Ground Zero.

I feel numb. I guess it's to be expected, really, after and still in the midst of an intense round of emotions.

I've been waiting. Waiting for you to wake up and realize that I'm worth it. I'm worth getting up before 2 PM so that you can spend the day with me, I'm worth calling and texting to let me know that you care enough to respond, I'm worth reading the Bible with, striving towards God together with, and waiting, truly waiting, with. You see, I can handle "the wait." The big one, the one that would take years and get us through college. I can do that. What I can't wait for is you to change, because you won't. I can't wait for you to tell me what's going on. Because while you feel like I'm dragging you on, I simultaneously feel like you're dragging me on. I'm not questioning your affections, nor your emotions, nor your intentions, but I am questioning your actions and your priorities.

I understand that your family comes first. I understand even more that God comes first. But I don't feel like I'm important to you. I don't feel like you think I'm worth the effort; you can tell me I am all day long, and write the most beautiful letters that break my heart as I read them, and you can tell me that you'll call me at 8:30 every night.... but I need you to prove it to me. I need the proof, babe. You were upset that I left on Saturday night, and said that you hadn't had enough time with me, but who had the power to change that? You told me yourself that you got up late and did nothing all day, while I waited for you to call, which you did not. I got a text, and then an "I'll call you after I get out of the shower", which somehow took an hour and then I get the call, saying "Okay, you can come now." You could have had all day. I needed you all day. I wanted you all day. I waited for you all day. Story of a good chunk of our relationship, lately.

And as mad as it makes me at myself, I'm still waiting for you. Waiting, hoping, that you'll realize that this is something to fight for. To wake up for. But I know you, Luke, I know you just as well as you know me, and in that knowledge I know that you won't, to my despair and grief, fight for me. To think, to realize, that to you it's just not worth the effort, breaks my heart more than not being with you breaks it. I would do absolutely anything in the world for you, and to feel like it's not reciprocated tears me to pieces over and over, and I just don't know if I can deal with it. Yet here I am, still hoping that you'll surprise me.

I need someone who needs me. I don't give myself up easily, and when I do, I want them to understand just how important that is, just how precious that is, and do the same for me. I will go out of my way and be inconvenient for the people that I love. I push back times, I call things off, I tell other plans to wait, because I WANT to see you, because I NEED to see you, because, simply put, I love you. And I think you're worth more than anything in the world. YOU are my priority, because if I truly believe that you are my half, my future husband, my leader and my fighter and my knight in freaking shining armor, then you need to take priority in my life. And I put you there— I really did. I called it into question, though, the moment I saw that it may no longer be mutual. That moment, that second, was the one that I truly broke. When things were no longer mutual, baby, I was so... broken.

I want it to be you so badly. So badly that I want to erase everything I've thought about and start over. But I just don't know if it can work that way, because then it will still be me, trying, and waiting for a response. There are so many things about you that are so, so, good. Things that I love and appreciate, things that you have that no one else has, things that I desperately miss already, now and every time I've had to be away from you. I'm not saying this to compensate for the previous paragraphs. I'm saying this to be honest. I still want you, and I still am praying to God that things will somehow work out and that we can still be together. I am holding on, just as you've asked. But when do I have to let go? What if you never come back and say "let's try again" or something to that effect? I don't know. And this... break, or whatever you call it... I don't even know what it is because it's not like we set a limit. I don't know what you're thinking, or how you're feeling. I don't know what you want.

I want you, Joseph Luke Coats. I love you. I don't know how to let you go. I wrote this because you deserve an explanation. After this, I'll leave you alone. If you want to talk to me, please rest assured, I will be more than happy. In fact, I'll be ecstatic. I can't tell you what to do, or who to be, or whatever. But I do love you. And maybe I'll see you at Ethnos. I'm praying for you.

All my love,

Kristina Lorraine.

Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?

I am spiritually dejected, and thus, I have no one to blame but myself.

I cry every weekend. Sometimes on the weeknights, too.

My God, I say, My God, Why have you forsaken me?

This is foolish because I know God is always there, but still I ask.

Tonight was no exception.

I keep thinking that I've found the right answer. Yet each time I learn something that I think is going to "fix things", I find myself crying again and again, right back where I started. And I don't even know where that is.

I almost broke up with Luke tonight. We came very close. Distance is hard, not seeing each other is hard, not talking is hard.

I cried. I don't know the exact reason why. I've been crying and screaming and angry. I feel chained. Maybe this is confinement, but then where's the freedom in Christ?

God, it doesn't matter how many times I've told you or will tell you that I'm sick of this. I gave up asking why and now I simply ask, how long? How long must I endure? And why am I always crying? Is there a right answer, a fix?

Apparently not, because I think I've tried just about everything in the book so far. Must I rid myself of everything? Because Luke and I are close to the edge, and then what? Must I smash Gabe on the sidewalk and write with a pen and paper? That is spiteful. I'm sorry.

The truth is, I'm done looking for answers. I give up. I'll just keep crying over who-knows-what, screaming at a silent ceiling, beating my fists against a concrete floor, tearing my hair out and yelling at You, God. I am done wondering what's going on because it's clear that I'll never get an answer.

Take it all away. Yes, take every bit of it.

But don't forsake me.

If It Doesn't Break Your Heart...

Being on the backside of something is a funny feeling; maybe that's just because hind sight is 20-20.

I'm doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with Luke. I'm worried that we're not going to be everything that the other needs. And while I understand that people grow and change and work to better themselves, there are certain unalterable traits that everyone has, and sometimes, they just don't mix. I don't know exactly what Luke needs. I can try to be what I think he needs, but sometimes, that just isn't enough. That goes for visa vera, too.

Here is what I need. Here is what I want.

I need someone who will take a stand in Christ.

The end.