Options.

I. Can't. Take. This.

Maybe it's because I'm drinking a Starbucks doubleshot energy drink and my caffeine intake is skyrocketing. But this started before I even began drinking anything, when I was in the car with just my mother and we started talking about life. Again. In particular, my life. My future, and the three different ways in which it could possibly progress. Yikes.

I want to know what I'm doing. I want to have a plan! I want to be able to sit down with my mental calculator and figure in all of my options, divide all of the consequences, add in the assets and subtract the liabilities, and somehow evenly and logically equate what I should do with my life. Then, I'd like to work the problem backwards, so that I could see through hindsight the exact steps that I need to take and the choices I need to make to get there. If I knew what I needed to get done, I could plan! I could have steps! I could evenly and logically and meticulously get things done in a timely, rational manner. BUT. I. CAN'T. It drives me up the wall. "Where do you want me, where do you need me the most?" I have had that song in my head for well over a month, now. It's plaguing me. I'd even say it's haunting me. When I sleep, I hear it, when I wake up, I hear it, when I'm tired or frustrated or even happy and preoccupied I hear it. Where do YOU, Father, want me?

All of my so-called "wants" contradict each other. There are three things that I want, three ways that my life could go and none of them seem to align, and I'm so freaking selfish that I couldn't imagine losing any of them for the other.

Option 1.

I want to be on the mission field. And if not the mission field, I want to be doing something that involves telling people about Jesus and being His hands and feet. I want people to intimately know Him, I want to lead them to the cross– I can't make them believe and I can't force them to accept, but I can point them to Him and I can be His hands and feet. I can help them find jobs, I can help them build homes, I can make them food, I can teach them, I can do something. I want people to know Jesus. I want to be able to stand before my Father on the day of judgement and say, "Jesus! I followed You. I did as You commanded and worked to make disciples of all nations. I was kind to the poor and helped the needy. I loved You, I knew You, I was faithful." God is the Best thing there ever was, He is my all, He is my everything. Jesus commands us to lay down our lives for Him and I truly want nothing else but for Him to be glorified in my life. My measly life. My education, my family, my own desires... none of these things compare to Jesus. HE says, "If anyone loves his mother or brother more than Me, he is not worthy of Me..." Jesus, I want to be worthy of you. Please... where do You want me?

Option 2.

I want to pursue a career. And not just any career— I want to pursue an amazing career that takes me all over the world, that let's me get my hands dirty, that challenges me and allows me to support myself and maybe, one day, my family. I want a career that blows everyone away, including myself. I want a career that utilizes my talents and my creativity and my drive, that I can take and tell myself that this is what I was working for, that I can finally feel accomplished and successful. I want to be a journalist and travel and talk to people and get the inside scoop, and write for a magazine or journal or newspaper. Maybe I'd take my own pictures and be a photojournalist on the side. I want to be fluent in Spanish and travel to South America to talk to the people there and get in on their political system, get into their culture, live like them and work with them to better their country and their lives. I want to go to Israel and Palestine (which no longer exists) and learn about their struggles, their wars, and bring the news to America and educate people and make them care about things outside of the safety of this country. I want to be an editor and work with correcting things before they hit the press, because I'm good at it and it feels good to correct things and know that what I'm doing is exactly right. I want to get involved in politics and fight for what I know is truth and argue with the people who are taking our country to crap and help the common man find his voice. I want to shape the future of our country and I want to make things fair, I want to help people, I want to represent them and influence laws and help immigrants get an education...

Option 3.

I want to get married. I want to be with the love of my life and do the normal things that people do— fall in love, get married, have an apartment those first couple years and struggle through college, have kids eventually, etc. I want to go transfer to UNCG and forget about everything else and have the normal college experience and be with Luke. I want to take normal classes, major in English and be a small-time editor or teacher, and take things one step at a time. We'd get married and enjoy things that happen every day, comfortable and normal and simple. There would be absolutely nothing wrong with that— people do it all the time. It sounds pleasant. It sounds good. I want that, too... a lot. To be able to genuinely enjoy college, to be able to call Luke up and say, "Hey, do you wanna catch lunch really quick before class?", to be able to fit in somewhere and not feel like I'm trying to compete to make myself heard.

