Another week of college.

More and more I watch the prophesy come into play. Not that I'm looking for it or thinking about it every day— it just sort of manifests itself and I realize it as it happens.

Dear Father,

I think this has been a long time coming. Between me and You. I am going to follow You even when You don't answer me. Even when it feels like You're not there, even when I'm blind to what You're doing, even when it seems like You're not doing anything at all. I will obey and follow Your divine will when everything is going wrong and when I can't feel Your presence. The test of true faith. The enemy knows my weaknesses and he plays off of them; he is smart, but Lord, You are faithful. I will rest knowing that I have no knowledge, and whether You want to share the answers with me or not is up to Your disclosure, because You are God and I am not. I will be content with You. I will be content with Your Word, which is unchanging and unfailing.

Father, I pray that You would set the world on fire. Set me on fire. It doesn't have to wreak havoc, Lord, so long as it is undying and unwavering. May my life be a pleasing aroma to you, Abba; cleanse me before You, that I may raise clean hands with a pure heart. Open my eyes, God, show me what I must improve, what I must change, what I must kill and what I must grow. I trust You. Lord, give me the faith of a martyred woman. God, if I had to die for you... give me that sort of faith, that is unselfish and strong and true.

Fresh Pair of Eyes

I love this song. The lyrics don't even start until 1:30. Perfect.

An Irritating, Repeat Blog.

I have been at UNC for a month now. Isn't that crazy? It's getting easier and harder simultaneously, depending on how you look at it. Classes are fully underway, I'm making friends, doing homework, rushing and sleeping and lazing and reading like crazy... so much to do and yet sometimes I feel like I'm sitting around— am I living my life? I've been doing so much thinking lately about where I'm going and what I'm doing, who I'm doing it with and does any of it matter at all. This is NOT a pessimistic blog, so don't get that impression. It's thoughtful.

I think the biggest thing that's been rubbing me raw is God. Go figure, ha. Leaving high school and the security of my church was a bigger spiritual drop than I thought it would be. Of course, that is my own ignorance and pride coming to light yet again (you'd think I'd learn!). My last blog that I deleted was a lot like this one, and that worries me. I don't want to be chasing myself in circles but I can feel in my heart that I'm not moving forward. I'm stuck in a rut, but I can't quite define it. Or maybe I can, but I'm choosing to turn a blind eye towards it, because getting out requires so much more work than falling in. I'm going to a Bible study, but that cannot be my fill-up, because quite honestly, the past couple times just haven't cut it. Maybe I'm not involved enough— I'm not sure. Hebrew Bible still poses problems, of course, but now I realize that it's so much more than just defying the Bible's validity... It's defying my faith. It's causing me to look at the Word through the eyes of a nonchalant, indifferent student, who cannot feel it's breathe or find its power. I see it and I compare it to a poorly pieced-together textbook. It's the most awful thing I can describe, and I hate it. I hate that I've allowed myself to so quickly come to this point. The Bible has been my lifeline in so many countless situations in my past, and now I've let go of it so quickly, have I? No, no, no, it can't be. I'm now looking at my beliefs over the past few years of my life and finding that the roots have been, if not shallow, certainly not as deep as they need to be. All of the questions in the world will not bring me to Jesus. All of the ANSWERS in the world won't bring me to Jesus. I've had the knowledge, I've had the passion to learn, but have I had the capacity and the faith to love and trust Him? Two completely, completely different concepts; a war between the soul and the mind. I WANT to know Him intimately. The Bible will defend itself— the question is, will I accept it?

There are so many, many expectations that I see and I don't know if I can compete. The majority of them come out unconsciously, unintentionally, but I recognize them. The politics. The mission field. The clubs and organizations. Being in leadership positions. Getting the grade, but more importantly, getting the degree. Danielle is going into pharmacy and her to-do list makes me feel inadequate. So I double-major, find a minor, and hope that my life will amount to something useful. Then maybe I'll go live in some foreign country where everyone is dirt poor and teach English and Jesus to the children. And then I'll settle down and get married, have a couple kids, and call my life successful. I'll find a home church and volunteer in some ministries. I'll write for a political journal and travel and put my children in daycare, and be smart and economically-minded. I'll go to bed with this "blessed" life around me and wonder what I'm doing, just like I am right now.

Oh, scorn and sarcasm. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dear reader, whomever you may be, if you exist at all. It was the most gorgeous day today... that's meaningful, right? Sigh... identity crisis, much?