Firefly.

Dear God,

I don’t know what to say. I should be praying for the people in Africa right now who have AIDS. I should be praying for the Christians in Iran and Sudan who are being persecuted. I should be praying for the homeless, the starving, the abused, the lost, the mistreated… but I’m not. Instead, I’m focusing on my own self and my own “issues” as if they were the most important things. But the truth is, they’re not. In reality, what is going on with me in my life isn’t all that significant. It’s certainly not what you want to hear about…is it? I guess I’m confused on who you are. Oswald Chambers is yelling about how we shouldn’t be praying to you about ourselves because we should know you intimately enough to not have to. How do I achieve this? It seems impossible! Not only that, but we’ve been preached at repetitively that we are free to tell you all of our fears, our troubles, our joys, our weaknesses, and so on. But here is this other theory that, in our selfishness, we should drop such things in our prayer life (if we are really “sanctified”) and pray only for others and concern ourselves solely in prayer for the saints elsewhere. Which I’m not saying I disagree with; I completely agree! However, I’ve come to the point where I don’t even want to share personal things with you or talk to you about them because I feel guilty for bringing them up. I don’t want them to consume my prayer life, obviously, but are they even worth talking about at all? Will you roll your eyes at me and wish I were praying for the Scandinavians who are killing your priests or the alcoholic neighbor down the street? Father, I long to be intimate with you but it is so hard. You say yourself that the road is narrow and few ever find it; God, I need your help. Am I even free to ask for such help, or is it only serving to set me back in my Christian walk and prove my immaturity? This tear within me on how to pray irks me and makes me want to not pray for anything, because everything I pray always feels wrong! I don’t even want to continue writing out this prayer because I feel guilty for complaining. I feel bad for even writing anything already. Father, who ARE you? My view of you seems so jaded; it’s like I can’t see you as a merciful friend and daddy and a holy, jealous God all at the same time. If I pray to you like my best friend, I feel like I’m not giving you enough glory or remembering your holiness. If I pray to you like a king, I’m stiff and my words feel fake and afraid. I cannot find middle ground and it’s making my relationship with you suffer immensely. I am reading my Bible but I am not praying because, honestly, reading what you have to say is much easier than trying to talk to you. Isn’t that horrible? I know it is. I just don’t know how to change it because I don’t know your character enough to feel comfortable around you. And then, oh, the sick word— comfort. “Be comfortable around God, He loves you!” “Don’t ever get too comfortable; this signifies stagnation!” “Do whatever makes you comfortable!” I hate that word. It’s so mushy and ill-defined and ugh.

For a while I was doing really well. In my times of adversity it’s like I knew you like the back of my hand. But once the trial ends, once the pressure backs off, I get antsy. I know it’s downright foolish to wish for hardships, but Lord, if it will get me back to you and knowing you, please, bring on the suffering! I will go through any storm, any temptation, any struggle, if only it would bring me back to the right relationship with you. Yes, Father, whatever it takes. Cut away in me the hindrances that push you away. Put salve to my eyes, please, and help me to see. What must I do? What work must I accomplish? Or do I simply need to “be still” and know that you are God? I don’t even know anymore. It scares me to death because here I am, going into college, feeling like I’m walking through the desert.

I still haven’t prayed for a single person other than myself. I am selfish. God, teach me to pray. Teach me to not have to pray about myself, if that’s what You desire. Father, just… I don’t even know. Help.

Over-Thinking--- Relient K

i was thinking
over thinking
cause there's just too many scenarios
to analayze
look in my eyes
cause you're my dream please come true

i was thinking
over thinking
about exactly how i'm not exactly him
i'll break my heart in two
more times than you could ever do
cause you're my dream please come true

cause i think way too much
on a one track mind
and you're so out of touch
cause i'm so far behind

i can't deny this anymore, the facts ignored all done before
and if there's one in this world,
you let me know you're not that girl

i was sinking
lower, sinking
cause i lost the things i held on to
they let me think a thought
a thought that i would know was not
of seeing my dream come true

