A Much Needed Update

What a crazy-busy week! I can't believe it's already July, with the 4th over and celebrated, Lauren come and gone, and the future staring me close in the face. I remember when graduation seemed so far away, and now... well, time flies, right? I need to send in my final transcripts to Carolina before the 15th and finish picking out my courses. Orientation is in exactly one week! I've found myself thinking about college more and more, realizing how prepared/unprepared I am, how things are going to change, and how I'm really not the same person that I thought I was, and how I'm going to be a different person all over again in the course of a few short years. Because really, what's four years out of the average 82-year life span? Hardly anything.

Being with Lauren these past few days has taught me a few things, surprisingly. It's funny how much you can learn from a person who's been your best friend since you were four, because you begin to take for granted that you already know everything about them, about yourself, and about life. And yet, somehow, the relationship teaches you new things in the strangest ways. I've realized that my love language is not physical touch like I thought it was— when I am irritated or tired, I do not like it when people are extremely close to me or touching me. I want my personal space, haha. I also found out that I like to lead people; if I know the directions or the how-to's, I have no problem leading people who don't know. I like being able to take care of people. And then a few things were made even more clear—like the fact that I am extremely impatient, or that I don't always feel the need to be rushing around doing something, or that I am independent. I also discovered that I love my group of friends. I am grateful for who they are and how they interact. They are great.

There seems to be so much hanging in the balance, these days. I feel like I need to keep gathering myself together, gathering myself together, and yet simultaneously spreading myself apart. I want to go into college a whole person, without strings and without pieces missing, but at the same time I don't. I want this summer to spread myself out, to give and explore, but when that happens you don't always get everything back. In a sense, I feel like giving sets me up for inevitable failure. I'm learning to be okay with not making everything work. The only thing that I can find beautiful about being broken is the fact that there is only one way left to go: up and up. Giving is like working a muscle and getting into shape. You have to stretch it to make it work. You have to push it to its breaking point to burn the excess. And when life throws those little uphill moments, you have a set the pace, grit your teeth, and take another step.

Am I willing to work? Am I going to keep giving? And, perhaps more importantly, can I evenly and impartially weigh the consequences of keeping that one string extended? Yes. Yes. No.

The thing about making decisions is that you have to make them on the fly. Magically seeing into the future isn't an option, and given the choice, I really wouldn't want it anyways. In the wake of it all, I trust. Mhmm.

6 Minutes with Jesus.

Oh!- Glory, glory to the Father, King of kings and Holiest of holies. God, what can I say to you? You are amazing and uncontainable, the first and last, the one who was and is and is to come. You are beauty and fire and life and judgement and love. Love, God, such a God of love.

"What do I know of you

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along your ocean?

Are you fire are you fury,

Are you sacred, are you beautiful?

So what do I know—

What do I know of holy?" --Addison Road, "What Do I Know of Holy?"

Father, Father, Father. I am in love with You. Desperately, uncontrollably, and joyfully in love with You. You fill me. You make me. You are everything, God... Everything. The only important thing in life, the only thing that really matters, is You. You are so BIG, God, and vast! So mighty and incredible! Who am I, who am I, to praise you, to pray to you, to know you? Lord! You are so good. I can't even describe with human words your goodness, Father. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!

Tonight, I reaped the consequences of what I sowed and I am so glad. Tonight, I was six minutes late. For the next six times I go out, my curfew is 10:00. But I am glad. Because the six minutes of prayer that made me miss curfew by six minutes was so pure, and so good, and so heartfelt, that I could not wish it any other way. I am joyful that it was so! I would not trade those six minutes of prayer to make curfew for anything in the world. Father, I cannot contain this love for you that is bubbling inside me right now. I stand in AWE of you, Lord, incredulous awe, because I cannot fathom you or your goodness. I. Love. You.

And Father! The way you revealed yourself as we prayed, as a group and as a pair... God! You are themostamazingthingihaveeverseenoforheardofinmylife. The way you move, the way you work, the way the Holy Spirit is poured out, is unbelievable! So much, God, you bless us so much. How undeserving we are! I trust you. I trust you with everything I have and everything I am, my very life I would cast aside to love you and be close to you, following your will. Wow.

Lord. Keep this love and build it. Between me and You. Between me and my family. Between me and my friends. Between me and my church. Between me and Luke. Build it, grow it, shape it, mold it, keep it pure, keep it fresh, keep it active. Keep it sincere.

Praise and Glory to you, Jesus.

Grassroots.

I've finally come to the conclusion that I don't trust God to love me when I make mistakes. I don't believe He will want to listen to me when I need to talk to Him. It's a sad, sad place to be, and it's not only ruining my relationship with Him, but my relationships with everyone else.

As you probably know, I love people. One of the things I like the most is hearing what they have to say— I love to listen. Because really, people need it, and no one does it enough any more. I need to watch it or I'll get on my little soapbox, but honestly, it's hard to find anyone who is willing to listen to another person talk for more than a few minutes. We are so self-consumed! Anyway, you can always tell when whomever you're talking to becomes disinterested in your conversation, because their body language gives them away. I've learned the classic signs over the years, so I can take the cue and shut up. You see, people who are bored with listening don't look you in the eye. They typically fidget or play with something, but think it's unobtrusive. But the tell-tale sign is that they usually end up cutting into whatever it is you're saying; whether it's to simple break your train of thought or direct things back to themselves depends on the person. That's when you know you're not free to talk anymore past surface level concepts.