Everyone has moments, days, and years that stand monumentally in their past, that stretch their shadows far, far forward, even onto the future that hasn't arrived yet. Times that define us, mold us, and break us; times that fit together another piece of the puzzle and times that blow over our whole house of cards in one breath. They are beautiful things, they are tragedies, they are choice-driven, they are ordained; and my oh my, they deserve reflection.
New Year's, 2008: I was enjoying Winterfest at Liberty University, Virginia. The music was so loud it hurt my ears, we were screaming and hugging, and my shoulders hurt so bad from head-banging improperly that I couldn't rotate my neck more that ten degrees to the right or left. If you would have taken a snapshot you would have seen me, surrounded with church friends like Ashlin and Amanda and Mitch, probably with our mouths wide open holding paper noisemakers, as bright confetti swirled everywhere and lights flashing with a dizzying intensity. And I had no idea.
February-March: Mental nightmare to the extreme. Between three AP classes, and church along with its activities and connect groups, working at least four days a week, and striving for a social life, I was drowning in my own desperate race. Throughout high school, these two months have always imposed precarious and similar predicaments, but this was the worst yet. I wasn't being fed and had no strength to run off of.
April: Exams and stress. Mucho.
May: I left and was almost destroyed. It is something I have struggled with, fought over, cried through, hated, and missed desperately, all in one— a package deal. I cannot describe with words the agony and simultaneous relief that flooded me from here on out, through the summer and lingering slightly even now. And "we"... you and I, my good friend... we ceased. I believe that hurt even worse than everything else, and it plagued me. It gave me nightmares for months.
June: Little by little, I took a deep breath and let You do Your work. I opened my hands and simply learned what it was to exist, and do it with You. On the other hand, I isolated myself. I brutally hacked off each vine that connected me until they lay shriveled up, and I couldn't get hurt any more. This month was hard, but I found opportunity and a tendril was extended to me, with understanding, wisdom, and acceptance. It was not a saving grace, by any means, but I believe it was a foundational brick in my new relationship with You.
July: I got into the Word. Hallelujah. This was the summer that I asked questions and got my answers and I thank God for every minute of it. I heard You and I ran in Your direction because I had nothing left to lose— everything I thought I had know had fallen away; I believe it was just in time for You to start building. This is when I began to grown noticeably, and it was a joyful time amidst my lingering loneliness.
August: I turned seventeen and began my senior year, apprehensive but different. I say, not out of pride but out of hope, that I was cautious because of new-found humility.
September-October: I struggled to get into the routine rhythm of school, but continued to dig spiritually. And I found in my angry, sinful little heart a resentment towards you, my friend, that had been momentarily calmed over July and August but sprang up again once I faced you every day. I couldn't look at you. It shames me to say it now, oh— shame. I constantly had to take you to God, over and over, and ask for forgiveness and peace, and eventually, love and healing. On the positive side, I discovered Rachel. Yay, my friend who is actually Spanish at heart. You are amazing and you helped when you didn't even know you were doing it. Thank you.
November: Saturate. Oh. My. Word. Glory to God in the highest. This was my first true mountain-top experience, with the Holy Spirit showing up in a powerful way. I think it was here that I began to learn and know my Father intimately. Everything— the fall, the tear-down, the rebuild, the questions, the answers, the struggle— seemed to be pivotal on my preparedness for this. It was huge. In this month, God gave me a glimpse of just how deep a relationship with Him could go. Praise God.
December: The struggle continues to put Him first daily, to continue growing, reading, sharing, fellowshipping. I have so much farther to go and so much more to learn. It's exciting and discouraging all at the same time, haha. This month, I shared with the youth and gave a small message. I struggled with relationships and dried out my tear ducts. I also laughed abundantly and gave reckless hugs and talked into the wee hours of the morning and had a beautiful Christmas with my family. Mmmm.
And in all of this (which doesn't even cover a particle of everything that really happened), I think I have found that I can call this year, so far, the most challenging, emotional, and fertile year in my life. I have met people this year that I have come to love so much that it's almost scary, who's advice is timely and honest, who stick with me when I'm a "bum-jerk", who have shaped me and rubbed me smoother. I've got a long ways to go, oh yes, but they were a God-send. And I keep those who I am not so fortunate to see and talk to as often very close to my heart, despite everything— I keep a hope in the future.
Thank you Jesus!— it is almost 2009.
