Dear Jesus,

I am an idiot.

I hate who I've become.

If you can forgive me of anything, can you forgive me of this hypocrisy?

I feel so dirty.

I am so dirty.

Soap and water can only do so much.

Why Don’t You Do Something? (Revelations from the book of James)

“So you see, we are shown to be right with God by what we do, not by faith alone.” (James 2:24)

I have often wondered what it would be like to have the answers to everything. To know exactly how to have the perfect relationship with God, with my friends, with my family— what would it take? Because the standard is perfection, and we are called to be pure and holy, just like our righteous God. For a long time, I thought that having enough faith was always the right answer, and it would be enough to right any situation; if I believed hard enough, and “trusted” God enough, my own desires would be fulfilled and I would be able to get through anything. All I needed was a little bit of faith, right? And plus, wouldn’t God be pleased with me if I just trusted Him to make everything perfect?

While this seemed good in theory, it proved to be completely untrue. God does not want us to idly sit twiddling our thumbs while our mouths do all of the work. We cry out to Him when things don’t go our way, and yet we sit in the puddle of our own self-despair and wait for Him to clean up our mess. What sort of character does this produce? We demand answers from Him, and explanations for all of our circumstances, and say, “I believe in You! I believe You can fix this!”

Well, great! You believe! “Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror.” (James 2:19b)

The standard, like I said, is perfection. The way this is achieved is not through the stagnation of our faith, but through it’s active perseverance, as produced by all sorts of trial and hardship. “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” (James 1:2-4)

Endurance. As far as I’m concerned, that comes from the verb “endure”, which implicitly implies action. Actively praying, actively working, actively seeking, and actively living. The circumstances in which you find yourself will not change through simply “having enough faith”. I’m not saying that faith in and of itself can’t move mountains, because of course, it can. Matthew 17:20, “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

However, we are called to pair works and faith together, and through trusting God and carrying out His will, we will find our circumstances changing. So, what do we do, then?

“But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.” James 1:22

Ground Zero.

I feel numb. I guess it's to be expected, really, after and still in the midst of an intense round of emotions.

I've been waiting. Waiting for you to wake up and realize that I'm worth it. I'm worth getting up before 2 PM so that you can spend the day with me, I'm worth calling and texting to let me know that you care enough to respond, I'm worth reading the Bible with, striving towards God together with, and waiting, truly waiting, with. You see, I can handle "the wait." The big one, the one that would take years and get us through college. I can do that. What I can't wait for is you to change, because you won't. I can't wait for you to tell me what's going on. Because while you feel like I'm dragging you on, I simultaneously feel like you're dragging me on. I'm not questioning your affections, nor your emotions, nor your intentions, but I am questioning your actions and your priorities.

I understand that your family comes first. I understand even more that God comes first. But I don't feel like I'm important to you. I don't feel like you think I'm worth the effort; you can tell me I am all day long, and write the most beautiful letters that break my heart as I read them, and you can tell me that you'll call me at 8:30 every night.... but I need you to prove it to me. I need the proof, babe. You were upset that I left on Saturday night, and said that you hadn't had enough time with me, but who had the power to change that? You told me yourself that you got up late and did nothing all day, while I waited for you to call, which you did not. I got a text, and then an "I'll call you after I get out of the shower", which somehow took an hour and then I get the call, saying "Okay, you can come now." You could have had all day. I needed you all day. I wanted you all day. I waited for you all day. Story of a good chunk of our relationship, lately.

And as mad as it makes me at myself, I'm still waiting for you. Waiting, hoping, that you'll realize that this is something to fight for. To wake up for. But I know you, Luke, I know you just as well as you know me, and in that knowledge I know that you won't, to my despair and grief, fight for me. To think, to realize, that to you it's just not worth the effort, breaks my heart more than not being with you breaks it. I would do absolutely anything in the world for you, and to feel like it's not reciprocated tears me to pieces over and over, and I just don't know if I can deal with it. Yet here I am, still hoping that you'll surprise me.

I need someone who needs me. I don't give myself up easily, and when I do, I want them to understand just how important that is, just how precious that is, and do the same for me. I will go out of my way and be inconvenient for the people that I love. I push back times, I call things off, I tell other plans to wait, because I WANT to see you, because I NEED to see you, because, simply put, I love you. And I think you're worth more than anything in the world. YOU are my priority, because if I truly believe that you are my half, my future husband, my leader and my fighter and my knight in freaking shining armor, then you need to take priority in my life. And I put you there— I really did. I called it into question, though, the moment I saw that it may no longer be mutual. That moment, that second, was the one that I truly broke. When things were no longer mutual, baby, I was so... broken.

I want it to be you so badly. So badly that I want to erase everything I've thought about and start over. But I just don't know if it can work that way, because then it will still be me, trying, and waiting for a response. There are so many things about you that are so, so, good. Things that I love and appreciate, things that you have that no one else has, things that I desperately miss already, now and every time I've had to be away from you. I'm not saying this to compensate for the previous paragraphs. I'm saying this to be honest. I still want you, and I still am praying to God that things will somehow work out and that we can still be together. I am holding on, just as you've asked. But when do I have to let go? What if you never come back and say "let's try again" or something to that effect? I don't know. And this... break, or whatever you call it... I don't even know what it is because it's not like we set a limit. I don't know what you're thinking, or how you're feeling. I don't know what you want.

I want you, Joseph Luke Coats. I love you. I don't know how to let you go. I wrote this because you deserve an explanation. After this, I'll leave you alone. If you want to talk to me, please rest assured, I will be more than happy. In fact, I'll be ecstatic. I can't tell you what to do, or who to be, or whatever. But I do love you. And maybe I'll see you at Ethnos. I'm praying for you.

All my love,

Kristina Lorraine.