Stream of Consciousness

so that wasn't expected but its good i never thought but hey what do i know i'm glad that you're glad and it's a new day like the sun coming up in so many ways but to change topics so many other ways i see it setting and sunsets are pretty in a melancholy sort of way but they symbolize new beginning too and heres a new beginning for you and for me and for the rest of us and then there's college and friends and i'm watching it all revolve so quickly and its coming to an end and a beginning and for some reason beginning has just been on my mind as well as purity oh my goodness purity is overwhelming me because i don't know what i'm standing or if i'm standing at all maybe i'm not is that ok? i don't know but i'm learning and it's like a new chapter in my life every day that i'm working on figuring out finding out living out and i think that's alright because i'm taking baby steps and evolving from childhood to adulthood and i have to say the transition is scary and this is probably hard to read but i encourage you to try it because it feels so good and tonight was interesting because some things heal and some things don't and that's okay too and i'm learning to accept things as they come and not be so uptight man it's so nice not to have to type periods or be grammatically correct hey i cold even misspell words if i wanted to but anyways God i know that this is hard but i'm glad that you won't leave me and you speak so directly sometimes that i'm wondering if you think i'm stupid because i go right past the things you say all the time God will you open up my spiritual eyes and ears because you tell isaiah to tell the people to keep on looking but never seeing and to keep on hearing but never listening and then isaiah says lord how long? and i'm wondering lord, how long because i've been here since november and it's a rut and there are little ups and downs but there is a deep cave i feel like i'm wandering in ever since because there has been a light awakened in my life and i know i have been blessed and satan is after me like a bloodhound and i can feel it, father, i can feel it and it's terrifying and at the same time invigorating because i'm going to stand my ground for you and do whatever it takes to love you and defeat the enemy God clothe me and my peers with the amazing holy power of your armor, the armor of God. and then father all of a sudden i am swept up in romance that i never would have expected and father it came out of a fiasco that is still somewhat burning and i can smell it and the smell of burnt rubber is never good and God you know i can't stand to hurt peoples feelings but them sometimes and somehow i doand i go through this weird phase where i almost don't care because i'm screaming LET ME LIVE MY LIFE and then i remember that with you i have no rights because who am i a foolish human to have rights idk i'm following you and then we're back at purity and i've come full circle and mutuality is such a blessing God and i thank you every day father for mutuality and for future tenses and for random spanish phrases that i love throwing around como estos. haha yeah there you have it i don't even know what i'm talking about but this feels so wonderful and it's late and my heart is racing a trillion miles an hour but i love you. i love all of you and it's overflowing and i mess it up OMG I MESS IT UP but i'm going to come right back and do it all over again God teach me to love, teach me my lesson and let me grow.

Not quite sure what's been going on lately but I've felt the insane urge to write. It's strange; sometimes I have nothing for weeks on end, and then there's an explosion that lasts for a few days where everything slops onto the canvas and it's sticky and turns into a syrupy conglomeration around the mouth of the container.

No soy qué tú eres.

Father, so many different voices! So many sounds, so many calls, so much nagging and advice and cautions and disputes and it's all incessantly incessant. So many questions, so much jousting, so much juggling and pacifying and misunderstanding, miscommunication, misinterpretation, mistakes. So many minutes spent pulling at my hair and worrying and thinking and trying to mentally unwind. I feel raw, as if I've been standing on the edge of the sea and the wind is salty and its ripping at my skin until I'm red and sore to the touch, burned by the howling and bitterness of its roar. I'm back on the beach, the stupid beach where I started, and it's time to go back to the hill country (Monday, August 4, 2008) but oh, Father, I lost your letter with the directions and I'm so lost. In most regards, anyways.

But I know that there is hope. Oh, what a beautiful word! Esperanza. Para el futúro, para el presente, y para el pasado con todos de mis errores. I have hope in the Lord my God, for He alone is worthy. I am so thankful for the 6:15 prayer time and the accountability; even though it's only been two days it's like a breath of fresh air that I've been needing so badly. Father, I want to breathe You in so that Your aroma exudes from me and people wonder what I've been smoking.

Gravity.

You (vosotros) were. You were suppose to be like that. I don't even know how to explain it, or where I'm coming from, or what I'm trying to say. But you were. You were suppose to be like that.

And it's funny, you know? Because for all the good that it could have been, for all of the things that might have worked out, planned out, evened out, whatever, it wasn't. But it was suppose to. It's probably always suppose to. Aren't we the ones to mess up all of the suppose-to-be's, though? No one is so in control as ourselves of our own situations. Of course, the Father is suppose to direct our lives if we give that control, but walking away from that foundation we are in control and He says, "have it." Yeah, suppose to be, but now it's supposedly. So let's wallow in it, why don't we? Disgusting.

Then there are the things that I don't understand and that I cannot see. The things in my future are potential but flat at the same time. The scenery is stunning but my depth perception is finding cracks that don't exist because it's only two-dimensional. Maybe it's because I'm seeing backwards yet time is no longer linear but spherical. It's revolving and I'm afraid the same thing is happening as it was before with simply a new face. Read between the lines, even though there's only white space and meaning that I long to share but can't find the words or I'd write them in such a way as to soothe you because it wouldn't come off so bluntly that way.

"And if you're always so intently listening,

Then the smartest thing to say

Is to tell myself not to say a thing."

-- Relient K, "Bite My Tongue"