Polarity

So. 

It's been a while. Too long, in fact. We almost never talk. Well, I take that back. We talk, but it's not good. It's wishy-washy and I sometimes even fall asleep; sometimes I cry to you (which has been happening too much lately) but I'm having this listening problem. I think I fill up your ears and can't hear you talk over my own talking. It's a problem. 

So let's talk. 

I've been doing much thinking lately (surprise!) on what we feel is "fair" to us. It was probably spurred by the message a while back, but even afterwards there have been numerous things come up that have twisted my mind back to those points. Like, we have no rights. What are our rights to you? We have no sense of "fair". What is fair to you? And because we have no rights and are owed no fairness, who are we to judge, accuse others of judging, or force someone else to take sides? Who are we to choose which side we are on? We are chosen- we don't chose. 

This whole discipleship thing... well I understood that it was going to be hard but now I understand it's implications. A bad tree bears bad fruit, period, end of story. And when you said the world would have no interest in us (wasn't it Paul who said that because his interest in the world had died, it's interest in him had died, also?) I didn't realize that the "world" means our world. Our day-to-day life world. The term "world" is so relative. I think people don't understand quite what Paul was saying because they don't realize what "world" stands for. My world is my friends. My family. My goals and my dreams and my teachers and my peers. You're saying those things will despise me when I strive to live for you? Hm. I thought they loved me... wouldn't they want me to throw in the towel on this world and become yours alone? You said the son of man does not live on bread alone, but on the word of God. That means I should need nothing else but you. Wow... that's a revelation.... there's a light bulb over my head and I hear the hallelujah chorus. 

I'm going to start being very selfish in my relationship with you. You demand first place. And it's a tough thing to adhere to and I am sure there are going to be many, many failures on my behalf. But please, see my heart. Encourage me and strengthen me for you're glory, the sake of your name.... not for me. I want to point others to you. I don't want to cary them. I don't want to push them. I don't want to have to defend you because you are bigger than all of my defensiveness... you don't need me to stick up for you. You don't need me at all- but you love me. Tell me that's not life-changing in and of itself! 

Here's another idea that just popped into my mind. If I find myself in you, if I'm reborn in you, if I say you are in me, then my whole identity is in you. Which means that the only opinion I should care about is yours, and if I'm following your lead and someone else doesn't like it, they can deal. You're leading them, you're leading me... we're not leading each others. What you're doing in me is not what you're doing in someone else and visa versa. I can't see what you're doing in someone else's heart just as they can't see what you're doing in mine. Which brings me full circle back to judgement. IF we are so focused on you as we should be, we shouldn't be so concerned with how someone else sees us, because we know we are in you and you are in us. 

And one last thought. 

We were never meant to change through someone else's eyes. As in, it is not someone else's duty to tell us what we're doing wrong and how to fix ourselves, because they could very well be wrong. It would be the "blind leading the blind." How does someone else accept the responsibility of telling another how to get their act together? You're the only one in charge of changing people's hearts and attitudes. And praise be to you for that! I have seen myself screw things up too many times trying to help someone that you are trying to work on all along. I have messed things up in my own life by thinking that another human being could help me! It never works- we were born to fail in order to prove our deep need of you in our lives. 

Lord, the one thing I have learned is that mine and yours relationship is a day-to-day thing. I have to work these things out every day. It's not a checklist. That's the hard part. 

I love you. Let's talk more often.