i was thinking
over thinking
about how far i had let this go
one more guy/girl cliché
i know now you're just in the way
of me and my dream come true

cause i think way too much
on a one track mind
and you're so out of touch
cause i'm so far behind
i'm trying to make sense
out of all of this
while your fading scent
just slips through my grip

i can't deny this anymore, the facts ignored all done before
and if there's one in this world,
you let me know you're not that girl

don't touch the positive with the negative end
don't touch the positive with the negative end
cause after all of the sparks you're still alone in the dark
cause after all of the sparks you're left alone in the dark

and while i'm able, i think i'll label
experience with you as a mistake
and while i'm at it, i'll say i've had it
experience with you is a mistake

cause i think way too much
on a one track mind
and you're so out of touch
cause i'm so far behind
i'm trying to make sense
out of all of this
while your fading scent
just slips through my grip

i was thinking
over thinking
cause there's just too many scenarios
to think about
to figure out
if you're my dream please come true

A Post Written Because of my Boredom.

I've started the long process of writing my graduation thank-you cards. I'm pretty much done with my family's cards, and now I'm going to list out all of the friends so I can begin theirs! As much as I love to write, cards are tedious things. Necessary and heart-felt, but tedious.

My favorite track on the RK album is "Curl Up and Die". And yes, it sounds morbid, but it's really not; it's quite a beautiful song. Three more days until the concert!

I'm reading Jeremiah. I feel like I connect with him on so many different levels. Half of the time when he's speaking it's like, wow, he's taking these words out of my mouth. And other times, when the Lord is replying to him, I feel like He's speaking directly to me, telling me what he wants of me and how to best deal with it. My sword is pretty sharp, but I do not know how to use it. I cut people to pieces without thinking about whether or not the time is right, you know? I guess it's double edged— when I use it poorly and hurt others, I end up hurting myself. And shaming the Father. Yikes. When I go to college, I hope I know how to use it properly. Actually, I'm more afraid of it becoming dulled and useless. There's nothing more worthless than a dulled knife.

The end.

wooooooooooo.

End?

Nah.

Bored much? Ha, yeah.

That New Paper Smell

My brother and I went to Barnes and Noble today. I got a new journal! I'm so, so excited— you have to understand, for me to buy a [nice] new journal is like an artist getting a new easel, or a track star getting a sweet new pair of running shoes, or a musician getting a new kazoo. I have a book called "How to Kazoo", by the way. I know how to make a loon and donkey call in case they ever come in handy. But anyways, the journal is fantastic. It's made of nubuck leather, hand-crafted in Tuscany, Italy, and it's coloring will naturally change over time, so it will look older because, well, it IS! I love journals. I love the way they smeeellllll. So papery and feathery and leathery, just waiting to be written in, recorded in, and then read, generations later. So much better than typing away on a blog!! But, dear readers, don't fret— I understand the importance of saving on the computer as well and will not be stopping blogging any time soon. It's just that writing on genuine paper with a good pen and sturdy leather binding is so much more romantic and inspiring! It's been done for years and years and here I am, continuing the tradition, putting endless thoughts down to be found or forever hidden away. Yay!

More good news— I finally bought the Relient K cd "The Birds and the Bee Sides"! Of course, upon purchasing it and carefully and enjoyably listening to each track, I am forcefully reminded of why I've always loved RK. They have AH-mazing lyrics and they mix it up so much; how could you not love them? I could take this album alone and make my life story out of their songs. If I could use all of their albums [OH MAN] I would never have to verbally explain myself to anyone ever again. I'd just smile and hand them a CD and say, "Here, listen to these tracks and you'll know me perfectly, along with every mistake I've ever made!" Bahaha.

Final good news— I love being busy! This week is busy on purpose though; I'm trying to forget that two of my favorite people are very, very far away and I can't contact either of them! So if I'm busy I don't think about it. This busyness entails work, orthodontist appointments, Bible studies, hanging out with Dell, helping Amanda with her yard sale, going to the mall with the bro, and anything else that will hopefully come up before now and Sunday. I don't like having free time. It drives me crazy.

Three more days!