You see, I've never been good at that sort of thing.
You know, the whole "saying the right thing at the right time" issue. Or knowing when to NOT say anything. I lack tact. More than that, I lack discernment. And maybe to top off the cake, I can't empathize.
Man, it's been an off week. But it's left me feeling pretty humble.
I am glad that no one can read this, because I may type things tonight that would really offend other people and be the epitome of my un-tactfulness. However, since it's basically me and God here... well, here goes.
Let's backtrack a week. Last Saturday night I was a total wreck. Luke had left, and I was incredibly lonely with no way of dealing with it. So I started talking to God, and it turned into an all-out smack down. Crying, anger, repentance, thankfulness, the works. I'm so tired of the circles, you know? Going back around the same mountains, fighting the same battles, asking forgiveness for the same sins. It gets old pretty quick. And if it's old to me, an ignorant human, how much more so to God? I decided I was going to fast until Thursday— 5 days.
The next morning I went to church at Grace; the message was about sin. It was convicting and eye-opening. I realized that I've been full of worldly sorrow and needed a true dose of Godly sorrow. That definitely kept me going in circles and revealed that I have not (obviously) had a right relationship with God, especially if I cared about what other people thought more than what He thought, and so on.
The week was long, tough, and good. I prayed. I read the Bible. Danielle and I talked about God. Things with Luke were alright.
On Wednesday, Luke's aunt Nancy died.
At this point, I think things really got strange for me. And I realize that "strange" is probably an offensive word, but I honestly cannot find a better one for describing the circumstances.
I have never had anyone close to me die. I don't know what it feels like. I've imagined the pain of it before, I've dreamed about it, but that obviously doesn't even come close to the real thing. For the first time in my life, I have not known how to comfort someone. I've not been able to relate to them, and I've not had words to say. It was a weird, distressing, and unbearable feeling. So, of course, I've prayed. It's the only thing I could and can do. Maybe this is God showing me that prayer is more powerful and more comforting that any other human act or word could possibly be, and maybe this is Him humbling me further. I certainly feel useless, except, of course, for when I'm praying about the situation.
It's been hard to talk to Luke, for obvious reasons. I love him and I'm aching to be an encouragement, to be loving, to be whatever he needs... but I can't. I don't know how. And I honestly feel like nothing can be done. I can say "I'm sorry", but what do those words even mean, anyways? They don't help, and it's gotten to the point where they hardly carry any weight, any significance, any consolation. I'm desperately trying to pinpoint any selfishness in me in order to eradicate it from our conversations, because I want him to feel like... I don't know... geez, I don't know. I don't understand, and I can't. I hate it. I passionately hate it. I'm so glad no one reads this.
To top it off, I told Dell that Rushton's been drinking. I'm sure I opened the most disgusting can of worms and my stomach's been twisting about it, sort of. I know that Luke is going to get a ton of crap for it, because he's told me about it, and I definitely don't want that. He said he shouldn't have told me about anything, which hurt, but I knew what I was getting into even as the words were coming out of my mouth. And I know, without a doubt, that Rushton may greatly dislike me for a good while. I accept this. My dad thinks I did the wrong thing completely by saying anything to her at all. I see both sides of the argument, and I still stick to what I did. Dell had a right to know. Rushton is still under her authority, despite the fact that he turned eighteen. She still pays his bills, he still lives under her roof, and he is still a dependent. Plus, Dell is my friend, and when she asks I cannot lie to her with a clean conscience. I can't withold information from her like that. Dad calls it tattling (as I'm sure the rest of the guys do), but I call it accountability and love.
I still feel kind of sick about the whole issue. I don't like the feeling of people disliking me. I don't like the thought of them finding me a tattle-tale or whatever you want to call it, but that's that and it's done with now. Of course, Dell was grateful and she said I did the right thing, but of course she would. The question is, does God? Father, if You say I did the right thing, then I am perfectly fine with whatever anything thinks about me for whatever reason. I will count that all as loss as long as I know I did what was right in Your eyes. I simply don't know, and it feels awful. I know my intentions, and I know that I spoke up because I care about the guys. I care a lot and I want them to know You. I just don't want anyone to feel like I'm trying to be condemning, because I MESS UP ALL THE TIME. I am the BIGGEST sinner of the group and I WANT people to call me out.
I don't know. I felt really bad about adding that to Luke's plate, because I know he's going to hear it from the guys, and it's completely my "fault." Sigh. I just don't know what to do. Ignorance truly is bliss, and I think I'm glad that Luke may watch what he tells me now. I don't want to have to bear the burden and discern whether it's crucial enough to tell someone.
Another thing. Dell says it's wrong for Luke to come to UNC, if only for the poor image that it gives. Even if we do nothing, it looks bad. My flesh hates this. I want Luke at UNC like I don't even know what. But if God does not approve, then I have no choice. I need strength to make those decisions, though. I need God to give me a complete heart transformation. I need a revelation. And Luke does, too. It needs to be utterly mutual.
I am longing for Him. I don't even know who I am, but I'm longing for Him. I can't pull anyone else with me. I just want Him. This is hard. Yeah. Get over it. I have to make hard decisions for Him, I have to fight my flesh for Him, I have to repent for Him, and I have to speak up for Him. It can't be a ho-hum life; there just isn't time, simply put. Life is, as has been recently proven, too short. I realize, to some small extent, maybe as much as I can, that this may come at the cost of being completely alone.
Father, at least You will not forsake me.
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