I'm not good a the whole "following" concept. My dad always encouraged me to be the leader, to take charge, to be independent; and I love my dad and I trust him, so that's why I did. Now here I am, self-dependent and a bit suspicious, trying to learn dependency. You would think that learning to be dependent would be the easy part and being independent would be hard, but not in this case. Of course, clarity— I am not trying to be dependent on my family, my youth pastor, my friends, or my boyfriend— I am trying to learn to be dependent on God and to get off of my self-righteous horse. I can be mean and I can be uncaring. Have I been hypocritical? I'm sure I have been. Do I beat myself up over it? No. That is pointless, as is all self-inflicted shame.
Silence is not always a bad thing. Silence does not mean mistrust, doubt, anger, or most of all, hatred. Silence is a big sound and therefore has a bigger meaning than suspicion renders it. Sometimes I must be silent because I know if I open my mouth I will dig myself in a bigger hole; sometimes silence is only me trying to find wisdom, or peace, or the strength to give a kind and thoughtful response at some future point in time. [Oh, I love Ecclesiastes! 3:7 "A time to be silent and a time to speak."]
There are times when I go in circles and the world watches. There are probably people who are going to read this and know what circles I'm talking about, how I continually stumble and how I can be blind and unresponsive. Once you start running and the rhythm of the road kicks in, it's hard to stop and get back on to the unbeaten path. And sometimes we get so caught up in the crowd's reaction that we're not on any path, but wandering aimlessly, chasing voices that will never turn into anything and pulling stunts just to hear the jeering cat-calls in order to pull up some sort of sick satisfaction in our hearts. There may be bleachers on both sides of the track but there are no sides. No sides for choosing because each seat is predetermined and people will only sit where they're pointed to. Let them go.
Ooooh, I sound like a Calvinist.
If I were to rewind one year, back to April 20, 2008, and play the tape back again, I know what I would see. A giant wreckage and rebirth and death and flourishing of relationships. I thought about it today in the shower (oh, shower epiphanies... so weird and yet so enlightening). And I am not, am not, am not the same person and I don't know yet if that is good or bad or both, because I have allowed myself to be so influenced. I can no longer be walked over, thanks to some. I can no longer care until it breaks my heart, thanks to others. I can see how I have become callused in many ways, and how I have let down my guard in others. I have developed a cleverer, slightly more sarcastic sense of humor and yet I am letting myself be a child, too, before adulthood strikes. My dad always (and I mean at least once a day) says that you are a product of your own environment, and this has proven itself true. Not just for me, but I see it in others as well. Making it even more hard, coming full circle, to stop running in circles.
And of course, there is that time where you must walk away. They are never happy with you for it because it seems like you're running away, but you're not. You're stepping off the circle track and back onto the untrodden where you were meant to be all along. In silence there is room for God to speak and so there is once more protection and pain intertwined with its terrible and necessary beauty; there is the withdrawal but it leaves not uncaring apathy or a snub nose but a love that must protectively stand off to the side and let Him do His work and go follow its own way, looking neither to the left or the right, to either set of bleachers, but to the Father only. Here, the one who does not Know Him will never approve.
Luke 9:62 "But Jesus said to him, "No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.""
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