I cry every weekend. Sometimes on the weeknights, too.
My God, I say, My God, Why have you forsaken me?
This is foolish because I know God is always there, but still I ask.
Tonight was no exception.
I keep thinking that I've found the right answer. Yet each time I learn something that I think is going to "fix things", I find myself crying again and again, right back where I started. And I don't even know where that is.
I almost broke up with Luke tonight. We came very close. Distance is hard, not seeing each other is hard, not talking is hard.
I cried. I don't know the exact reason why. I've been crying and screaming and angry. I feel chained. Maybe this is confinement, but then where's the freedom in Christ?
God, it doesn't matter how many times I've told you or will tell you that I'm sick of this. I gave up asking why and now I simply ask, how long? How long must I endure? And why am I always crying? Is there a right answer, a fix?
Apparently not, because I think I've tried just about everything in the book so far. Must I rid myself of everything? Because Luke and I are close to the edge, and then what? Must I smash Gabe on the sidewalk and write with a pen and paper? That is spiteful. I'm sorry.
The truth is, I'm done looking for answers. I give up. I'll just keep crying over who-knows-what, screaming at a silent ceiling, beating my fists against a concrete floor, tearing my hair out and yelling at You, God. I am done wondering what's going on because it's clear that I'll never get an answer.
Take it all away. Yes, take every bit of it.
But don't forsake me.
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