Inevitable.

Today is August 1st.

I've never had a day hit me so hard before. I used to love the beginning of August, because it was familiar. My birthday is this month. Normally, a familiar school year would be around the corner, filled with faces I've known for years and teachers who half-care and already recognize me. I would have it under control, ready to go, with no unsettling bumps or twists. But this year, of course, is different.

August 1st, 2009, is the epitome of change and chance. I move away from my home and, in a less literal sense, myself, in 22 days. A new chapter in my life opens— the overriding question is, am I ready? And perhaps more looming, does it matter whether I'm ready or not? Stepping away from childhood has always seemed so appealing. I've always been "mature" and "outgoing" and "ready." My dad tells me how I could have been held back a year before starting kindergarten because my birthday is so late in the summer, but how they knew that I had this whole ready-concept going on, and they put me in as the youngest kid in the class. And apparently I flourished from there. But this is a much bigger pond I'm swimming in now. It's not really a pond at all; it's more like an ocean, and I'm afraid of getting swallowed whole.

Sometimes I think I'm afraid to leave because I'll be away from those I love the most. My family, my friends, my church, my boyfriend, even my dog... none of them too close, and yet, none of them too far (excluding Amanda Boyle— Texas!). Sometimes I think I'm afraid to leave because I think I'll fail, whether socially, academically, or spiritually. Do I know how to organize and maintain each? Sometimes I think I'm afraid to leave because I fear conformity. I don't want to be one of the crowd, but how to walk with a new step when there are literally thousands of "me" walking in the same direction? Yet I know that even with all of these reasonings and possibilities to define my fear, none of them are the root. The real reason I am afraid is because I don't know what's going to happen. I don't have control over my future. I can't see past August 22nd, and therefore, I dread it. I really, really do.

That's not to say I'm already hating the thought of college life. I know it will be good, and I'm pretty positive that I'll love it once the ball gets rolling. Well, I'm roughly about 92.3% positive. And that's the majority, right? I just have to get over the initial shock. It's like swimming in a cold pool on a blisteringly hot summer day. If you slide yourself in little by little and let the icy water climb higher and high, you're going to lose your resolve and back out, because it's just so cold. The best thing to do is get on the high dive, take a couple good bounces, and then jump without a second thought. That way there's no going back. I guess, then, that I'm just looking for the courage to climb up the ladder to where the diving board is waiting for me, and ultimately, the water is waiting to embrace me. Unless, of course, it rejects me and I land flat on my face (belly-flop style) on a surface of ice... but on hot summer days that doesn't seem to happen very often.

"Do you remember when we were just kids

And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss?

Schoolyard conversations taken to heart,

And laughter too the place of everything we knew we were now.

I want to break every clock,

The hands of time would never move again,

We could stay in this moment

For the rest of our lives.

Is it over now, hey, is it over now?"

--Inevitable, Anberlin