A Much Needed Update

What a crazy-busy week! I can't believe it's already July, with the 4th over and celebrated, Lauren come and gone, and the future staring me close in the face. I remember when graduation seemed so far away, and now... well, time flies, right? I need to send in my final transcripts to Carolina before the 15th and finish picking out my courses. Orientation is in exactly one week! I've found myself thinking about college more and more, realizing how prepared/unprepared I am, how things are going to change, and how I'm really not the same person that I thought I was, and how I'm going to be a different person all over again in the course of a few short years. Because really, what's four years out of the average 82-year life span? Hardly anything.

Being with Lauren these past few days has taught me a few things, surprisingly. It's funny how much you can learn from a person who's been your best friend since you were four, because you begin to take for granted that you already know everything about them, about yourself, and about life. And yet, somehow, the relationship teaches you new things in the strangest ways. I've realized that my love language is not physical touch like I thought it was— when I am irritated or tired, I do not like it when people are extremely close to me or touching me. I want my personal space, haha. I also found out that I like to lead people; if I know the directions or the how-to's, I have no problem leading people who don't know. I like being able to take care of people. And then a few things were made even more clear—like the fact that I am extremely impatient, or that I don't always feel the need to be rushing around doing something, or that I am independent. I also discovered that I love my group of friends. I am grateful for who they are and how they interact. They are great.

There seems to be so much hanging in the balance, these days. I feel like I need to keep gathering myself together, gathering myself together, and yet simultaneously spreading myself apart. I want to go into college a whole person, without strings and without pieces missing, but at the same time I don't. I want this summer to spread myself out, to give and explore, but when that happens you don't always get everything back. In a sense, I feel like giving sets me up for inevitable failure. I'm learning to be okay with not making everything work. The only thing that I can find beautiful about being broken is the fact that there is only one way left to go: up and up. Giving is like working a muscle and getting into shape. You have to stretch it to make it work. You have to push it to its breaking point to burn the excess. And when life throws those little uphill moments, you have a set the pace, grit your teeth, and take another step.

Am I willing to work? Am I going to keep giving? And, perhaps more importantly, can I evenly and impartially weigh the consequences of keeping that one string extended? Yes. Yes. No.

The thing about making decisions is that you have to make them on the fly. Magically seeing into the future isn't an option, and given the choice, I really wouldn't want it anyways. In the wake of it all, I trust. Mhmm.