"And do you know Him
And how could you come this
Far just to be the same,
Just to be the same?"
I think about my life whenever I hear this. I'm running, I'm running, I'm running. There's always some new destination, some new goal, a new friend to make, a new activity to do, something, anything that I think will get me farther or better.... but I end up being just the same. Because, you see, I'm taking the wrong steps. I'm picking my own direction and following my own plan. And I end up being the same, feeling unsatisfied, yearning for something just around the corner that I can't put a finger on, can't quite obtain. I am insatiable; I crave a New thing. I'm hungry, I'm starving, I'm a fool with nothing to satisfy because I'm looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places. So often lately I cry out "God! Strip me down! I want to be nothing." I hope in my heart of hearts that I will be rebuilt into a different person. A New, True person.
Yet no matter how far I come, I can not make myself any different by my own power. It's a hard lesson to learn: that you can't fix yourself. I never believed it until this past year. It used to be so easy for me to believe that whatever I worked for, sweated blood and tears for, I could achieve. I mean, come on, it's beaten into you by all of your teachers and mentors from the minute you reach comprehension and forward. "If you set your mind to it, you can be anything you want to be!" Yeah... shut up.
If Christ doesn't completely suffuse everything I am, if I don't let Christ overwhelm me and become all of me, what am I doing? I'm barely getting by. What am I if I am not Christ? I am a shell. An empty, empty shell, with unending hunger, never full, always searching, echoing, in a world full of shells who fill themselves with useless CRAP, who cover themselves in makeup and nice clothes, who look in the mirror and say "See, I'm a normal, happy person", when really they are naked and starved, so sick they are dying, but too human to know the difference. I don't want to wake up forty years from now thinking that my life has been wasted to the point where I couldn't care less whether the sun continues to rise or not.
I'm at a crossroads. I can't go back and there's a wall ahead of me. You from my past: thank you for helping me get this far. It's really up to you how much further you want to go with me to the next phase. You from my future: Are you going to let me in? Or are you going to watch me from the other side of the wall, contemptible at my feeble attempts to scale it? Because I'm going forward.
Goodbye, Special K. Goodbye, Kristina. This is You in me, God. Give me a new name. A new song. It's time to be reborn.
And Thomas's lyrics lull me to sleep.
5 comments:
"Goodbye 'Special K' goodbye 'Kristina'"
i love this phrase. as i read this, you know what occurred to me, you have the most beautiful mask on. when i talk to you just here and there, i would never know you feel all these things, and that you are a normal person that struggles with their relationship with God.
I don't say this to make you feel bad about it, we all have our masks. But it is humbling and comforting to know that even the person that you admire struggles like you do.
i'm praying for you. call me please.
Kristina. I love you ♥
"God! Strip me down! I want to be nothing." I hope in my heart of hearts that I will be rebuilt into a different person. A New, True person.
You say you pray this often. But have you ever thought. God doesn't want to strip you. Make you nothing? because maybe he has already created you into something. and instead of creating you into something completely different and new. He wants to make you stronger and better in who you are now? Kristina, God has such GREAT plans for you. You know that. You don't know what they are. But you know that. None of us do. We search and search for them our whole lives. when really all we need to do is just trust God. Give it to him. Take his hand. and let him take the lead.
I love you girl. You are so strong. Which is a good thing. BUT God just wants to love you and help you. He sees your heart. He sees your struggles. He is right behind you saying. "May I have that?" He wants your heart. He wants to take it fix and make it ten times better. just trust him with that. I know its hard. but it is soo sooo worth it when you do.
You can tell your past goodbye. But you ain't tell me goodbye. lol. I plan to stick by yah girlie. because i love you and want to support you.
anyways I'm just rambling. with my stupid thoughts lol.
You know how you left that comment on my blog about wishing on the littlest star. Theres a reason for that name. its because i WANT to wish on the littlest star. Because you see the littlest star is the one NO ONE believes can do it. So no one has the faith to just trust the little star. But me, I am stepping out on my faith. And I'm just God. Because one day. that little star that no one thought could. Will shine brighter and bigger then anyone EVER thought could. Because in Christ we can do ALL things. :D. (that makes no sense lol. it sounded better in my head.)
I love you girl. I really do.
Yeah. I love that song. The way I see it, I don't want to say good bye to me completely, but I want to say goodbye to everything that I (I hit cap locks for 'I' to make an empahsis on it, meanwhile, it's a word you normally cap anyway, ahaha.) want and am in my flesh and say hello to everything that God wants for me and is building me to be! Yeah, I don't want to be an empty, useless shell. Preach it girl! (:
p.s. what happened to your facebook?
I love you, friend. You have a beautiful mind (not creepy like in the beautiful mind movie, but chyeah) and a beautiful heart. I would respond to this fully, but I have to go to work.
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