in certain situations, and the sun comes out and the clouds get pushed aside. But then, quickly, they come right back in and it starts to drizzle. There's no torrential downpour, really, but it's always misting and gray and dim. It's like having a veil over your brain, over your heart. I think that's another reason why I'm so hesitant to make new friends; I want them to know the old me, the happy me, not this new me who I don't recognize or even like, for that matter. I don't want people to know a depressed me. I want them to know who I was. Who I still hopefully am, somewhere.

If this is some sort of sahara I need to get through, I'm just hoping that I make it out alive. I'm dying of thirst; I want living water so badly but I'm too stupid to get it. I'm wandering in circles, hallucinating and then getting shocked by reality intermittently. This sound depressing. I really think I am suffering from depression of some form. I am sleeping badly. I am always sore and have a headache. I don't care about anything. I don't feel challenged with school; I don't tackle it like I did in high school. I feel like I always have a blank expression on my face; I don't smile much. I cry for no real reason other than I'm so tired of crying that I cry about it. It's either that or I force so much caffeine into my system that I go crazy just for the sake of feeling something. I laugh hysterically about nothing and make stupid jokes about nothing, but it's the adrenaline rush that I'm craving. That only happens late at night though, when the room smells like too much nail polish and acetone and the girls think I'm funny. I want to give up. I really want to give up.

And I don't want anyone to know. My parents inevitably see a change and don't like it. I try to hide it as best I can from people who don't know me, from Danielle (but sometimes she sees a little; that's unavoidable), from Luke, from anyone, really. I need to get over this. I'm thinking about seeking counseling here at school. We'll see.

Heartache.

We knew this was going to be difficult. But now the true test has kicked in, and how are we doing? Going long periods of time without seeing each other has made it seem dream-like and surreal. What does that mean? The end so soon?

I freed you, you know. Before we left for college, I freed you from every promise you had ever made me, so that if the time were to come where mutuality would fade, you would be good to go and I would hold nothing against you. And that still holds, that freedom. If you need to go your own way and do your own thing; if you think I'm holding you back or making things difficult; if you no longer feel the same, then baby, you're free. I will not be the cause of distress in your life.

But I won't lie to you, either. I am deeply and desperately in love with you. I think of you and it's like a million tiny knives to my heart, twisting enough to create such an intense pain that it's almost unbearable. I love you honestly and purely and with a longing and passion that I can't describe on paper. You are breaking my heart and you don't even know it. I want to see you and hold you; I want to be your wife. Does the distance have that much power? Does time stretch us so far that the goal is unattainable? I don't know. I will always, always love you. No matter where we are, who we're with, or what we're doing, there will always be a part of my heart that is broken because you are not mine any longer. You will always hold a piece of me, whether you like it or not, and I'm sorry for that, but for you it will be unnoticeable anyways.

Yes, for the present, you are still mine and I am still yours. Nothing about our relationship status has changed, but I am wary. I cannot see the future. I don't know what's going to happen. I trust God when He doesn't answer. I have nothing else so secure as Him.

I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Luke, don't you understand? My life does not balance on you and my world does not revolve around you, but I want you to be a part of it all. I want to share life with you, to have a mutual life as well as an individual one. And this stupid, stupid distance does not afford that. I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you to see me every weekend, to call me every night, to text me five times a day or whatever. If my actions followed my every wish you would be constantly hearing from me or seeing me, but that is not healthy and so I refrain. All I can do is wait. Love you, wait, and pray.

His Will will be done.

I Just Want You to Know

I want to know where I'm suppose to be. Because in all honest honesty, I don't think it's here. That's hard enough to admit to myself, much less everyone else. The implications are imposing to the question this obviously proposes: if not here, where? And when? And more importantly, how? Am I even sure? No, not really. But something is not sitting well, and it's past the point of "settling in." If these are the best years of my life, why am I spending them somewhere where I'm not enjoying myself, not making the best use of my time, not thriving? It's good, yes, no question there— but it's not the best. The difference, though perhaps so small that it could be called miniscule, is creating waves.

I assumed this was right almost from the beginning. To make matters worse, it was broadcasted (no backing out now!). It's easy to get swept up in it and to push your gut instincts under the rug. Plus, it looked good. Why wouldn't I want to go somewhere that would boost my intellectual, egotistical genius and make everyone else think I was a somebody? Yeah, I worked hard all through high school, yeah I made good grades and did well on the SAT, yeah I'm pretty smart. But what does that accomplish? What does that even matter, in the long run? God can't use me if I'm so caught up in my own abilities that I fail to see Him and be humble enough for use in His Kingdom. Maybe God is breaking my pride in a bigger way than I ever imagined. Maybe He has to temper it, and all of my "smarts" will never even be known or come into play in the big scheme of my life. What if I were in South America for a few years— what would it matter, then, how good my test scores were or how many college classes I had taken? What if God made me smart so that He could show me that I didn't need to be smart to be worth something? Does that even make sense? He will use the humble to shame the wise. He will use the humble to shame the wise.

I have a love for the hispanic culture. For the language, for the people, for their past and for their future. What if God were calling me to the mission field? What if? I have always wanted to do missions. I have always wanted to travel. This has never quite made it to the table; it was always, "Um, you're going to college, end of discussion." Okay, so, here I am— in college. But what if all along I was suppose to be training for something so much bigger than just college? You hear people's stories about how they felt called to do things that "normal" people considered crazy; why can't I be one of those people? There has to be something bigger than college out there, and I don't care what people think about me any more. I don't care about the expectations. I want to do the Lord's will. Father, where do You want me, where do You need me the most? Send me, send me.

And yes, there are those of you (my father probably included) who would say well, Kristina, you're already on a mission field at college, or finish your college career and then do whatever you want. Fine, fine, I see your point, I'm not ignorant. Everyone thinks that getting a successful, secure job is what matters the most. News flash— it's not. It's really not. There is something so much bigger, so much more Kingdom-focused than a nine-to-five job! PAUSE— I am definitely not saying that having a good job isn't what God wants for everyone. I'm just saying that I don't know if that's what He wants for me. I feel like there is something more, a call over the waters that I'm somehow missing here. I'm praying for discernment. Feel free to join me.