Oswald says:

The Brave Friendship of God

"He took the twelve aside..."—Luke 18:31

Oh, the bravery of God in trusting us! Do you say, "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing good in me and I have no value"? That is exactly why He chose you. As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve. But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then he can choose you to go with Him "to Jerusalem" (Luke 18:31). And that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you. 

We tend to say that because a person has natural ability he will make a good Christian. It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty; not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a matter of natural virtues, of strength of character, of knowledge, or of experience— all of that is of no avail in this concern. The only thing of value is being taken into the compelling purpose of God and being made His friends (1 Corinthians 1:26-31). God's friendship is with people who know their poverty. He can accomplish nothing with the person who thinks that he is of use to God. As Christians we are not here for our own purpose at all— we are here for the purpose of God, and the two are not the same. We do not know what God's compelling purpose is, but whatever happens, we must maintain our relationship with Him. We must never allow anything to damage our relationship with God, but if something does damage it, we must take the time to make it right again. The most important aspect of Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the surrounding influence and qualities produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to give our attention to, and it is the only thing that is continually under attack. 

Like A Lion

You b r o k e me

He helped me see

You          left me

He pushed me free

You

          let

              me

                     fall

He brought me to my knees.

My loneliness may have a name

But my rescuer is a lion, untamed,

For He is fiercer than my pain

And you who've left won't take my faith.

1:14 AM

I love one of the songs that Thomas wrote. I don't know the title, but the lyrics are amazing. My favorite part is:

"And do you know Him

And how could you come this

Far just to be the same,

Just to be the same?" 

I think about my life whenever I hear this. I'm running, I'm running, I'm running. There's always some new destination, some new goal, a new friend to make, a new activity to do, something, anything that I think will get me farther or better.... but I end up being just the same. Because, you see, I'm taking the wrong steps. I'm picking my own direction and following my own plan. And I end up being the same, feeling unsatisfied, yearning for something just around the corner that I can't put a finger on, can't quite obtain. I am insatiable; I crave a New thing. I'm hungry, I'm starving, I'm a fool with nothing to satisfy because I'm looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places. So often lately I cry out "God! Strip me down! I want to be nothing." I hope in my heart of hearts that I will be rebuilt into a different person. A New, True person. 

Yet no matter how far I come, I can not make myself any different by my own power. It's a hard lesson to learn: that you can't fix yourself. I never believed it until this past year. It used to be so easy for me to believe that whatever I worked for, sweated blood and tears for, I could achieve. I mean, come on, it's beaten into you by all of your teachers and mentors from the minute you reach comprehension and forward. "If you set your mind to it, you can be anything you want to be!" Yeah... shut up. 

If Christ doesn't completely suffuse everything I am, if I don't let Christ overwhelm me and become all of me, what am I doing? I'm barely getting by. What am I if I am not Christ? I am a shell. An empty, empty shell, with unending hunger, never full, always searching, echoing, in a world full of shells who fill themselves with useless CRAP, who cover themselves in makeup and nice clothes, who look in the mirror and say "See, I'm a normal, happy person", when really they are naked and starved, so sick they are dying, but too human to know the difference. I don't want to wake up forty years from now thinking that my life has been wasted to the point where I couldn't care less whether the sun continues to rise or not. 

I'm at a crossroads. I can't go back and there's a wall ahead of me. You from my past: thank you for helping me get this far. It's really up to you how much further you want to go with me to the next phase. You from my future: Are you going to let me in? Or are you going to watch me from the other side of the wall, contemptible at my feeble attempts to scale it? Because I'm going forward. 

Goodbye, Special K. Goodbye, Kristina. This is You in me, God. Give me a new name. A new song. It's time to be reborn. 

And Thomas's lyrics lull me to sleep.