The sky looks like an old photograph. Colorless in some places, and sun-kissed in others. The air is sticky and warm and smells like the earth and thunder. The clouds light up in the distance and the wind is slow and smooth. I can see forked lines of brilliance flashing far away against a charcoal canopy, and as I glance to the right I can see a reflection of a day-old sun on the low, puffy gray sheep. It is so quiet, outside of the storms rumble. It's like hunger, that sound. Hunger and desire, tormented and angry; unsatisfied. The lighting is so strange that it's almost surreal. Black, black, gray, ocean, dust, rose, pale pink, and finally, periwinkle. With hints of cream and cotton candy stuck here and there, delicious and so contrasting. I love post-summer storm evenings.
I told my dad earlier today that my view of God is changing again. When he asked me what I meant, I didn't know exactly how to respond. It used to be that I saw God as a sort of "shape-shifter"; he was whatever I needed Him to be at the time. For example, if I was lost, He was my Comfort. If I was happy, He was my friend. If I was sinful, He was the disappointed Father. It was so difficult for me to comprehend God because my finite mind could only see Him in a solitary light. And yet, like the beautifully complex sky above me, so soon after the rain, I find that He is so much more than I deem him to be. I cannot comprehend such and I do not claim to understand, but now as I face adulthood and choices that will affect the entirety of my future, I begin to understand that God really is the infinite, unimaginable, and intricate Being I've always heard of. I cannot question Him; I cannot doubt Him; I cannot mistrust Him; I cannot disprove Him; I cannot think Him to be singular; I cannot wrap Him up to something simple and explainable.
When I close my eyes and picture Him to be near, He is not treating me as a 5-year old. Now, that is not to say that I think I am too old to be His child or that I think He does not view me as his daughter. But as I get older, I see Him revealing things to me that I could not take before. Some of them are burdens, but some of them are joys. All of these things that I have been thinking lately and experiencing... I wondered, at first, the classic question: why? But as I get older, I begin to believe more and more that He is watching me grow up, walking next to me, and preparing me for adulthood by putting me in situations that require a decision, not that I may make it on my own but that I may understand my intense need of Him, if I would so wish to have a smooth transition into the future. Does that make sense? My relationship with God is "growing up" as I am growing up; though He never changes, I feel as though things between us are getting older, too.
On the reverse side, it's harder to cling to the "faith of a child." College is going to kick my butt. Spiritually, socially, mentally, and as a result, physically. I have recognized a sudden urgency to be near Him, and it saddens me to think it has not always been so but is especially fierce as I gaze into the upcoming year. I have battles to face, friends to make, relationships to maintain, pupils to teach, opportunities to consider... so many things that I cannot, will not face without the Father. I have ties that I can either cut or tie tighter. I have restrictions that I can either embrace or rebel against. I will walk the line, and I know it. I just pray that I don't fall off of this tightrope.
"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight
Of His wind and mercy.
And all of a sudden I am unaware
Of these afflictions, eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me..."
--"How He Loves Us" John Mark McMillan