I want each of these so badly. And the thing is, depending on the situation, I can see each of them play out so perfectly and at the moment, I feel like each one of them is right. Like when I'm listening to Pastor talk about not being comfortable, I know I want the mission field. When I'm reading the newspaper and talking to the educated people that surround me at UNC, I know that I want to pursue a great degree and career. And when I'm with Luke and we're talking about the future and just enjoying life in general, I know that I want to transfer and be normal and get married. I can't compromise any of these things. None of them nicely and evenly fit together, and somehow, at some point, I have to decide what I want the most. Right? I don't even know that much. This is just what I'm facing at the moment and it's driving me up the wall, crazy. I ignore it on a daily basis because it's just too much to deal with, and if I look at the whole picture I get overwhelmed and frustrated. It does me no good to worry about it today, yet I feel like if I think about it now, if I can just make a decision sooner, I'll be okay, and it'll be like a burden off of my shoulders. In my mind, it's like having a big paper that isn't due for another couple months. I could put it off until it's absolutely necessary, or I could start preplanning it now. I could be working on my rough draft, or writing down ideas, or something. Then I'd feel better, know that I'm working towards a goal. So while I don't want to think about these three things every day, it's like it's necessary.

I really wish that God would flash a sign. I know He won't, and I know why He won't, but still... I wish He would. I wish that I didn't wish this, ha. Father, Father, Father... where do You want me? Where do You need me the most?

The shower of the year should shine tonight

Amidst the galaxy of others burning bright,

Sirius, and the glowing Venus, too,

A blazing Mars, all entwined in view,

The wick of candle light,

A shower on the ever-darkening night.

However, not a single one I see,

This meteor cried wolf completely,

At least, the time in which I stood

Revealed not one, as wish I would,

No sprinkle dust to be

Us waiting revelers agree.

From balcony a waiting crowd has stood

The sky tonight, produce it should,

Orion will flash its lustrous sheen

Remnants from Haley, so it seems,

But one o'clock reveals no good

Though it wish't, it never could.

A fair shot from the truth, I think,

Meteor showers falling as a drink

From Milky Way, this love

Of falling, from the imminence above,

Yes, pretty lights distinct,

Yet reason offers forty winks.

So back to bed I slowly carry on

Whilst others wait, hoping the dawn

Produces what so far hasn't shown

It's face, at least, from what I know,

But sleep will make dreams long

As the stars continue singing nature's song.

All The World Is Waiting

Tonight, there is a premier symphony in Memorial Hall. It's called "Of Angels and Neurons"— the guy who composed it came and talked to my Great Musical Works class yesterday. He's been nominated for Grammy's and whatnot. I think it's so cool how famous people will come and talk to our classes here... I've met and talked to a symphony composer! It's like a modern-day Beethoven experience!... Okay, maybe not that great, but you get the point. It's sort of cool.

Oddly, I enjoyed the rain today. It seems like it's always raining here, and usually it's sort of irritating, but today I like it. It was cold and the wind stung my face and my nose turned red, and the rain was fat and chilly. I should be in England, but this is close enough. Stranded on bricks that are so crooked that it's like walking in one long, continuous string of puddles, needing rain boots, tilting my umbrella back and spinning it nonchalantly, pretending I'm a younger, classier version of Mary Poppins. Yes, I am a nerd.

I am somewhat looking forward to the weekend. I'll be here, in Chapel Hill. Danielle goes home every weekend and that makes it harder because I'm here alone in the dorm room, but this weekend I am intentionally going to look for things to do. I'll go back to Grace Church on Sunday morning. Maybe I'll get in touch with some of the girls from my small group on Saturday or find a game to go to. There's an event called Late Night with Roy on Friday where the basketball players put on a little show, so I may go to that. It's not very late (6-9) but it's better than sitting on my computer. And then next week is fall break. Hallelujah. Hopefully I'll go to the fair, too. I have a few doctor's appointments, but they shouldn't take too long.

I can do this. For the Son.