An Irritating, Repeat Blog.

I have been at UNC for a month now. Isn't that crazy? It's getting easier and harder simultaneously, depending on how you look at it. Classes are fully underway, I'm making friends, doing homework, rushing and sleeping and lazing and reading like crazy... so much to do and yet sometimes I feel like I'm sitting around— am I living my life? I've been doing so much thinking lately about where I'm going and what I'm doing, who I'm doing it with and does any of it matter at all. This is NOT a pessimistic blog, so don't get that impression. It's thoughtful.

I think the biggest thing that's been rubbing me raw is God. Go figure, ha. Leaving high school and the security of my church was a bigger spiritual drop than I thought it would be. Of course, that is my own ignorance and pride coming to light yet again (you'd think I'd learn!). My last blog that I deleted was a lot like this one, and that worries me. I don't want to be chasing myself in circles but I can feel in my heart that I'm not moving forward. I'm stuck in a rut, but I can't quite define it. Or maybe I can, but I'm choosing to turn a blind eye towards it, because getting out requires so much more work than falling in. I'm going to a Bible study, but that cannot be my fill-up, because quite honestly, the past couple times just haven't cut it. Maybe I'm not involved enough— I'm not sure. Hebrew Bible still poses problems, of course, but now I realize that it's so much more than just defying the Bible's validity... It's defying my faith. It's causing me to look at the Word through the eyes of a nonchalant, indifferent student, who cannot feel it's breathe or find its power. I see it and I compare it to a poorly pieced-together textbook. It's the most awful thing I can describe, and I hate it. I hate that I've allowed myself to so quickly come to this point. The Bible has been my lifeline in so many countless situations in my past, and now I've let go of it so quickly, have I? No, no, no, it can't be. I'm now looking at my beliefs over the past few years of my life and finding that the roots have been, if not shallow, certainly not as deep as they need to be. All of the questions in the world will not bring me to Jesus. All of the ANSWERS in the world won't bring me to Jesus. I've had the knowledge, I've had the passion to learn, but have I had the capacity and the faith to love and trust Him? Two completely, completely different concepts; a war between the soul and the mind. I WANT to know Him intimately. The Bible will defend itself— the question is, will I accept it?

There are so many, many expectations that I see and I don't know if I can compete. The majority of them come out unconsciously, unintentionally, but I recognize them. The politics. The mission field. The clubs and organizations. Being in leadership positions. Getting the grade, but more importantly, getting the degree. Danielle is going into pharmacy and her to-do list makes me feel inadequate. So I double-major, find a minor, and hope that my life will amount to something useful. Then maybe I'll go live in some foreign country where everyone is dirt poor and teach English and Jesus to the children. And then I'll settle down and get married, have a couple kids, and call my life successful. I'll find a home church and volunteer in some ministries. I'll write for a political journal and travel and put my children in daycare, and be smart and economically-minded. I'll go to bed with this "blessed" life around me and wonder what I'm doing, just like I am right now.

Oh, scorn and sarcasm. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dear reader, whomever you may be, if you exist at all. It was the most gorgeous day today... that's meaningful, right? Sigh... identity crisis, much?