"I wonder sometimes about the outcome..."

Am I living it right? Don't believe me when I say I've got it down.

Oh man. So life is crazy and sweet and difficult and I'm watching it unfold in a zillion different ways, at least a trillion of them unexpected. But unexpected things are surprisingly beautiful most of the time, as has been proven again and again.

Tonight I took my mom out for Mother's Day. I was on plan G when it came down to it (nothing seems to go as planned) but it turned out so well that I really can't complain. We went to the Cleveland Draft House and I gave her the card I had bought and the letter I had written to her. I told her she would laugh at the card and cry at the letter, and she did. The card was funny because it was all in spanish and I had to translate it for her (it was spanish because I call her madre and, well, I knew she would understand me getting her a Mother's Day card in a different language). It was a really nice card, actually; if a hispanohablante had actually bought the card it would have been quite sentimental. I guess it still was after my translation, who knows. The letter... it was sincere.

We were waited on by a guy I know from school, Chris, and I was so pleasantly surprised by his actions and how nice of a waiter he was. You have to know Chris and our past relationship to understand what I mean, but at the end of the meal he dropped the tab and said "You got water." I didn't understand what he meant until I looked at the receipt and realized he hadn't charged us for drinks. I left him a good tip, not because he didn't charge but because I appreciated his kindness of association (at the restaurants expense, but that's not the point) and because I always love it when he surprises my by being the good guy. As we left he laughed when I thanked him and said, "Yeah, you were always the nice girl. Drive safe." For some reason, it meant a lot.

After this we went to Benson park and took pictures in the gazebo. It was so nice; perfect weather with a pretty little sunset, dappled clouds and lots of games being played in the distance. Talking to my mom reminds me just how blessed I am, how fast life is coming, and how much I'm going to miss these little moments that I so often take for granted. We left and went to Dairy Queen (raspberry truffle blizzards are amazing) and then came back home. It was good and I feel like this year (the last Mother's Day of my childhood) I really showed her how much I love and appreciate her. I think she had a pretty good time.

For some reason, maybe just because it was Mother's Day and I worked with the kids at church this morning, I've been thinking about what it will be like to be a mom and have a child. We're going over having kids in psychology and I have to do a project on my life from prenatal birth to now and I think that adds to my thought life. What will it be like to be pregnant? To place my hands on my tummy and feel the little kick and know that there's life inside me, a little miracle all in itself, that's going to look a little like me and that is going to rely on me to stay alive for the first few years and... I don't know. Is it normal to think about it? A little blue-eyed baby with brown hair and a pug nose that will be my responsibility, that I'll love more than life itself as I pray to God that I do things right. And I'll be picking out names like Theodore or Savannah or Georgia or Landon or whatever, preparing the new room and preparing my heart to be completely unselfish and sacrificial... wow. It's a pretty amazing thought. Non-retractable.

NO, I am not planning on having children any time soon, I don't want one even in the near-distant future, please don't think I'm desiring pregnancy. It was just the thought of the day.

Anyways, this week is another hectic one. Tuesday is AP Environmental test, make-up Spanish exam right after school, and Luke's house to celebrate his sister's birthday. Wednesday is school and my planned surprise (!), Thursday is Ashton's play, Friday and Saturday are at the beach with the senior members of the Underground for a graduation retreat, Sunday is church and going to UNC to get my laptop and working on psych/APES projects, and Monday starts it all over again with the end of the school year, my high school career, staring me in the face. And then a glorious, but short, summer full of sun and then... hello Chapel Hill. Hello, rest of my life...

Something Worth Fighting For.

"Love is not a place To come and go as we please It's a house we enter in, and then commit To never leave." That's pretty strong. And it's also incredibly true. This song, by Warren Barfield, randomly came to mind today— or perhaps not so randomly?— and the verse really made me start to think. I have told people I love them all my life— I love to love people, no joke. At first I was quite critical; did I mean it, was it honest, was it pure, was it different? Are there different kinds of love to refer to? And more importantly, have I loved in a way that Christ does? I have told people I loved them and been flippant about it. But there are people to whom I have said "Hey, you know, I really do love you," and I mean it every time I say it and I meant it every time I said it. That sort of love, coming from me personally, does not change with time, or circumstance, or the temperature of the relationship, whether hot or cold. Because like the song says, love is a commitment that endures time and hurt and struggle and present emotional upheavals. Friends have come in and come out, but the fact that they may now be "out" or "in" does not change the fact that I love them the same. And it hurts (understatement!) when those people come back and say "you lied. you never loved me." Oh, but I didn't lie! I didn't lie. I make mistakes and choices that may overshadow the fact that I love you, for a time, but intentional cruelty has never existed. Love protects and love makes hard decisions, as I've said so many times before, and decisions I've made I have made with a heart longing for the Lord, listening for Him and His direction. I am not sorry for them. I am confident in how God has lead me and despite indifference I've shown it was out of necessity and I still, I still, I still love you. No matter where we are (or aren't).

Some people are careful with the word love and I am in complete understanding of where they're coming from— no one wants to be cheap or short-changed. But when I love people, I love them, and I tell them. I let them know that I love them and I love doing things for them, listening to them, spending time with them. The best sort of love, though, is mutual. One-sided love is the most difficult (understatement again!) thing I have ever experienced, and most of the time, the other person doesn't even realize it. Not really. They might be too busy trying to win sympathy or a shoulder stronger than their own, and it turns into dependency or complete attachment... no accusations here, I've done it myself. Or they may be preoccupied. Or they may not even know how to love and I can't teach them... and I've probably done a bad job at showing them how. But despite these flaws, the truth remains— I did, I do, and I will continue to love... you and everyone else.

I need to quit trying to explain myself. Haha.

Oh! And my heart says...